Pain.

It's been one of those weeks...

I have felt really drained lately... Just feeling sick of being tired and just plain tired of feeling sore. I thought that I would have been healed by now, but I'm not. I thought that my headaches would have lessened, but lately they seem worse. I thought that I could pretend that everything was alright, but it's not. I lately have lost the drive to get up and keep fighting every day. It seems as though the harder I try not to let this affect me the more it really has. I quickly lose sight of the miracle that happened that day. The fight that I've been fighting seems more and more un-winnable.

My pain isn't on the outside in the form of scars, bandages or broken limbs. I've quickly realized that also my strength isn't on the outside in the form of muscles, knowledge or abilities. As I pour all my energy into pretending I am alright, I realize that my energy needs to be focused on the One who really matters: God.

I’m running to your arms, I’m running to your arms.
The riches of your love will always be enough.
Nothing compares to your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

Into His arms once again I race. I am reminded that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. Though I am not particularly comfortable at the moment, I am still confident in His flawless plan and though I go through pain daily, I know I am LOVED beyond compare. And that is where I find my comfort.

“Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit ho has been given to us.”
Romans 5:2-5

I need to remember that I am adored by Him. I need to be reminded that I am cherished by Him. I need to keep in mind that I have been chosen by Him. I need to recognize that I am the apple of His eye. I need to understand that I am a daughter of light. I need to acknowledge that I am of VALUE to Him.

Unconditional Love

You are my shelter when strength is gone

You are my refuge when pain holds on

And my soul finds strength in You oh God.

I have been able to comprehend more and more every day that God is indeed my refuge, He without a doubt is my shelter and in Him alone my soul is satisfied.

As I relinquish my rights and continue on this daily process of dying to myself, I have renewed confidence that once something is brought to the foot of the Cross, it is no longer my burden, and it rests completely in the hands of our loving father. I am encouraged by His example that we indeed are able to overcome the sufferings of this world and we WILL be given the strength to do so in His name.

A communist officer told a Christian he was beating, "I am almighty, as you claim your God to be. I can kill you." The Christian answered, "The power is all on my side. I can love you while you torture me to death."

These are the examples that go before us. The example of Christ Himself... taking the weight of our sins upon Himself. The example of a fellow believer who completely understood what the love of Christ is. And also the example of countless others who truly lived their lives in submission to Christ, who completely understood the meaning of loving others the way we ourselves have been loved.

I am challenged this evening to do the same. First of all, to actually allow His love to surround me, become me and overflow within me. And secondly that I'd be able to pour that love back out to others: no matter who, no matter what the situation.

This is my prayer tonight, to become like Jesus, and do as He did. My prayer is that I will truly understand the meaning of unconditional love.

Simply do it.

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

I realize how I've lived my life in differently in different situations. It's easy for me to live out a life of love to my friends, it's easy for me to have a servant heart when I am overseas. When I am overseas it is effortless for me to understand what it means to pray without ceasing. It is clear for me to grasp that I need to ask God constantly throughout the day who He wants me to talk to and what exactly He wants me to do.

I didn't do things because I wanted recognition. I did them simply because God wanted me to. I didn't care if people noticed that I had just done the dishes for three hours by myself, I knew that God had called me there to be a servant and it was treasures in Heaven that I was working towards. It was pretty straightforward that when God said do something I did it for Him as a shining light, and I did it to the best of my ability.

And I feel my heart being tugged to do the same thing here. And I am feeling challenged to do without a fuss, and without complaining that it is too hard. But just to simply do it.

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the World of Truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

I humbly accept what God's will is for my life today. I respectfully ask for the strength to do it. I pray that my eyes don't leave Him, even for a moment so that His Kingdom may be furthered.

God Raises the Level of Impossible..

It's been five months today.

"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told. "
Habakkuk 1:5

"My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." John 17:15

"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;let them ever sing for joy,and spread your protection over them,that those who love your name may exult you." Psalm 5:11

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes." Ephesians 6:11

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

There were so many things that could have gone wrong in the accident. The Almighty God preserved my life. He declared that he had a specific purpose for my life and He wasn't finished with me quite yet.

God's calling was clear. His plan remains flawless. And my love toward Him deepens.

Look at these:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:24

"Learn to do good; seek justice. Correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." Isaiah 1:17

Look at this smile... it was COMPLETELY worth it!!

"I want you to know brothers, what has happened to me has really served to advance the Gospel." Philippians 1:12

It begins now.

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

God has placed me here for a specific reason. He has set aside this time in Abbotsford for a purpose. As I have softened my heart towards Him, and accepted that there isn't a time where I am "outreach" and when I am home. That He has called me to live in a missions field. That He has placed my family in my life so that I may be a LIGHT to them. That my life can't ONLY reflect Christ when I am overseas. That it's a DAILY conscious choice to live out exactly how I have been transformed.

I just want to declare that TODAY is the day of Salvation. TODAY is the day I start living as a changed believer of Christ. Today I start living outwardly this transformation.

It's no longer good enough to be changed from the inside. It's outwardly showing the transforming power of Christ to the WORLD; starting with my family. I HAVE been renewed! The POWER of Christ is ALIVE within me. Today I submit COMPLETELY to the task that I know God has been tugging my heart towards for a VERY long time.

Today is the start of something beautiful.

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

Fight The Good Fight.

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way.
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand.

These past weeks have been hard. It's been a struggle within me: a battle between my head and the rest of my body. My mind has not comprehended or given into what my soul knows is right. It's been an ongoing battle...

Even as I write this I am brought to tears. I'm STRIVING for more of God, but I hold back. I confess with my mouth and heart that I want all of God, but I withdraw when He asks me to give all of myself back to Him. But the desire is there. The unrest within me has taken over.

You won't relent
until you have it all...
my heart is yours.

God is not allowing me to be satisfied with only half of Him. My spirit isn't resting because I know that there is TRUTH out there I still am not grasping. My heart is still overloaded because I do not comprehend the fullness of God. Everything inside me has been stirred to no longer be quenched with what I have been alright with before.

These struggles within me have exhausted me. COMPLETELY drained me. I've worn out EVERYTHING that I have. There is absolutely NOTHING left of me.

I've realized that what I've done during my time in YWAM... things that were confirmed in my heart, struggles that I had held onto that I was released from and freedoms that were gained in my life , STILL need to be DECLARED today, they still NEED to be CLAIMED TODAY!

He empties me because He is ABLE to fill me once again, but I haven’t allowed Him into to do that. It’s been a DAILY battle, a continuous conscious choice to choose LIGHT! I know I lose sight of the goal and after falling flat on my face again and again, the desire is gone to face the reality that it is happening for a purpose and get back up. It’s easier for me to stay down.

But I hear God calling out to me, saying I WILL REFRESH you. I see Him stretching His arms out and crying I will REPLENISH your spirit. I recognize He longs to RENEW within me the passion to be content in Him alone.

So, I come to the Lord tonight defeated wanting to be victorious. I come to the Lord tonight humbled to a place where I can honestly ask to be filled ONLY by Him. Tonight I am able to grasp that I’ve been suitably equipped for the battle that is ahead and I will be given ENOUGH for the day.

It’s the start of something wonderful. It’s the start of something deeper. It’s the start of something extraordinary.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rules, nor things present or things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:37-40

There is hope for helpless.

Rest for the weary.

Love for the broken heart.

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing.

He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus.

Cry out to Jesus.

Tonight I call on Jesus.

Tonight I pray for His arms to wrap around me.

Tonight I desire His tangible love.

Tonight I long for comfort beyond comprehension.

Tonight I ask for unconditional grace.

Tonight I proclaim I need Him more than ever.

Tonight I DECLARE His love has covered me.

Tonight I say that I'm no longer afraid.

Tonight I cry that out to Jesus.

Tonight I realize your love is all that matters.

Tonight I devote my entire self to You once again.

Tonight I understand the power of Your Blood.

Tonight I am no longer satisfied with half truths.

Tonight I acknowledge that there is a time for everything.

Tonight I know He is with me.

Tonight I rest in the TRUTH that I am HIS.

Tonight I stand adored by Him.

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together.

India

India.

The place where my ancestors reside.

I am learning the language right now, I understand the culture, traditions and beliefs. Not only do I understand the people I AM one of the people.

Missions, India, Me... It makes perfect sense doesn't it?! I realize that anyone looking from the outside considers it a perfect situation. And I've heard it many times before.

I hear about the AMAZING things about what is happening in North India and how God is moving throughout the people there and the need they have for people to come alongside them and partner with them united under His name. My heart MOVES, my heart LEAPS out of my chest. It stirs within me, something so intense that I can barely contain my shout of SEND ME LORD... I know that it does every time I hear about missions. But at the same time I have this connection with India and as I saw the faces flash on the screen last night I saw the faces of my family, I saw myself.....

I have HUGE dreams that I keep deep down inside my heart, dreams that I know are crazy but I KNOW are possible for God. I want to have an orphanage. I want to have hundreds of kids inside of it with so much love that it is OVERWHELMING and you can tangibly feel it when you walk in. I desire for all children to understand that they are children of God and LIVE it out. I want my orphanage to reach out to the community and help families. I want it to be a place of refuge where the lost find hope, the broken become whole, the helpless feel needed, the lonely feel loved, the poor find their treasure in Heaven, the abandoned feel welcomed, unloved feel adored, the needy feel abundance, and BEST of all everyone finds JESUS.

I now realize that I TRULY don't care where I am serving God. The children have the same smiles and they have the same needs. So what if Thailand is beautiful? Africa sounds cooler? Or Central America has better beaches? Where He leads I will follow. I get into the car and then ask where the destination is. I am not going to wait to see what the destination and then decide to get in.

For the first time ever, I saw what other people saw so clearly. My calling may be to India, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is my ministry, what matters is the glory of His name, what matters most is that Jesus is going to do POWERFUL things. And I have the INDESCRIBABLE PRIVELEDGE of being a part of that.

Expect GREAT things from God, Attempt GREAT things for God.

Restless

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in Spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I’ve been exhausting myself. Salvation can’t be earned. No matter what I do, even if I gave the ABSOLUTE best that I had to offer to God, it still wouldn’t be NEAR enough. The reality is that there isn’t anything I could possibly do on my own to make God love me more.

I’ve been trying to satisfy myself and have not been allowing the comfort of God to flow over me. I try to earn grace. Though I say with my head I believe God gives grace, it is incomprehensible to me that grace is a free gift. And I find time and time again that I exhaust myself trying to do whatever I can do earn it.

It is these simple truths that I have skewed and told myself that for everyone else they work like that. But for me I have to earn it. For me I have to be a good person. For me it’s different. I feel like there is hope in the distance, but it’s not close enough to reach. I feel like God grants rest, but what have I done to deserve it? I feel that God loves unconditionally, but who am I that He will love me? God gives peace that surpasses all knowledge, but what are my problems that I should need relief?

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You`ve done.
Not because of what I`ve done.
But because of who You are...

But over this week I've been learning to let go of these things. It's been a slow process, and I still don't fully feel as though I've let go completely. But I know that it's a start. Realizing that these thoughts, hurts and pains aren't what define who I am. Jesus defines me. Jesus' blood is what I am covered by, not by lies. Jesus' love is what I want to live by, not the distorted truth I've let myself believe. I can't be satisfied with the feeling of emptiness when God longs to FILL me daily! It can no longer be adequate for me to only long and desire for all of these half truths anymore, because now that I’ve realized how much more of God there is and that I have discovered how many of His characteristics I haven’t fully grasped in regards to my own life. It changing something in my soul, to no longer be satisfied with anything less than all of Jesus.

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

I was quickly pushed past the point of humbleness to worthlessness. God has truly BLESSED beyond BLESSED me with the most WONDERFUL people I`ve ever known who speak into my life. They bless me and remind me of who exactly I am in Him and what exactly I mean to Him.

Now we need to apply the blood of Christ around the door of our heart or else deal with the consequences.

Now that I’ve tasted and seen the REAL Jesus I am confident that as I DECLARE these flaws I have to Him. Now that I understand that I’ve believed these lies as truth. Now that I realize I haven’t been living in the light. I can CHANGE. I can TRANSFORM. I can OVERCOME the darkness. Because that is who Jesus TRULY is. Jesus FULLY satisfies. Jesus COMPLETELY loves. Jesus FREELY gives. Jesus GLADLY grants. Jesus OVERWHELMINGLY adores. Jesus PROVIDES rest. Jesus COVERS with grace. Jesus PENETRATES my soul.

I want the Gospel to change me. I want it refine me. I want to truly understand the POWER of the Cross and let that flow into EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life. It was said to me that once we truly understand what God has done for us, and that Jesus loves us: our suffering will never be the same. We will have no choice other than to rejoice, our only option will be praising the Lord, and the first thing our hearts will say is I trust YOU Jesus.

As I rest in Him I long to get to that place...

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."

I`ve used this quote before, but I feel as though it’s PERFECT for what I am feeling right now.

WHO AM I? AM YOURS!

Unhindered.

"The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life."
James L. Christensen

A lot of thinking and transforming... means a lot of blogging this week. I feel like this is the ONLY way to get these millions of CRAZY ideas out of my head and to make a little bit of sense...

God is moving. That is what I can start off with. He is doing incredible things in my life right now. They're subtle, and they're not so obvious from the outside. But within the depths of my heart God has been working overtime. My heart is beginning to come together once again. The pieces that I thought could never be mended and were fragmented beyond being rebuilt are starting to mesh together and become repaired. As I allow His love to penetrate through me not just on the surface level, I have realized that though In have understood who God is and all of His AMAZING characteristics, I am finally able to allow it to saturate into my soul... and it's an indescribable feeling.

As these walls come down around me I have never felt so vulnerable. I feel like I want to crawl back into my shell but at the same time I feel ready to take on the world. As I come to the Lord unhindered by phony strength, fake dreams and artificial love He reveals His true strength to me. It makes me realize how weak I am. It make me understand how much more of Him I need. And how good it feels to pour out because I WILL be refilled and refreshed again tomorrow.

I can't pretend to understand this change that is going through me. It's completely opposite of everything that I have ever been. It makes me nervous, but I have been ruined for the ordinary time and time again. So as I continue to learn how to surrender up my entire being DAILY I am thankful He reminds me of His LOVE every step of the way.

This is the day that I have boldness to tell the Lord that I want to be physically HEALED. I have the confidence that He will just do that. I LONG to dance, run, jump, play and live life unhindered.

"He PROCLAIMED the Kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ -- with all BOLDNESS without hindrance." Acts 28:31

My days dedicated to the Lord...

I have had a FABULOUS past two days. As I desire to be transformed by our LOVING Father I dedicated two days completely to Him. Putting aside EVERYTHING and focusing in on HIM without any distractions.

It was AMAZING and I don't know why I don't this more often. God met me exactly where I was... I mean it wasn't that much of a sacrifice: spending the days with my BEST FRIEND, my Father, my EVERYTHING.

I came out feeling convicted to an extent. Why don't I just do this every day? Why can't I pray and take captive every thought EVERYDAY? Why do I wait for special days to commit to God?

I meditated on the word ADORED. And it was AMAZING. I struggle with the fact that God will love me no matter what I am going through. I struggle with the fact that I am not adequate .I struggle with the fact that I am nobody, and who am I that I should be adored? Maybe I didn't get the answers, but I've never felt that LOVED in a LONG time. I didn't feel like I needed to pretend to be someone that I'm not. I didn't need to come with conviction because I am COVERED by grace. I didn’t need to pray something that I pretended was on my heart. I came as me. I came to Him as Nikita Caitlin Lalli: a twenty year old girl with a TON of baggage, some pretty CRAZY ideas, and HUGE unthinkable dreams. And that was the most FREEING feeling.

I've struggled a lot with freedom issues. If you asked me any time throughout these past years what I wanted most from God I'd tell you freedom. Freedom to live out my life unashamed, freedom from fear and freedom to be who I truly am.

It took me two days of trying to get to this place. It took two days just enjoying His presence instead of trying to impress Him with my strength and with my own abilities. I have realized how I have put on a front for the world and for God. I've felt as though I needed to prove to Him that I'm strong enough and that all these trials I have been going through they haven't affected me. I wanted to believe I was strong. But I’m not. I’m weak; I am but dust in His eyes. I have realized how He hasn’t placed these burdens on my back to cause me to stumble but to get me on my knees.

And that is where I was left once again. In God’s favourite position; on my knees with a humbled heart.

Fill Me Up God, Fill Me Up God, Fill Me Up God!

LOVE OF GOD OVERFLOW, PERMEATE ALL MY SOUL.