What is my happiest memory?

I remember it so vividly.
My emotions were still soaring from the hours before.
I had just spent my time with some of the most remarkable people I think I will ever meet.
I was at the Mother Teresa home.
A massive building catered to people suffering with every type of illness and need out there.
Ethiopia, Africa.
What a place to be.
The building where we had just held orphan babies, played with children of AIDS, prayed with people dying of TB.
The people who worked there were incredible.
Loving the unloveable of Africa.
All those who society deemed unworthy of being; were accepted at this place.
Where people who needed love and acceptance discovered the unconditional love of the Father and could bathe in it.
The disabled who are openly ridiculed found a place of refuge.
Found a place where they could be helped instead of being seen as worthless.
What a magical place.
So my emotional state entering our next location was perfect.
I was ready.
I was ready to take on the world.
Our next stop was a feeding program.
My first thought was: this is a disappointment.
Our last location was so magical and now this.
We pulled up.
We did our routine that we did at every single location we went to.
A couple dances, some speaking and a skit or two.
I was on autopilot.
My heart wasn't really there.
But then something caught my eye.
One of the leaders was sitting with a boy out in the crowd.
What caught my eye was the smile on this little boy's face.
What was going on?
After a quick assessment of the situation I realized that this little boy was blind.
Jeff was allowing this little boy to touch his face.
I connected the two and realized that this was this little boy's method of communication.
His face lit up.
He was perplexed.
You could tell that he hadn't felt a face of this nature before.
I realized that the hair on Jeff's head wasn't as course as African hair.
Or the same texture in the slightest.
This little boy was experiencing for the first time, this new sensation.
I couldn't ever forget the face of this little boy.
How elated he was.
Like he was seeing Disneyland for the first time.
Jeff then called his daughter over.
Her long silky hair went down past her navel.
I knew.
I didn't think it was possible.
But I saw the little boys face light up even more.
What a strange thing he was feeling.
He felt her face.
And then his hand followed her hair down.
The long silky bleach blonde hair was nothing that he had felt before.
You could see the look of astonishment on his face.
Of curiosity.
Of confusion.
He felt her hair and didn't know how to respond.
It was an amazing moment.
One that I will never forget.
My eyes focused outward.
To the most beautiful thing I ever saw. 
A mother weeping. 
Sobbing. 
She was gazing down at her precious little boy. 
She was overwhelmed with emotion. 
Her little boy is someone who wasn't considered a human in their culture. 
Just a cast away. 
Nobody worth acknowledging. 
The last person who should have been noticed in the room. 
But here we were.
Giving him the attention that he deserved. 
Acknowledging the fax of how he sees with his hands. 
Through a translator we were told: 
That nobody had given her son a second look. 
Let alone pay any attention to him.
The fact that we had taken the time to allow him to feel special. 
It touched her heart. 
This is one of the happiest moments of my life. 
The realization that a difference really could be made in this world. 
That it didn't take big gestures to change a life. 
It took noticing someone. 
Giving them your time. 
Not anything materialistic. 
This was the happiest day of my life. 
Because I saw so much joy in the suffering. 
It gave me hope. 
Such hope that cannot be taken away. 
It was the happiest moment because I knew I had found my life's calling. 
I needed to help change lives. 
I needed to change the world. 

It was pouring rain.

It was pouring rain.
The rain splashed my face.
I felt it trickle down my back. 
It was pouring rain. 
As we walked out: 
My stomach was in knots. 
My heart so heavy; it was falling out of my chest. 
My head was fuzzy. 
My mind so full, I couldn't bear think another thought. 
But we were out there for a purpose. 
We had a mission. 
The mission was crumpled in my hands: 
The heaviness in my heart,
Written down hurriedly. 
Written as the thoughts came. 
The weight of my hurts
Laid exposed on that paper. 
Crumpled in my hands were my clouded thoughts. 
It was pouring rain. 
She held the lighter out. 
I was very skeptical. 
How was this going to make my thoughts go away? 
This wasn't an endeavour that was going to heal my heart. 
We lit the corner. 
I watched the flames consume the paper. 
I saw the words melt away. 
It was pouring rain. 
We re-lit the paper. 
It was in that moment that something clicked. 
I saw it. 
"It made me ugly."
The words ablaze. 
What power did they have over me? 
None. 
I wasn't ugly.
It was it who made my heart heavy. 
But it didn't make me ugly. 
I stood there. 
It was pouring rain. 
I looked up. 
Stared into the Heavens. 
Looked up at God and heard Him say: 
"It can't make you ugly, 
Nikita you are free." 
I stood in the pouring rain.
The rain splashed my face. 
I felt it trickle down my back. 
But it couldn't hurt me anymore. 
I was free. 
The pouring rain cleansed me. 
Those words burnt. 
& with them the legacy 
It had in that aspect of my life. 
It couldn't make me ugly anymore. 
Those hurts didn't make me ugly. 
They made me strong. 
It was today. 
In the pouring rain. 
That I realized this. 

My Miracle Day..

I awoke with a sensation in my body that I had lost all recollection of. I barely even remember having this feeling.
I feel alive.
Had I not been living?
What was this facade of a life I've been living?
Oh well, this morning I feel completely alive.
I have hope in my heart and my head feels free.
I am awake and the potential of the day gives me an incredible surge of energy.
The thoughts and feelings that haunt me consistently have vanished.
My minds capabilities now seem limitless.
My thoughts are clear and focused.
I got out of bed and hurried to get ready: not out of any obligation or expectation from others or myself; but simply so that I could start living.
As I got ready for the day, I gazed into the mirror and realized that the tired, vacant eyes that were for so long my defining quality vanished.
Alternatively all l I saw was pure determination and eagerness to keep going in them.
As I headed downstairs another incredible sensation in my body was realized: I was pain free.
The agony that had become an unwanted constant companion finally departed.
I was elated!
I jumped down the stairs with the widest grin on my face.
The chains of chronic pain had finally been released.
I was physically, emotionally and mentally clear.
I feel unstoppable and invincible.
I came downstairs and realized all that I had yet to notice.
Details left out: like what I had been looking at before had been blurred and it was if I finally put glasses on and could see everything more clearly.
I suddenly felt like I had Sherlock Homes' insight and intuition for all that was going on around me.
Again, I thought to myself, "how did I consider what I was doing yesterday living?"
It was if I had been blind and gained sighed for the first time.
Deaf and could now hear this incredible world around me.
Paralized and able to now move around freely.
Like I was mute but finally had a voice; and not only a voice, but one with the authority of a president.
My life was once again my life.
I was able to see beauty around me.
Feel compassion, love and empathy for others.
The unconditional love of the Father reigned in my heart and I was actually able to accept it.
Without fearing being present in my life my imagination ran wild. 
The dreams that I had for myself resurfaced. 
My passions ignited
& the fire in my soul was ablaze. 
Nothing today would be able to detour me. 
I thought once again of my hearts burden to the world. 
To help those who couldn't help themselves. 
I realized my drive and essential need to learn and gain more and more knowledge and understanding needed to be satisfied. 
I felt like me again. 
Someone who wanted to do new things, no matter the risk or danger. 
No matter the cost. 
No matter what anyone else would say. 
The me who craved adventure and would do anything necessary to accomplish that. 
To travel and gain new experiences. 
Dive into new cultures. 
Learn new languages and ask questions. 
The curiosity of why people live the way they do or why we have such diverse cultures. 
I wanted to live with the villagers once again. 
Be at the front of the line feeding the hungry and clothing the poor. 
Giving relief to those who needed it so bad. 
Hold the orphaned babies. 
Comfort those in hospices. 
Counsel and mentor other girls and people who's lives have been taken over my mental illness. 
I know what's different this morning. 
I have purpose. 
I had the realization that I have something to give to the world. 
I am needed. 
I could be an asset. 
I have the ability to make a difference.
I have the capability to change the world. 
This is the day that my life changed for the better. 
The day I realized that I am not what was done to me, I am what I choose to become. 

Not your average love story.

 Dearest ED.

I love you. You consume me. You are in my every thought and every breath I breathe you are right there reminding me of your presence. You offer up a fragrance in which it annihilates all rational thinking and makes me putty in your hands; ready to do your every beck and call.

Fulfillment, relief and understanding you give me in abundance. As are you abounding in comfort.

ED you were there when no one else understood. Friends left and family stopped caring, but you remained faithful to me. Like a loyal friend you’ve been there for me always, never once turning your back. You never ask questions, never expect too much, and never went around talking bad about me.  

ED you’ve boosted my self-confidence. You’ve helped me gain acceptance with my peers and you’ve aided me making peace with my family.

ED you give me the silent nod of approval. You’re my invisible blanket of comfort in all of life’s toughest situations.

The gratification that I receive in listening to exactly what you say makes me feel accomplished and fulfilled in a sea full of days of emptiness, discontentment and death. You offer me plenty in return for me only following a few instructions.

You’ve been reliable and constant in a world that is unsteady and changing, so I can cling to something steadfast.

XOXO,

Anonymous

Hands of Love

To be held in abounding love is unlike any other feeling in the world. The likes of which can be compared to nothing other than perfect peace. 

Love presented itself to me today in the purest form. It showed up unconditionally with the full knowledge of my flaws and failures. Its hand rested upon my greatest mistake. The hands fully understood and realized my deepest hearts intentions. However, judgement vanished. My insecurities didn't exist anymore. My shame was covered by those hands. My pain was felt by those hands. Love's hands were my protection tonight.

Love humbled itself and caressed my feet. Showing that no part of me was out of reach for it and every single bit of me was covered. My guard fell. The areas in which my walls are built up so high came tumbling down at the first hint of love. It permeated my body. I couldn't reject it, my body ached for it and yearned for more of it.

Love's eye caught mine and my soul knew that it oversaw the hurt that those scars caused me; it saw me as a whole and beautiful daughter. Its eyes showed empathy, and where I blamed myself for fault, those loving eyes helped shift my perspective. A mothers touch of warmth and compassion. A mothers intuition of things exposed my secrets, but the love remained steadfast. The love that only a mom can provide along with the protection only a father presents.

As love held me the angels came to me and brought me into a place of deep rest. They whispered softly "come away my dear, we have Somebody who longs to be close to you." There He was in all His splendour and majesty.

Then I awoke in loves arms. At rest. A calm that I had never felt covered my body. A supernatural peace that only He could provide. It was a feeling I haven't felt in a long time: refreshment. 

Tonight I was reminded that God truly loves me; and not only does He love me, He sees my failings and loves me despite them. He loves me through them. He loves me enough that He still sees who I truly am: who He created me to be.

The hands the held me today spoke louder than a million melodies could have. They represented and showed me love when words weren't getting through. The hands reminded me that I wasn't alone. Four hands of love. Love was lavished on me: a pretty princess. 

Today love encompassed me. It overwhelmed me. Love was saturated into my very being. Today I know that I am completely loved. 

Peace in the midst of decisions

Decisions need to be made soon. I have absolutely no idea which way to go, which path to go down, which direction He is leading me towards. They say options are a good thing. But options complicate things. Options cause stress; they cause anxiety.

Lord, I have no inclination of what You have ahead of me. No idea which way You will lead me. All paths are paths of healing. Each decision involves being loved back to life. Each option is completely full of You and the victory You bring to me.

Every time I think that I know in which direction that You are leading me towards I immediately change my mind and think again that the other option is just as valid.

However, I hear You throughout all of this. I feel Your presence here. I have peace. A peace that indeed surpasses understanding and my current circumstances. I hear You saying just to simply trust You throughout this entire time. I believe that I have been and I believe that I can trust Him to bring me to the place I need to go and to receive complete healing. I have confidence in that.

Though the decision should weigh me down and my mind should be racing. My initial response is that I am fine. My first thought is God’s got this and I know that God will bring me where I am supposed to go. That God will clear a path for me. He will take me the way that is right, even if it isn’t what I expect or what I would like.  I am committed to His plan no matter how difficult, because He has called me to it.

It doesn’t scare me that I’ll be hard. It just makes the healing and reward afterwards so much better and even more worth it.

After writing this I am actually excited that God is in control and that He has something so special and specific planned out all just for me. How incredible is that?

God Why Do You Want Me to Live?

First of all my daughter clear all preconceptions and all of the fog and haze that you have allowed to fill your mind up with. Refresh and open your mind to allow My Spirit to fill it. I long to give you a whole new outlook on your life. The scope that you view your life is but a gain of sand in the vast ocean in the grand scheme of your life.

My love, climb up into My arms and rest your chin on My shoulders. Now open your eyes! See the thousands that stand in front of us? Each one of them are standing here because you said yes to living. That moment that you said 'I trust You and that is enough.' That was the instant you became the women I destined you to be.

You fought valiantly and I know the days got harder and longer. But you continued to declare that I was enough and kept trekking on. You climbed over unclimbable mountains, you swam distances that people still stand astonished.

Nikita, my darling, I cannot even begin to express the love I have for you. My love, My words and My desires for you are immeasurable. The first word that comes to Me when I think of you My dear is strength. You have been strong enough to face all that your journey has entailed. I have set fourth before you a course that I have dare trusted to only a few. A course which will require every single bit of strength and knowledge you have within you Nikita.

You were created from birth to be a warrior. That is why I need you to live. Nikita I have called you into the darkest of places so that through you My life will radiate to those who were so entrenched in darkness. I need you My daughter, because I have placed within you the determination, passion and confidence to move entire nations.

The kindness, empathy, and compassion that flow out of you is the direct flow from me. When you love people, you love them unabandoned; exactly if I were on earth how I'd love My children. That is why I need you to keep living Nikita.

I already see the thousands that you will love into My Kingdom. I urge you to see past your present circumstances: because the future I see and have for you; here in Heaven, the angels and I are already rejoicing in gladness of the fruit your life brings.

Nikita my heart aches along with you right now. I understand the depth and loneliness of your pain. Simply look up and see My hand reaching down to you. You cannot end your life Nikita. Even in your current state the atmosphere changes when you walk into a room because the love you have for Me is so deep.

Please My baby girl fight, I can fill up thousands of pages of my love and plans I have for you. Trust me, take my hand and let's walk this life together; through every high and low.

Together we've got this.

My Body, My Story.

She walked up to me. The outward appearance of a seemingly warm smile greeted me. But I saw her critical eyes  that looked me up and down.

Immediately I felt self-conscious. She knew it. She could tell I was sick. Who was I kidding? Every person in that room could tell I was sick.

I heard the judgement in her voice; a sly comment about my weight followed by a 'deep concern' in my wellbeing. The words stabbed my heart. My worst fears realized. These concerns that I had, they weren't simply my mind working on overdrive as it has been before; it was a reality.

I pulled my sleeves down even lower. Pulled my sweater around my waist tighter. Inched further back from the crowd. Lowered my head worried that people would be able to read into my deepest darkest thoughts simply by looking into my eyes.

My body does tell a story. It tells the story of my years of pain. It's an outward expression of my years of internal turmoil. It bares scars of what I have done and what has been done to me. It shows the pain that life has brought me. It shows my brokenness.

My body is a story book. It's a story that is exposed for the whole world to read and judge.

I worry about her.
She shouldn't shake like that.
Did you see her arm?
She used to be happier.
She's too thin.
Do you think she's okay?
She looks scared.

My body reveals a different story.

One that many people don't see at first glance.

My body shows victory. My body shows my resilience. Pain can be seen, but life is still abundant within it. Though I may be scared, the scars are healed and I prove that I was stronger than whatever tried to bring me down. It show's that though I was broken, I didn't fall completely apart.

So today I stand up confidently.

This is who I am.

Take it or leave it.