Hope.

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Or: a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment.

Today is a new day. I was encouraged in a way that I haven't been in months. Hope became a relevant word in my life. Hope didn't seem like some far off promise that I would never actually be able to attain. It was something that had been waiting for me in Christ, I just needed to see it. 

Fighting a battle that you feel like you will never be able to win is draining on a person. It pushes you further into a hole. People become disappointed in you and no longer focus on the small victories but the larger war and your downward spiral. They become worried about you and their worry is all you see. They become concerned and you take their concern and turn it into anger that you've in a way failed them. 

This battle that I have been fighting seemed like any other. I thought that I could do it on my own. I thought that I could do it without the help of others. I thought it was like the other battles that I've fought through. This one was different. I didn't care about the outcome. I didn't care that I was hurting myself. I didn't care that I was failing and once I started failing I lost sight that I was actually a winner. I only saw failure and I went into battle without armour because I didn't think that it actually mattered. I knew I was going to fail, I didn't see any other outcome. 

So daily for the past few weeks I started battle off as a loser. I started off thinking of failure instead of the goal ahead. I didn't think of achieving anything, but simply getting through the day. I didn't have confidence in myself but had confidence in the enemy. Fighting was just a waste of energy. Fighting was a waste of time. It was pointless. I was exhausted and had lost all sight of hope. 


I thought that my life had become pointless. That the ministry that God had called me to, the friends, the people, the purpose God had set out before me could no longer be accomplished and these things were no longer relevant to my life. I thought that because I was continually getting into the pattern of being a loser, of being a failure of being worthless that my life had lost all meaning. 


But I am wrong. God has called me to something greater. God has called me to be something greater. To be honest, I don't know if I completely believe it right now. But I have hope. I believe that these events will turn out for the best. That as I overcome my circumstances as I claim victory one step at a time, that this time in my life is a big part of God's redeeming power in my life. That these giants I am facing in my life today will be part of my testimony of God's faithfulness, of God's comfort, of God's strength, of God's unending love, and of God's power in my life. 


I choose today to believe the truth that God has promised me in His word. To say NO to the lies that I have believed as truth. I look to His word and find HOPE and hope is enough. I will make it through this time in my life I truly do believe that now, because I have hope in the One who has overcome the world. 

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him my salvation and my God." 

-Psalm 42:5

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Do not make me the score of the fool!" 

-Psalm 39:7-8

"My soul longs for Your salvation; I hope in Your word. My eyes long for Your promise; I ask, 'When will You comfort me?'"

-Psalm 119:81

"Are you not He, O Lord our God? We set our hope on you, for you do all these things." 

-Jeremiah 14:22

"More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." 

-Romans 5:3-5

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

"Though we speak in this way, yet is your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things--things that belong to salvation. For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for His name in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." 

-Hebrews 6:9-12

One tough day.

Today has been an extremely hard day for me. 


I am faced with yet another defining moment. For the second time in my life I am left in this country while a plane full of my peers leave on an adventure to a far away country that I was supposed to be a part of. 


In many ways I feel like a failure. This is the second time. I was once again not strong enough to fight through my current circumstances and was seen as too weak to get on a plane. A lot of emotions well up inside of me: failure, disappointment and defeat topping the list. The many times where I have seemed to fail are brought to the front of my mind and I ask myself, have I ever been a winner? I ask myself have I not learned from my past mistakes? How did I let myself fall so astray again, when I promised myself last time this happened that it would NEVER happen again? 


I sat ashamed. I sat with my head hanging. I cried. I cried out to the Lord that how could His daughter have become such a failure? I cried for myself and for the decisions that I have made in my life. I mourned what seemed like yet another loss. I grieved embarrassed of what everyone else was going to think. 


As I sought the Lord for His angry words toward me. As I went before Him ready to receive the shame that He would surly give to me. As I dragged myself before Him I was shocked. He was there rejoicing over me. He called me brave. He proclaimed me victorious. He called me His daughter in whom He was well pleased. 


To the contrary to what I believed that I had just done, He was there waiting to congratulate me saying that I had made a step in the RIGHT direction. I had shifted my stance toward Him instead of running from Him. I made a decision for myself, instead of what others had expected from me. I had declared that He was most important, not mere earthly plans that I had created for myself. 


Today I claimed that I am a fighter. That I was going to stay and face my problems instead of shying away from them and taking the easy route out. Today I declared that I am choosing to listen to the Lord and what He has in store for me and TRUSTING that it is FAR BETTER than anything that I could come with for my own life. 


And though this may not make the next few weeks easier, my hope is renewed in the Lord. My urge to fight the good fight is refreshed. I will get up and fight tomorrow morning and the morning after that. My life means something and it's time that I start believing that. My life has value and a purpose its time that I start living that way. 

My plea to the Lord.

Lord, my heart aches. My soul thirsts for You and my body cries out with the little strength it has left and says, 'please God come down to where I am." I don't even know where to begin. I truly have never felt so lost before, so hidden from Your presence and withdrawn from Your love. I strive to feel You in those moments, but instead get lost in the touch of the world. I can't hear Your whispers of reassurance and love, but only the shouts of negativity tearing me down. I cannot feel You near me or even close enough to comfort me, but only feel the cushion of affection and flattery filling my emptiness.

Lord I come to You to search for relief in Your presence. I am praying for Your warmth to fill me from the inside out. I am not sure where I am anymore Lord, not sure of where I stand or what I am doing with my life. In this confusion I have turned away from You and ran as fast as I could into the arms of the world.

Lord, You know how desperately I need You in my life in this moment. Take a hold of me and promise me You'll never let me go. My heart aches. It knows You're there. It feels the love You have given me before. It remembers the way You've held it before and it is reminded of the gentleness of Your touch. The tender way You have come to me again and again without fail to comfort me in my affliction. It is reminded of how You've come and carried me when I am weak and how You've been my strength when I have had nothing left.

Though nothing I have done these past months have made me feel close to You. I am here before You now in realization that I am still Your daughter and am aware that, that means something. I am here asking You to help me. I want to come to You first. I want to, want more of You instead of running even further away. I am here now today asking to You to help me live above my circumstances. I am telling You that I choose You over this world, Lord, You are my one and only choice. I lay here shouting for Your presence to fill my life, I don't know how to set the fire again, or raise the passion that I know lies within my being. But I know that You've just been standing there, pleading, begging and patiently waiting for this moment where I simply ask for You to take the reins of my life once again.

I bring to You my heartache, shame, embarrassment, agony, struggles, guilt, confusion, anger, and the many other things I carry with me. I lay them before you and bare all my soul before You. I ask Lord for an open heart. I don't want to live another second without You, or in a life that does not glorify You in every single way.

But I realize how much of Your help I need. I need Your support as well as those around me Lord. I honestly just want so much of You. I need You to overwhelm me with Your presence so that I know that I can make it up the hill that is set before me. Remind me that I can do this over and over again and then a couple more times after that.

Lord tell me how You see me. Tell me how beautiful You think I am. Remind my heart how precious I am to you. Sing over me the love song You have written for me. Whisper the plans You have for me. Tell me that I am Yours forever and always, yes Lord, tell me I am Yours and remind me that, that is all that matters.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

more beautiful you.

Little girl twenty one.

The things that you've already done.

Anything to get ahead.

You say you've got a man.

But he's got another plan.

Only wants what you will do instead.

Well, little girl twenty one.

You never thought that this would come.

You starve yourself to play the part.

But I can promise you.

There's a man whose love is true.

And he'll treat you like the jewel you are.

There could never be a more beautiful you.

Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops.

They make you jump through.

You were made to fill a purpose.

That only you could do.

So there could never be.

A more beautiful you.

God, please speak this over me again and again and again. Wash it over me and cleanse me. Release my mind from being afraid to hear what You truly think of me. Softly sing over me the love song You have ever so carefully chosen for me. Dance over me rejoicing in the purpose You've created me for. Remind me over and over again and never let me forget it. Embrace me, hold me and promise me You'll always be there. Gently lift my head and tell me I'm beautiful. Take hold of my hand and assure me You'll never let go. Grab my soul and protect it within Your Spirit. Cradle my heart and whisper to me all that You have destined it for. God, simply love me unconditionally and teach me how to do the same.

I am a fighter.

Sometimes I feel like I've been given too much. I pile every up that's going on around me and it overwhelms me.

But I have lost sight of something so crucial; something God told me when I first became a Christian. That I am a FIGHTER. I was built to fight the good fight. I was created by God to be a fighter.

From the first moment I became a Christian I was forced to fight. I didn't understand it back then, I thought that it was normal what I was going through; nightmares, voices and visions. I thought my struggles were something that everyone went through. God's way of teaching me to rely on Him completely. I only knew to trust Him with my childlike faith. I didn't realize how He was making me a fighter.

It was then in Thailand that I learnt that the fight was worth it. I learned that I truly did have a destiny and a passion that God had placed inside of me. That the joy I got serving Him made those sleepless nights, all those things that terrified me daily seem so small compared to this new found joy. It made me want to actually fight, the fight wasn't just for my own survival it was for these children I met and the many more around the world that needed me.

Then later TREK came along. It was going to be a time of refreshment for me. A time when God was going to intervene and I wasn't going to have to fight so hard. Where He'd truly teach me His ways and I'd mature enough in my faith that fighting would become easy. I thought that the knowledge that I would gain during TREK would mean that the fighting was done by God, and all I'd have to do is sit back and allow Him to do it. That wasn't the case. I fought harder than I've ever fought in my life. There was a war for my soul, that was in the height of battle. I fought harder than I ever thought possible and even through that, I was no where near winning. All the fighting that I had done and I was no where near thriving; I was simply surviving.

After TREK training I moved to the downtown Eastside. I thought that the fight would lessen. I was exhausted from the year before. It had been exactly a year since becoming a Christian and in all honestly I was weak. The battle had drained me. But I found life. I found the joy of the Lord in the streets of Vancouver. It gave me drive. It gave me that push that I needed to say YES Lord, you are WORTHY. Yes Lord, I want to remain fighting this battle and I want more than anything to continue serving you in Brasil.

Then it had seemed like I lost the ultimate battle in the war. My team flew off to Brasil without me. I wasn't strong enough to fight after this one. I spent the next weeks in tears. I had fought as hard as I could. There wasn't even an ounce of fight left in me. I had given absolutely everything, I had done exactly what God had asked of me. I surrendered and swallowed my pride and asked for help from others. I did exactly what my leaders asked. I poured my heart and soul into reading His word, memorizing it, declaring it, letting it soak into my heart. And that hadn't been enough. I told God I quit. The fight was over.

My body had quit on me. Exhausted from a year of no sleep and a year filled with such terror that the lines between nightmares and reality are so blurred I can't remember what was a dream and what was real. But my heart beat on. My heart had fallen so passionately in love with God that it wouldn't let my body quit, not when my calling was so great. My heart told me that I needed to move on. That, that destiny that I learnt about in Thailand was real that that passion that I felt on the streets of Vancouver wasn't about to go away anytime soon.

So I fought on. I picked myself up, lifted up my head and raised my banner high. I let my passion lead me. I fought against my family's wishes and applied to YWAM. I fought through many friend's questions if this was really God's timing. I fought my own doubts, anxieties, fears, hesitations and uncertainty. But God told me to keep fighting for Him, to keep fighting for what I was passionate about, to keep fighting for my destiny. I fought up until the moment I landed in Belize.

Finally, it was going to be THIS time: where the fight would cease, and my faith would be simpler. I knew what intense faith training like this entailed, I knew the things that God was going to teach me this time, I knew the struggles I would face so I was more than prepared for this period of easiness in my life. I deserved it and it was finally here. The storm finally was going to be calm. And it couldn't have came at a better time. I had seriously used that last oomph that I had fighting my way to Belize.

But of course, simply said: God has called me to be a fighter. DTS was so much different than TREK training. I was more open, more vulnerable. I let my guard down and surrendered once again. Looking back now it seems that every time I surrendered Satan wanted nothing to do with it and the fight became more intense. My nightmares and voices peaked. But I kept fighting. I knew that it was God's plan, I knew that there could be no other way. I was trapped on this little boat and God had called me to fight.

Then something happened. It was beyond traumatizing, my darkest hour. Had it been my fault? And if it wasn't, then how could a loving God allow this to happen? Especially since I had been fighting so incredibly hard. After that I couldn't fight on, it was debilitating. The shock, the sting, the grief overwhelmed me, and still does to this very day. It wasn't fair. I had been fighting SO hard, I had been making progress, I was on a mission under His name. It just wasn't fair. How could I fight when this had been done to me?The ground that I had conquered in my fight was lost, I was once again brought to the beginning of the battle. I lost faith and gave up the fight once again.

I didn't recover for a long time, I didn't believe that I was meant to fight. Maybe God had called me to fight for a time, but surely there was no way that He could expect me to fight after what happened. I was defeated. But outreach came along. I knew that I was going to have to fight, I'd have no choice. I was no longer in the safety of the bubble of the boats. I prepared myself, not that I really knew what I was doing, but I prepared myself for battle once again. I was built to be a fighter.

Outreach was indeed a fight; filled with tears, heartbreak, loss, exhilaration, passion and joy. Once again the reason behind the fight was revealed. God was my true source and if He asked me to fight, that's exactly what I would do, no questions asked. He asked me to trust Him, I'd simply do it. Things that seemed to difficult to grasp during lecture phase came so easily. The characteristics of God became knowledge in my heart, not just my mind. He encouraged me to keep fighting the good fight.

Outreach was followed by a time of waiting, waiting for His perfect timing. As much as you'd think that this was another time of calm in the storm that I had much needed, it was difficult. Everyone told me to get going, questioned the reasoning behind me still being here. I had to fight for what I knew, I knew that God was in control. So I fought mine and everyone else's doubts and got to India.

The fight was once again heightened during my time in India. I fought thoughts of loneliness and isolation. This was supposed to be like all my times of serving God. Where the passion came easily and the willingness to fight was abundant. It didn't come. It was a conscience decision to get up every single day and fight to stay connected to God so that I could simply face the daily tasks that I was supposed to perform during my time there. I had to learn to fight even when I knew I was in the centre of God's will and it was supposed to be easy.

My time in India came to a close and I craved a time of rest. A moment of peace between battles. I knew that I'd have to fight hard to actually get myself to Africa and once I was there there fight wouldn't cease but just increase. So the war waged on and the fighting continued.

Then the accident happened: I fell off a cliff. It was yet another life changing moment. I faced the type of battle that I hadn't fought before: chronic pain. I felt helpless. There wasn't anything I could do, in that moment I couldn't even move my own body, how did God expect me to fight through this one? But I knew one thing for sure, my life should have been taken that afternoon, but God's mighty hand saved me from death. I would have to fight, I couldn't give up on Him, not after what He just did. Not after He declared that my life absolutely meant something to Him. So I decided that I was going to fight. I was going to fight through the pain. I didn't know how I'd do it. The pain was overwhelming; every single bruise, cut and muscle in my body ached and burned. But my heart felt the burning of God's love for me. So I declared to Him that I would be a fighter.

The following year, of course, I was forced to fight. Fight to simply get up in the morning and fight to fall asleep at night knowing that I'd have to face the pain all over again the next morning. The fight became wearing, it became all encompassing. I had to learn to fight for every single little thing, because it seemed that every little thing that I did was difficult. The fight slowly became more and more draining until I was completely drained. Unable to fight past the constant pain and unable to find a reason to keep fighting. The days dragged on and nothing seemed to change. I decided I didn't want to fight anymore. Maybe I wasn't a fighter.

And yet another year came. I was forced to renounce my title as a fighter. I hadn't done anything special. I was simply surviving. But I remember so clearly, one defeated day, God whispered to me: 'Nikita, I have created you to fight the good fight. I am so proud of you for what you have done so far. But now, I need you to lift up your chin, take My hand and let's continue fighting.' And in an instant I was once again a fighter.

The war has now brought me to Mexico: running away from the draining fight of similar unproductive days that dragged on day after day. God called me to fight here in Mexico. Fight for my identity, fight for my purity, fight to stand for what I believe in.

As I spent my day today thinking of the journey that God has brought me on I can't even deny a little bit that I am not only a fighter, but a conquerer in Christ. I have fought my way through battles that at the moment I thought I couldn't even begin to imagine that I'd get out of. Why is what I am facing today any different?

I am a fighter, so I am going to stand in Christ and fight.

Tears.

“...you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.”
― Lemony Snicket

Maybe that was true today. I hope the tears shed today bring healing tomorrow. I pray for renewed outlook on my circumstances Lord. I pray that I'll feel your arms wrapped around me tight. I need you in this moment.