Hope.

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Or: a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment.

Today is a new day. I was encouraged in a way that I haven't been in months. Hope became a relevant word in my life. Hope didn't seem like some far off promise that I would never actually be able to attain. It was something that had been waiting for me in Christ, I just needed to see it. 

Fighting a battle that you feel like you will never be able to win is draining on a person. It pushes you further into a hole. People become disappointed in you and no longer focus on the small victories but the larger war and your downward spiral. They become worried about you and their worry is all you see. They become concerned and you take their concern and turn it into anger that you've in a way failed them. 

This battle that I have been fighting seemed like any other. I thought that I could do it on my own. I thought that I could do it without the help of others. I thought it was like the other battles that I've fought through. This one was different. I didn't care about the outcome. I didn't care that I was hurting myself. I didn't care that I was failing and once I started failing I lost sight that I was actually a winner. I only saw failure and I went into battle without armour because I didn't think that it actually mattered. I knew I was going to fail, I didn't see any other outcome. 

So daily for the past few weeks I started battle off as a loser. I started off thinking of failure instead of the goal ahead. I didn't think of achieving anything, but simply getting through the day. I didn't have confidence in myself but had confidence in the enemy. Fighting was just a waste of energy. Fighting was a waste of time. It was pointless. I was exhausted and had lost all sight of hope. 


I thought that my life had become pointless. That the ministry that God had called me to, the friends, the people, the purpose God had set out before me could no longer be accomplished and these things were no longer relevant to my life. I thought that because I was continually getting into the pattern of being a loser, of being a failure of being worthless that my life had lost all meaning. 


But I am wrong. God has called me to something greater. God has called me to be something greater. To be honest, I don't know if I completely believe it right now. But I have hope. I believe that these events will turn out for the best. That as I overcome my circumstances as I claim victory one step at a time, that this time in my life is a big part of God's redeeming power in my life. That these giants I am facing in my life today will be part of my testimony of God's faithfulness, of God's comfort, of God's strength, of God's unending love, and of God's power in my life. 


I choose today to believe the truth that God has promised me in His word. To say NO to the lies that I have believed as truth. I look to His word and find HOPE and hope is enough. I will make it through this time in my life I truly do believe that now, because I have hope in the One who has overcome the world. 

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him my salvation and my God." 

-Psalm 42:5

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Do not make me the score of the fool!" 

-Psalm 39:7-8

"My soul longs for Your salvation; I hope in Your word. My eyes long for Your promise; I ask, 'When will You comfort me?'"

-Psalm 119:81

"Are you not He, O Lord our God? We set our hope on you, for you do all these things." 

-Jeremiah 14:22

"More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." 

-Romans 5:3-5

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

"Though we speak in this way, yet is your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things--things that belong to salvation. For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for His name in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." 

-Hebrews 6:9-12

One tough day.

Today has been an extremely hard day for me. 


I am faced with yet another defining moment. For the second time in my life I am left in this country while a plane full of my peers leave on an adventure to a far away country that I was supposed to be a part of. 


In many ways I feel like a failure. This is the second time. I was once again not strong enough to fight through my current circumstances and was seen as too weak to get on a plane. A lot of emotions well up inside of me: failure, disappointment and defeat topping the list. The many times where I have seemed to fail are brought to the front of my mind and I ask myself, have I ever been a winner? I ask myself have I not learned from my past mistakes? How did I let myself fall so astray again, when I promised myself last time this happened that it would NEVER happen again? 


I sat ashamed. I sat with my head hanging. I cried. I cried out to the Lord that how could His daughter have become such a failure? I cried for myself and for the decisions that I have made in my life. I mourned what seemed like yet another loss. I grieved embarrassed of what everyone else was going to think. 


As I sought the Lord for His angry words toward me. As I went before Him ready to receive the shame that He would surly give to me. As I dragged myself before Him I was shocked. He was there rejoicing over me. He called me brave. He proclaimed me victorious. He called me His daughter in whom He was well pleased. 


To the contrary to what I believed that I had just done, He was there waiting to congratulate me saying that I had made a step in the RIGHT direction. I had shifted my stance toward Him instead of running from Him. I made a decision for myself, instead of what others had expected from me. I had declared that He was most important, not mere earthly plans that I had created for myself. 


Today I claimed that I am a fighter. That I was going to stay and face my problems instead of shying away from them and taking the easy route out. Today I declared that I am choosing to listen to the Lord and what He has in store for me and TRUSTING that it is FAR BETTER than anything that I could come with for my own life. 


And though this may not make the next few weeks easier, my hope is renewed in the Lord. My urge to fight the good fight is refreshed. I will get up and fight tomorrow morning and the morning after that. My life means something and it's time that I start believing that. My life has value and a purpose its time that I start living that way.