Today has been an extremely hard day for me.
I am faced with yet another defining moment. For the second time in my life I am left in this country while a plane full of my peers leave on an adventure to a far away country that I was supposed to be a part of.
In many ways I feel like a failure. This is the second time. I was once again not strong enough to fight through my current circumstances and was seen as too weak to get on a plane. A lot of emotions well up inside of me: failure, disappointment and defeat topping the list. The many times where I have seemed to fail are brought to the front of my mind and I ask myself, have I ever been a winner? I ask myself have I not learned from my past mistakes? How did I let myself fall so astray again, when I promised myself last time this happened that it would NEVER happen again?
I sat ashamed. I sat with my head hanging. I cried. I cried out to the Lord that how could His daughter have become such a failure? I cried for myself and for the decisions that I have made in my life. I mourned what seemed like yet another loss. I grieved embarrassed of what everyone else was going to think.
As I sought the Lord for His angry words toward me. As I went before Him ready to receive the shame that He would surly give to me. As I dragged myself before Him I was shocked. He was there rejoicing over me. He called me brave. He proclaimed me victorious. He called me His daughter in whom He was well pleased.
To the contrary to what I believed that I had just done, He was there waiting to congratulate me saying that I had made a step in the RIGHT direction. I had shifted my stance toward Him instead of running from Him. I made a decision for myself, instead of what others had expected from me. I had declared that He was most important, not mere earthly plans that I had created for myself.
Today I claimed that I am a fighter. That I was going to stay and face my problems instead of shying away from them and taking the easy route out. Today I declared that I am choosing to listen to the Lord and what He has in store for me and TRUSTING that it is FAR BETTER than anything that I could come with for my own life.
And though this may not make the next few weeks easier, my hope is renewed in the Lord. My urge to fight the good fight is refreshed. I will get up and fight tomorrow morning and the morning after that. My life means something and it's time that I start believing that. My life has value and a purpose its time that I start living that way.
I am faced with yet another defining moment. For the second time in my life I am left in this country while a plane full of my peers leave on an adventure to a far away country that I was supposed to be a part of.
In many ways I feel like a failure. This is the second time. I was once again not strong enough to fight through my current circumstances and was seen as too weak to get on a plane. A lot of emotions well up inside of me: failure, disappointment and defeat topping the list. The many times where I have seemed to fail are brought to the front of my mind and I ask myself, have I ever been a winner? I ask myself have I not learned from my past mistakes? How did I let myself fall so astray again, when I promised myself last time this happened that it would NEVER happen again?
I sat ashamed. I sat with my head hanging. I cried. I cried out to the Lord that how could His daughter have become such a failure? I cried for myself and for the decisions that I have made in my life. I mourned what seemed like yet another loss. I grieved embarrassed of what everyone else was going to think.
As I sought the Lord for His angry words toward me. As I went before Him ready to receive the shame that He would surly give to me. As I dragged myself before Him I was shocked. He was there rejoicing over me. He called me brave. He proclaimed me victorious. He called me His daughter in whom He was well pleased.
To the contrary to what I believed that I had just done, He was there waiting to congratulate me saying that I had made a step in the RIGHT direction. I had shifted my stance toward Him instead of running from Him. I made a decision for myself, instead of what others had expected from me. I had declared that He was most important, not mere earthly plans that I had created for myself.
Today I claimed that I am a fighter. That I was going to stay and face my problems instead of shying away from them and taking the easy route out. Today I declared that I am choosing to listen to the Lord and what He has in store for me and TRUSTING that it is FAR BETTER than anything that I could come with for my own life.
And though this may not make the next few weeks easier, my hope is renewed in the Lord. My urge to fight the good fight is refreshed. I will get up and fight tomorrow morning and the morning after that. My life means something and it's time that I start believing that. My life has value and a purpose its time that I start living that way.
2 comments:
This is exactly it! Nikita, you are finally facing ALL of this head on, moving in the right direction, making a choice to make your life BETTER and to renew yourself in the Lord. You are not a failure and we don't see you as weak for not going. It took incredible strength to NOT go and to face everything and move forward in this way. Keep going! Just keep swimming!
YES! Not more to say, not less, just YES! and AMEN! Not all of life's choices are easy but the right ones reap such huge rewards all the rest of your days! God is smiling over you - and so am I.
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