Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [5]

Day Five: Five Golden Rings.

Objective: Pray for five marriages.

Reflection: Today was good, prayed for my parents and four other couples. I also prayed for myself and other single people that I know of. Straight forward and good.

Today I was also reminded of hope, faith and love. Still need to work on them, on believing them in my heart. But today my head was lifted. For all the times that I wished that these situations that I've gone through haven't happened, for all the times that I wished this pain would be taken away and for all the times where I just haven't understood the purpose behind all the effort I put into just getting through the day. I took it all back. I completely trusted in the plan that He had for me. I realized that it was part of a greater purpose. I realized how my character was was being refined. I realized how I am learning what endurance means, and what it takes to run a race with endurance. I realized that this was at where I was closest with God. I depend on Him for every single moment, every single thing and rely on His strength to simply make it through another day.

I had lost sight that all these things are worth it. Are worth the pain and everything else that I've given up or lost. God is WORTH IT and I have had a new understanding that He is ENOUGH. Getting through the day which seemed impossible with His help, makes Him rejoice over me. Putting my physical pain aside to study and do other things makes Him exclaim in joy. Choosing Him and His help to get through a tough day His strength is amplified within me. It's not even the prize at the end that motivated me today, it wasn't the promise of Him using this time because sometime in the future it was going to be used for the greater good of His purpose. Today it was simply, because He has called me to it, I will bear it under His name. It was simply because He loved me, and I trusted in that fact. I trusted in His promise that He knows what's best for me.

I'm thankful for Him this evening. I am thankful for this new revelation He has given me. I pray that it'll be here to stay. That these truths will resound in my heart for the rest of my life and I will have unwavering confidence to walk this path that the Lord has chosen for me.

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [4]

Day Four: Four Calling Birds. Represent the four gospels.

Objective: Think of what the Gospels are all about. Reflect about the life Christ lived and ask for new revelation of Jesus in your life.

Reflection: I read most of Mark today. I reflected on the lief that Jesus lived: the miracles, the example, the stories and the blameless life. I pray for continued revelation every single day as I continue to focus to Him and use His life as an example .

"And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36

Lord, today I pray that your will be done in my life. I wish that this cup be removed from me, but your will, not mine.

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [3]

Day Three: Three French Hens. Stand for Faith, Hope & Love.

Objective: Pray for more of it in your life and pray to show it to others around you.

Reflection: Hope, a four letter word, that has been a very hard concept for me to grasp today. Love another four letter word that I feel that I know how to give freely, but receiving is another story. Faith a word that describes the root of my being. Meditating on these three words today has been good. I've needed a focus of where my thoughts are lately and this prayer challenge has been good. It's been a way to keep focused on God for me, instead of just trying to take on an overwhelming amount of God at a time. Still need to do a lot of praying and meditating on these words. But It's coming. My hope is in the Lord, I love the Lord and my faith is rooted in the Lord.

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [2]

Day Two: Two Turtle Doves. Symbolize the Old & New Testaments. Sign of sacrifice.

Objective: Meditate on the fact that his sacrifice fulfilled every requirement of the law, for me.

Reflection:

I felt SO loved. Like I haven't in months. I sacrificed Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and TV. I focused on God instead of filling my life with other things, I filled it with the presence of God. I continually asked for His thoughts of me, His feelings, His words He wanted to speak over me. I realized how I've been walking around defeated once again. I've felt more alone these past couple months than I ever have. Felt like I've been left behind by everyone I know, and left alone to deal with all my issues. I realized finally today, that I am never alone. Though I may not always feel Him so near, or realize that He's holding me so tight, I am beginning to believe that He is, no matter the situation. And as I go through the day, I ask him where He is, and He reveals Himself to me. He shows me that He's there, all I have to do is ask and receive that He there. God is good, and as I reflect on His sacrifice, I realize the immense love that His sacrifice represents and when those thoughts of doubt come into my mind, I remember that Christ gave His life for me, and THAT'S HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.

Verses the lord speaks over me today:

"Praise the Lord, I tell myself; with my whole heart, I will praise His Holy name. Praise the Lord, I tell myself, and never forget the good things He does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He ransoms me from death and surrounds me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's. The Lord gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly." Psalm 103:1-6

'For this Good News--that God has prepared a place of rest-- has been announced to us just as it was to them. But it did them no good because they didn't believe what God told them. For only we who believe can enter his place of rest." Hebrews 4:2-3

"Since He Himself has gone through suffering and temptation, He is able to help us when we are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

"He personally carried away our sins in His own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and lie for what is right. You have been healed by His wounds." 1 Peter 2:24

"Be careful. Watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for some victim to devour. Take a firm stand against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are." 1 Peter 5:8-9

"I have loved you, My people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn you to Myself." Jeremiah 31:3

"Yes, says the Lord, I will do mighty miracles for you, like those I did when I rescued you from slavery in Egypt. All the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the Lord will do for you. They will be embarrassed that their power is so insignificant. They will stand in silent awe, deaf to everything around them." Micah 7:15-16

"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will drink deeply from the fountain of salvation. In that wonderful day you will sing: Thank the Lord. Praise His name. Tell the world what He has done. Oh, how mighty He is. Sing to the Lord, for He has done wonderful things. Make known His praise around the world." Isaiah 12:2-5

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge

Day One: Partridge in a Pear Tree. The tree is Jesus.

Objective: Focus on Him and see Him in others around you.

Reflection: God, I see you all around me. I struggle with this, but I truly do see you working all around me. I pray that You will continue to open my eyes to the things around me, and to the things that You're doing. Open my heart as well, to the magnificent thoughts You have of me. Open my ears to hear what those around me need prayer for, and also to listen to give praise and thanks alongside my fellow believers. I want to stay focused on You this Christmas season, and I want You to be the centre of all my days. Jesus You are the tree, which root's run deep. I long to be a branch in your divine plan Lord. A branch that produce wonderful fruit for Your name, that is my greatest desire. You are with me, I believe that, every single step of the way. I truly see you within others around me. Their smiles, their words of encouragement, I see you in them, and I receive what they have to say. As I set my mind upon You, I pray that You will be glorified in my life and I will be able to see your glory shine through me and the people around me. I love you Lord.

Remember This.

Working on this tonight.

Believing in these promises.

Allowing them to sink deep into my heart.

Praying that they'll become TRUTH in my life.

And that I'll be able to live out my life accordingly.

Venting.

I don't know how I'm feeling...

How about we start there?

I just want to scream, cry... just shout out my struggles, my pains, my hurts, my heartaches, my questions, my deepest desires, my thoughts, my anxieties, my innermost secrets, my grief, my burdens, my joys, my anger and just everything that I've held onto for so long.

My insides are bursting out with everything that I haven't been able to verbalize. With all of these jumbled up, and cramped up emotions. My head has been swirling for far too long.

I don't even know where I stand right now.

There are moments where I feel like I'm standing hand in hand with God completely in sync with Him and there are moments where I feel like I'm in the deepest parts of the ocean, the thickest parts of the forest so far away, just left alone to deal with the weight of the world that rests upon my shoulders.

I go through extremes way to fast. From being completely content to completely overwhelmed.

I have decisions to make, but I can't even decide how I am feeling right now. I have big things to accomplish, but I can't even accomplish simple tasks because I'm so overwhelmed with life. Life is happening all around me, but I feel like I'm stuck, stuck in this point of middle ground. Ready to move, but unsure of where to even begin.

I don't know where to begin. With so much going on in my life, I don't know where to start. I try to pray, and get overwhelmed by God. I try to do my devotionals and I get overwhelmed by His ability to pierce my heart. I try to attempt to explain my struggles with a friend but I get overwhelmed with not being able to explain this huge burden I am carrying with me.

I just need someone to understand.

Maybe I just need to grasp the understanding of God.

I need to embrace Jesus.

But I don't know how...

I'm stuck in this place between, and I don't know how to get out. I know that how I've been living isn't enough, it's not what God's called me to do. I've got more potential than this.

But I'm stuck.

I need the love and grace of God to wash over me.

"But let him to boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:24

I need someone to care.

I need someone to tell me that I can get through this.

I need help getting out of this middle ground.

I need to feel wanted.

I need to be embraced.

I need encouragement.

I need to be loved unconditionally.

I need to feel adored.

I know God won't relent until He has it all. So I continue on this journey. On yet another tough path but through all this confusion still knowing that He is Lord.

Jesus is my everything.

Former things.

Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon her; she will bring fourth justice to the nations. She will not cry aloud or lift up her voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed she will not break, and a faintly burning wick she will not quench; she will faithfully bring forth justice. She will not grow faint or be discouraged until she has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for her law. Thus says God, the Lord, who created the heavens and stretched them out, Who spread out the earth and whatcomes from it, Who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it:"I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the Lord; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols. Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them."

Isaiah 42:1-9

Lord I am here humbled before you once more. I again have nothing to give, but offer up everything that I have left. You have designed every single aspect of my life and you know exactly when healing comes, you know exactly the moment it begins. Keep hold of my hand as you have promised. Take me along for this journey ahead of me. I am willing, I am wanting, I am ready. I desire to be a light for the nations. I am declaring with you Lord that the old things have come to past. I feel ready again Lord to take on the world under your name. I feel inspired to live up to your expectations once again. Thank you for your love that you have provided so abundantly.

Weakness.

I hope you will find out that we have not failed the test. But we pray to God that you may not do wrong-- not that we may appear to have met the test, but that you may do what is right, though we may seem to have failed. For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for."

2 Corinthians 13:6-9

Praying for restoration in my life and asking for a change in my heart regarding weakness. Because though I am weak He is STRONG. I needed to be reminded of that today.

His purpose.

But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.

Exodus 9:16

Proclaiming His promise of a purpose for my life today. Understanding that I am part of a plan that He has personally laid out before me.Trusting in His will, and that He has assured me that He will make my path straight. Today I am declaring that I no longer want to control my life, because that obviously hasn't worked. I desire for Him to take over complete control of my life once again, for all the shots to be called by Him, every decision based on His Word and all thoughts centred on Him.

He is calling me.

So turn around, you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late, you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the One who's strong, can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears, dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl.

Overwhelmed.

It was one of those days today.

One of those days where I had, had enough. Where my pain had become overwhelming. I knew that He promised that He wouldn't give me more than I could handle... but He must have made a mistake: because there was no way I could handle the pain that I was in today.

Most days I can cope. I can look beyond my pain and see Jesus. I see Him suffering and realize that my pain had already been paid for. I can push the pain aside and continue on with normal life.

Today I couldn't. I was hurting. My entire back was throbbing and my headache was unbearable. I couldn't look past my own pain, I couldn't focus on anything else but it. It became all consuming and I lost sight of the Lord.

At church tonight, I kept saying No. I didn't want to be open to the Holy Spirit. I wasn't ready to be filled once again. I resisted the love that I knew that was being showered down all around me. I stood back from the worship of the good and mighty God... But it didn't work. He overwhelmed me. He overwhelmed me with a love that cannot be described. A flood came pouring over me and filled every single crack that had formed within me. I felt Him touch me, love me and tell me that He cared so much about me. He told me that my pain wasn't my pain, that He wanted it, that He was taking it, and as a matter of fact, He had already dealt with it.

It had been one of those overwhelming days, but it ended with overwhelming love.

Trust.

Asking God to change your circumstances? He may be using your circumstances to change you.

Trusting in the Lord today.

Trusting He knows what is right.

Trusting He understands my struggles, pains and situations.

Trusting in His Sovereignty.

Trusting in his unending grace and unconditional love.

Trusting He'll get me through it.

Trusting in His strength.

Trusting that He is ABLE!

"O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me."

Pslam 25:2

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."

Pslam 37:5

A Beautiful Picture.

Don't try to hide your scars, they're stories for a hurting world of wounds only Jesus can heal.

Yesterday I broke through that wall of justification I had built for my actions and watched it collapse around me. I saw that imaginary sense of what I was doing being okay, fly straight through the door. I fell and I fell hard. Last night all I could focus on was my failings and that knot that had built up in my stomach, which was there from the people that I had hurt. It had taken over my entire thought process. I saw the ruins around me. I saw the mess around me and myself in the middle of the shambles. I witnessed the mountains of lies I had convinced myself of. I looked down into the valleys of shame that I had allowed myself to dive into. I gazed upon the dark clouds of shame that were looming over me. The waves of the vast ocean full of the flaws of my life were splashing over me. The destruction around me was unbearable.

The eyes of my heart had been opened. But they had failed to notice the most important feature of this picture. The Figure walking triumphantly towards me. Something Marvellous that was leaving behind a vibrant streak of colour behind Him, ever since the first moment He had entered into the picture. As He walked towards me the mountains of lies violently came crashing down and the valleys turned into luscious green pastures. The skies gloriously opened up. Flowers sprouted and celebrated the arrival of the King.My eyes had never seen anything so brilliant in my life. Though He was still off in the distance His Glory was too much for me to handle: I was thrown to my knees in adoration.

I saw His face. It was that same welcoming face that had welcomed me back again and again before. He gently picked me up off of my knees. Wiped the tears from my eyes and brushed off the dirt and filth off my body. He grabbed ahold of me and embraced me like I've never been hugged before. In a moment that seemed to last for eternity, I saw The Cross, I saw Him say "It is finished," I saw my sin dissolve and fade away to nothing. I felt the waves of grace washing over me, and not only did I feel grace I accepted the grace that He had given to me. I then heard Him whisper ever so gently, but with all the authority of heaven and earth, into my ear: "Nikita, you are Mine. You are insanely beautiful and I treasure you more than ANYTHING in this world."

In that instant, I knew that I had fallen away, but I had finally grasped the fact that Jesus had been there the entire time. Calling out to me, longing once again to be joined in this beautiful embrace as we finally were once again. He ached for me; that I would just turn ever so slightly and notice Him there yearning for me to return to Him. I was more than my hurts and pains that I was going through, I was a beloved daughter of His. No matter what I had done, it was nothing in the shadow of the cross. It had been dealt with and it was gone, my only job was to accept it.

Falling...

"Lord, You know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them."

Psalm 10:17

I messed up. I have finally come to realize that. I have been living a life that I had justified in my own eyes.

I have been too closely wrapped up in life around me. I've had extreme tunnel vision. My vision has been of a life where only I mattered. Where what I wanted came first, and what I wanted to do was more important than the foundations that I've built my life upon. Who I hurt didn't matter, because I only did what brought me the most pleasure. I have been selfish and didn't care about consequences, because I thought to myself... I could be doing worse. My morals and my entire worldview shifted. First in my mind was no longer what would Jesus have me do, but it was what can I do next to make myself happy?

I fell flat on my face. I finally found the strength to pick myself up and go to church. I opened my eyes and looked around me. There was nothing. I looked up and realized how deep down into the hole I was. My eyes and heart were opened to the damage I've caused myself. I saw my relationship with the Lord growing more and more distant and my relationship with the world becoming more and more intimate.

That is where I am left at this moment. At the bottom of a hole, completely vulnerable. Opening up and screaming from the bottom saying I NEED HELP. I NEED THE LORD MORE THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. Feeling scared, because I didn't even realize how deep down I was in this hole. I feel helpless: stuck at the bottom of a hole with the walls slowly caving in.

But my heart clings onto the promise of this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who spirits are crushed."

Psalm 34:18

One Year

A year ago today my life was changed forever. It was one of those moments that define you, that put your true character to the test. I was in what the world would consider an accident. But today one year after the event I am able to say that this was no accident, it was an event that happened under complete control of the hands of God.

Today I am looking past the pain that I feel. The emotional impact the accident had on me and going to the Source and simply saying thank-you for Your grace and mercy and thank-you for Your unending love.

My life truly did change a year ago, when once again a storm was brought into my life and God was there calling to me: I am your shelter the One you can take refuge in.

Feelings.

I haven't written a post in a really, really long time.

When asked why today by a friend, I couldn't answer why. There is no real good reason. I think it's been because I just can't seem to put into words exactly how I am feeling or exactly how I am processing the things that are happening in my life right now.

I'm completely fed up with being in pain, but I'm coping. I'm struggling with seeing God in the midst of all this, but I see Him doing wonders in my life. I don't understand why this has happened in my life, but I still believe without a doubt that God is with me every single step of the way. I feel like I don't have the strength to continue on, but I know that He provides strength for the day. I feel completely lost, but I also am able to get completely lost in His Word. He seems so far away, yet I am overwhelmed by His love for me. I lose sight of the fact that God is still good, even though my pain isn't good. I get frustrated that nobody understands my pain, but I have a Saviour who knows EXACTLY how I feel.

So, I come before the Lord once again. Completely humbled. Heart completely abandoned. Unable to express my feelings, but knowing that He knows. Coming to Him with my frustrations and hurts. Coming to Him with complete confidence in His promises. Wholly dependent on Him with everything that I have left.

Trusting..

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on you own understanding, in all your ways sumbit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting in Him tonight. Praying for guidance, and believing in His plan.

New Year, New Motivations

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions.

The start of a new year always brings out new goals, new dreams and new motivations.

I spent the last six months feeling like I've been placed onto the second string team; that I had to wait until I felt better to be able to make a difference. I not only lost my drive, but my hopes, dreams and desires shifted to healing and myself.

As this New Year begins I start it with a shifted focus, once again back onto the things that have been engraved on my heart; working with children, helping those around me. These things still matter to me and these things are still the things God desires of me. They are still engraved on my heart and are still some of the things that define me as a person. I haven't been placed on the second string, but I have been lead down the road Jesus has called me to be on at this moment. And as much as I don't like it right now, I can say with confidence that I know that this is where I am meant to be.

I choose light; as much as it would be easier for me to choose to quit. I choose to believe that He is with me always, which means even in the pain. I choose to trust that my life, no matter the outcome, no matter how bad the pain gets, that no matter how much I don’t feel like getting up once again, will be lived out fully for Jesus which means getting up every single time. My strength is no longer coming from within myself, it’s coming from Jesus. I’m learning to depend on HIM for EVERYTHING. I can no longer get through the day without Him. I keep trying and it doesn’t work. I attempt to get up and find my own way to get through the day, as my pride gets in the way. I don’t like being dependent and it doesn't come natural to me, that I am unable do something for myself.

And all this has turned into a battle within me, what my mind tells me that I should be able to fix and what my heart tells me to let go and allow God's will to run freely within my life. As I dig into God's word, and press into the Truths I have learned I am reminded that God could have chosen to heal me by now, but He has CHOSEN not to. He has the power to do it in an instant, but has decided to allow it. As much as I don't like hearing that and every time someone has tried to say something along those lines I have resisted and claimed that it wasn't fair. I could have chosen not to go to Africa, but I did. I can say that it’s not my fault that I was in an accident, so why do I have to live with all the consequences? I can choose to have a bad attitude about it and continue feeling sorry for myself but that doesn’t get me anywhere. But the truth plain and simply is this: His ways are higher than my ways, and the plans that He has made are good and true.

I was unable to sing worship songs because I didn’t believe in what the words were saying, because there was no way a good God would allow this, there wasn’t any way a God of healing would allow such pain, there was no way a just God could allow something so unfair to happen. It took a lot of pain, anger and misunderstandings to get me to this point. It took a friend listening to these frustrations to make me realize where my heart was focused and how my eyes had been gazing not into the eyes of Jesus, but into this hole I had created around me.

So as I turn this next corner completely focused on Jesus I am able to once again listen to worship music and believe the words they say, I am able once again to believe that I am a loved daughter of Christ. Because when all that is within me is living for Christ and all my being is completely determined to bring glory to God, my pain changes. My pain becomes just another item that I can check off overcoming with the help of a magnificent Saviour. My pain is no longer considered my pain... It’s left at the foot of the cross.