Clouds.

"And provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendour."

Isaiah 61:3

Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty. 

I was driving today. It was early in the morning and I wasn't looking forward to the day ahead. As I looked out; I saw the pain my day was to be filled with. I contemplated the stresses of the day and I focused on the heartache and trouble that just were laying in wait for me.  

Then my eyes caught a glimpse of something. It wasn't the sunshine but the clouds that caught my eye. Splendorous, magnificent colours radiating from and around the clouds. Vibrant blues and glorious purples. The glory rays shone down making the reaching hand of God visible to the naked eye. I caught a peak of heaven. Nothing that can be described except for a landscape painted by the very had of God. 

In this moment I got a glance into the mind of God. For a brief second I took in the very breathe of God and had complete clarity. An instant flash where time stood still and life made perfect sense. I saw clearly the picture He had broadcasted in the skies for me on this humble morning. 

Without those clouds, without those dark spots in the sky there would be no way to show off the majesty of the heavens. A clear blue sky wouldn't have reflected the colours of God that brilliantly. Without those blemishes in the flawless blue skies the beauty wouldn't have been showcasing the magnificence that God was fully capable of declaring. 

God revealed to me the picture of my own life. The vibrant colours of red, green, pink and purple. The spectacular shades of orange and splashes of yellow. An image too wonderful for my own eyes. A display that even the angels stopped to view its brilliance. 

He zoomed into the dazzling display. I saw moments of my life presented as fabulous colours and miraculous shapes. The twinkles that shimmered the brightest, where the most glory was blazing from caught my attention. It wasn't the times were I was the happiest nor even when I felt the most loved. It was those moments where God seemed the furthest, but I cried out for Him the loudest. The times where I was hurting beyond compare but still searched for His face. The sleepless nights when the last thing I wanted to do was trust in His almighty plan, but did so anyway. It was the moments in the story where I praised Him in the storm that gleamed the brightest in this panoramic manifestation of my life.  

It was in this brief moment of clarity where my life was made complete, where I felt alive and whole. I realized that those moments that I had considered black marks; that I wished to erase, those were the moments where the heavens sang along with me. I noticed that the times that I seemed so lost and confused, demanding comfort from the Lord is when the angels came in a helped paint the picture. It was those whispers of faith and trust in my scariest moments that popped from the painting. It was those times where I said Lord I want to give up because I have nothing left, but I will come before Your throne one last time that shimmered so intensely with colour I knew that the Father Himself must have done His finest work to paint it.

It changed me. It refined me. I gave me a new outlook on the picture of my life that I thought I knew so well. I got the immense privilege to see it through the eyes of the Lord and it wrecked me. Wrecked me from my old way of thinking; my prideful ways of despising the dark shadowy moments of my life. I saw these moments how God viewed them: a battle valiantly fought in the heavenlies. A victory over Satan and a conqueror under Jesus' name. I realized finally, that God noticed the fight I was fighting. Not only did He notice it, but He was proud of the warrior I had become. 

My entire story written in the heavens, exposed for the world to see and His voice proclaiming that He was well pleased in His daughter is what I saw today. I say once again, thank you Lord for opening my eyes and ears it is a privilege to call you my Father. 

"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the House of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple."

Psalm 27:4

"Splendour and majesty are before him; strength and beauty are in his sanctuary."

Psalm 96:6

You Deserve Praise

Pass me not, oh gentle Saviour

Lord and hear my humble prayer

'Cause all that I have ever wanted

was a Father Who'd attend to me because He cares

You called me out of the dark

You called me into Your arms

Lord I will walk

Lord I will run

Lord I will hold to the heart of my God

See I'm standing tall

And I lift You up

I'm standing firm in the grip of my God

Lord, and I'm giving You all that I've got

You deserve my praise

Every gift You give is goodness

Lord Your mercy's new each day

So I have come to praise the one and only Father

I am captivated by Your ways

Words.

God take these words and remove them from me. Replace these words, these wounds. Break these strongholds. Take them away, wash me white again, cover me in Your blood. 

Pain, emptiness, misunderstanding, hurt, rejection, delusion, distrust, wounds, hatred, disunity, frustration, brokenness, lies, heartache, death, mistakes, cuts, confusion, terror, anxiety, depression, loneliness, worry, scars, damage, tears. 

Fill in the gaps and my cracks with these words. Place me on the foundations of these. Allow the truth of these words seep through my soul. That I will not just hear these words, but they will be believed in my heart. Satisfy my thirst with these words. Make them my everything. 

Wholeness, love, trust, unity, awakening, peace, affection, direction, purpose, understanding, kindness, renewal, strength, witness, recovery, victory, adoration, majesty, devotion, friendship, reconciliation, covenant, safety, revival, strong tower, holy, child of God, promise, rescue, courage, complete. 

Promise me that You'll continually speak them over me for eternity. 

Overcome.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"No in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37

His Arms Wrapped Around Me.

I sat during worship. 

Feeling like I was unloved. Not feeling that sense of purpose and life that I once did. I sat there in the middle of people surrendered, people shouting praises, people feeling the tangible love of Christ. I sat there not feeling like joining in on the singing. I sat there not feeling the satisfaction that I felt like I deserved feeling. I sat there not even feeling like being there. I sat there feeling alone and abandoned by everyone. I sat there completely empty. 

And then He touched me. The Holy Spirit. I told Him that if He wanted this sense of hopelessness to fade that something needed to be done and it needed to be done in a big way. And He kindly responded when I wanted it the least. 

I felt His arms wrap around me tightly. I felt the warmth of His touch. It angered me. I had asked for this touch for so many days, so many weeks and so many months, but He had withheld it from me. I had begged for this touch, this feeling, this comfort for hours on end, during sleepless nights, hopeless moments of insanity and numerous other desperate flashes of time. But He had kept it from me. He had concealed it. 

But there I sat with His arms wrapped tightly around me. 

I sat there empty and those arms just kept holding me tighter. Anger turned into frustration. I didn't want this anymore. I didn't ask for this to happen at this moment. I had longed for it before, but today, today I was content with the distance. I had ached with my entirety for this feeling before, but now I told myself-- told my heart and my soul that I had given up hope. I had renounced my title as a Daughter of the King and held up high my white flag of surrender. The battle was over, the battle wasn't going to be fought anymore. I didn't care. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want this so called privilege of suffering. I had given up completely with no strength of expectation, no thought of ambition to achieve anything further, no faith or confidence in anything. 

But still, those arms wrapped around me. 

Frustration turned into begging. I SCREAMED out to Him. I shouted for Him to release me from His hands. Cried for Him to just let me give up, let me stop fighting, JUST LET ME GIVE UP. I cried over and over and over again still, PLEASE just let me give up. 

Yet still, those arms wrapped around me. 

They didn't even let up for a second with all my shouting and feelings of hatred. No matter how much louder I screamed, how much more I resented the hands that were holding me. He remained steadfast. He could take it. He could withstand my insecurities. He could bear my true feelings without getting His own hurt. He could endure the weight of my heavy heart's deepest feelings. 

He kept His arms wrapped around me. 

All That I Can Say

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

Lord didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right no
I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet