His Arms Wrapped Around Me.

I sat during worship. 

Feeling like I was unloved. Not feeling that sense of purpose and life that I once did. I sat there in the middle of people surrendered, people shouting praises, people feeling the tangible love of Christ. I sat there not feeling like joining in on the singing. I sat there not feeling the satisfaction that I felt like I deserved feeling. I sat there not even feeling like being there. I sat there feeling alone and abandoned by everyone. I sat there completely empty. 

And then He touched me. The Holy Spirit. I told Him that if He wanted this sense of hopelessness to fade that something needed to be done and it needed to be done in a big way. And He kindly responded when I wanted it the least. 

I felt His arms wrap around me tightly. I felt the warmth of His touch. It angered me. I had asked for this touch for so many days, so many weeks and so many months, but He had withheld it from me. I had begged for this touch, this feeling, this comfort for hours on end, during sleepless nights, hopeless moments of insanity and numerous other desperate flashes of time. But He had kept it from me. He had concealed it. 

But there I sat with His arms wrapped tightly around me. 

I sat there empty and those arms just kept holding me tighter. Anger turned into frustration. I didn't want this anymore. I didn't ask for this to happen at this moment. I had longed for it before, but today, today I was content with the distance. I had ached with my entirety for this feeling before, but now I told myself-- told my heart and my soul that I had given up hope. I had renounced my title as a Daughter of the King and held up high my white flag of surrender. The battle was over, the battle wasn't going to be fought anymore. I didn't care. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want this so called privilege of suffering. I had given up completely with no strength of expectation, no thought of ambition to achieve anything further, no faith or confidence in anything. 

But still, those arms wrapped around me. 

Frustration turned into begging. I SCREAMED out to Him. I shouted for Him to release me from His hands. Cried for Him to just let me give up, let me stop fighting, JUST LET ME GIVE UP. I cried over and over and over again still, PLEASE just let me give up. 

Yet still, those arms wrapped around me. 

They didn't even let up for a second with all my shouting and feelings of hatred. No matter how much louder I screamed, how much more I resented the hands that were holding me. He remained steadfast. He could take it. He could withstand my insecurities. He could bear my true feelings without getting His own hurt. He could endure the weight of my heavy heart's deepest feelings. 

He kept His arms wrapped around me.