am i allowed to even say this?
but am i really a christian right now?
i have unbelief.
i have doubt.
i am unable to comprehend the joy that is coming... (okay, the bible does say that we won't be able to anyways... so that's a given).
what do i know?
i know grief.
i know suffering.
& i know that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour.
but i have unbelief and doubt in my heart.
i know the answer: to such despair, this anguish and these questions is that we live in a fallen world.
but still,
i have legitimate questions.
why can't i ever see my mom again?
i want to spend eternity with my grandmother,
and if that means not going to heaven…. am i okay with that?
is that even allowed to be asked?
am i allowed to ponder such things?
seems blasphemous.
but as life seems to roll to a complete stop these are the times that these questions need to be asked.
so you're going to ask…
is this some beautiful disaster?
some rebirth as a phoenix?
some spiritual low that skyrockets a faith of steel?
or very simply… is this rock bottom?
yes.
this is very simply put: rock bottom.
never have i ever been more suicidal than i have been now.
never been more sure of the decision.
preparations have been prepared,
my ducks are in a row. a fucked up row… but a row none the less.
i am finished.
as soon as i typed that i heard Jesus say, “it is finished.”
okay, so, i am going to go through this crazy spiritual revival?
no.
no.
not now.
i don’t have the capacity for this.
nor do i have the time for this.
but alas, quite contrary to what the journal cover said today, about quiet whispers from God, it’s a: loud shout from Heaven.
i was brought to the book of james.
ha ha ha…
not funny God.
i already know this passage well.
i am very cynical towards this passage right now.
‘count it all joy……’
JOY.
no.
no.
not ever.
okay, the next part.
‘when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.’
yes.
something i can comprehend.
i understand that…
that makes complete sense.
sign me up any day, for a tad bit of suffering in order to build my character to become more like God’s.
‘perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
right?
me?
perfect?
…my list of flaws is longer than santa’s naughty list.
complete?
…i’m shattered.
i’ve been broken down and beaten down so many times that i don’t even know where most of my pieces are.
needing nothing?
my trauma has made me become completely dependant on someone else for any little thing that i may require.
so let’s back that up…
‘perfect & complete, needing nothing’
troubles of many kinds.
i can tell you that me being left to my troubles of many kinds as you can see is not bringing me near my perfect and complete self… and its left me needing everything.
so God.
i’m just wondering why james?
i have a problem with pretty much everything You just had me read.
if this is the ending why bring me to suffering.
the one thing that i know.
a bit presumptuous to say, but i have not just suffered, i would like to say i have suffered more than my fair share. (which is why i know that i have done something to deserve this… sorry … another belief, another post).
i am in such suffering i want to end my life…
ah-haa!
He’s meeting me where i am at.
as my Jesus, my Saviour suffered on this earth,
He suffered as i have.
i can confidently say that there is no one on this earth that can understand my suffering as much as Him.
my suffering pails in comparison, yet His compassion exudes every pour of His body.
that’s what i had lost sight of…
‘in this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world’
i hear it again.
‘it is finished.’
i know what it means now.
my suffering… not even mine.
that was dealt for on the cross and it is finished.
THAT’s why i can count it all joy.
THAT’s what perfect & complete look like.
THAT’s needing nothing.
i don’t need to take ownership over ‘my’ suffering.
it is dealt with,
it is out in the open,
it was exposed on the cross,
it was paid for in full.
and that’s how God,
Master of the universe
gets His little princess through another painful day.
