It begins now.

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

God has placed me here for a specific reason. He has set aside this time in Abbotsford for a purpose. As I have softened my heart towards Him, and accepted that there isn't a time where I am "outreach" and when I am home. That He has called me to live in a missions field. That He has placed my family in my life so that I may be a LIGHT to them. That my life can't ONLY reflect Christ when I am overseas. That it's a DAILY conscious choice to live out exactly how I have been transformed.

I just want to declare that TODAY is the day of Salvation. TODAY is the day I start living as a changed believer of Christ. Today I start living outwardly this transformation.

It's no longer good enough to be changed from the inside. It's outwardly showing the transforming power of Christ to the WORLD; starting with my family. I HAVE been renewed! The POWER of Christ is ALIVE within me. Today I submit COMPLETELY to the task that I know God has been tugging my heart towards for a VERY long time.

Today is the start of something beautiful.

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

Fight The Good Fight.

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way.
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand.

These past weeks have been hard. It's been a struggle within me: a battle between my head and the rest of my body. My mind has not comprehended or given into what my soul knows is right. It's been an ongoing battle...

Even as I write this I am brought to tears. I'm STRIVING for more of God, but I hold back. I confess with my mouth and heart that I want all of God, but I withdraw when He asks me to give all of myself back to Him. But the desire is there. The unrest within me has taken over.

You won't relent
until you have it all...
my heart is yours.

God is not allowing me to be satisfied with only half of Him. My spirit isn't resting because I know that there is TRUTH out there I still am not grasping. My heart is still overloaded because I do not comprehend the fullness of God. Everything inside me has been stirred to no longer be quenched with what I have been alright with before.

These struggles within me have exhausted me. COMPLETELY drained me. I've worn out EVERYTHING that I have. There is absolutely NOTHING left of me.

I've realized that what I've done during my time in YWAM... things that were confirmed in my heart, struggles that I had held onto that I was released from and freedoms that were gained in my life , STILL need to be DECLARED today, they still NEED to be CLAIMED TODAY!

He empties me because He is ABLE to fill me once again, but I haven’t allowed Him into to do that. It’s been a DAILY battle, a continuous conscious choice to choose LIGHT! I know I lose sight of the goal and after falling flat on my face again and again, the desire is gone to face the reality that it is happening for a purpose and get back up. It’s easier for me to stay down.

But I hear God calling out to me, saying I WILL REFRESH you. I see Him stretching His arms out and crying I will REPLENISH your spirit. I recognize He longs to RENEW within me the passion to be content in Him alone.

So, I come to the Lord tonight defeated wanting to be victorious. I come to the Lord tonight humbled to a place where I can honestly ask to be filled ONLY by Him. Tonight I am able to grasp that I’ve been suitably equipped for the battle that is ahead and I will be given ENOUGH for the day.

It’s the start of something wonderful. It’s the start of something deeper. It’s the start of something extraordinary.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rules, nor things present or things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:37-40

There is hope for helpless.

Rest for the weary.

Love for the broken heart.

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing.

He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus.

Cry out to Jesus.

Tonight I call on Jesus.

Tonight I pray for His arms to wrap around me.

Tonight I desire His tangible love.

Tonight I long for comfort beyond comprehension.

Tonight I ask for unconditional grace.

Tonight I proclaim I need Him more than ever.

Tonight I DECLARE His love has covered me.

Tonight I say that I'm no longer afraid.

Tonight I cry that out to Jesus.

Tonight I realize your love is all that matters.

Tonight I devote my entire self to You once again.

Tonight I understand the power of Your Blood.

Tonight I am no longer satisfied with half truths.

Tonight I acknowledge that there is a time for everything.

Tonight I know He is with me.

Tonight I rest in the TRUTH that I am HIS.

Tonight I stand adored by Him.

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together.

India

India.

The place where my ancestors reside.

I am learning the language right now, I understand the culture, traditions and beliefs. Not only do I understand the people I AM one of the people.

Missions, India, Me... It makes perfect sense doesn't it?! I realize that anyone looking from the outside considers it a perfect situation. And I've heard it many times before.

I hear about the AMAZING things about what is happening in North India and how God is moving throughout the people there and the need they have for people to come alongside them and partner with them united under His name. My heart MOVES, my heart LEAPS out of my chest. It stirs within me, something so intense that I can barely contain my shout of SEND ME LORD... I know that it does every time I hear about missions. But at the same time I have this connection with India and as I saw the faces flash on the screen last night I saw the faces of my family, I saw myself.....

I have HUGE dreams that I keep deep down inside my heart, dreams that I know are crazy but I KNOW are possible for God. I want to have an orphanage. I want to have hundreds of kids inside of it with so much love that it is OVERWHELMING and you can tangibly feel it when you walk in. I desire for all children to understand that they are children of God and LIVE it out. I want my orphanage to reach out to the community and help families. I want it to be a place of refuge where the lost find hope, the broken become whole, the helpless feel needed, the lonely feel loved, the poor find their treasure in Heaven, the abandoned feel welcomed, unloved feel adored, the needy feel abundance, and BEST of all everyone finds JESUS.

I now realize that I TRULY don't care where I am serving God. The children have the same smiles and they have the same needs. So what if Thailand is beautiful? Africa sounds cooler? Or Central America has better beaches? Where He leads I will follow. I get into the car and then ask where the destination is. I am not going to wait to see what the destination and then decide to get in.

For the first time ever, I saw what other people saw so clearly. My calling may be to India, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is my ministry, what matters is the glory of His name, what matters most is that Jesus is going to do POWERFUL things. And I have the INDESCRIBABLE PRIVELEDGE of being a part of that.

Expect GREAT things from God, Attempt GREAT things for God.

Restless

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in Spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I’ve been exhausting myself. Salvation can’t be earned. No matter what I do, even if I gave the ABSOLUTE best that I had to offer to God, it still wouldn’t be NEAR enough. The reality is that there isn’t anything I could possibly do on my own to make God love me more.

I’ve been trying to satisfy myself and have not been allowing the comfort of God to flow over me. I try to earn grace. Though I say with my head I believe God gives grace, it is incomprehensible to me that grace is a free gift. And I find time and time again that I exhaust myself trying to do whatever I can do earn it.

It is these simple truths that I have skewed and told myself that for everyone else they work like that. But for me I have to earn it. For me I have to be a good person. For me it’s different. I feel like there is hope in the distance, but it’s not close enough to reach. I feel like God grants rest, but what have I done to deserve it? I feel that God loves unconditionally, but who am I that He will love me? God gives peace that surpasses all knowledge, but what are my problems that I should need relief?

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You`ve done.
Not because of what I`ve done.
But because of who You are...

But over this week I've been learning to let go of these things. It's been a slow process, and I still don't fully feel as though I've let go completely. But I know that it's a start. Realizing that these thoughts, hurts and pains aren't what define who I am. Jesus defines me. Jesus' blood is what I am covered by, not by lies. Jesus' love is what I want to live by, not the distorted truth I've let myself believe. I can't be satisfied with the feeling of emptiness when God longs to FILL me daily! It can no longer be adequate for me to only long and desire for all of these half truths anymore, because now that I’ve realized how much more of God there is and that I have discovered how many of His characteristics I haven’t fully grasped in regards to my own life. It changing something in my soul, to no longer be satisfied with anything less than all of Jesus.

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

I was quickly pushed past the point of humbleness to worthlessness. God has truly BLESSED beyond BLESSED me with the most WONDERFUL people I`ve ever known who speak into my life. They bless me and remind me of who exactly I am in Him and what exactly I mean to Him.

Now we need to apply the blood of Christ around the door of our heart or else deal with the consequences.

Now that I’ve tasted and seen the REAL Jesus I am confident that as I DECLARE these flaws I have to Him. Now that I understand that I’ve believed these lies as truth. Now that I realize I haven’t been living in the light. I can CHANGE. I can TRANSFORM. I can OVERCOME the darkness. Because that is who Jesus TRULY is. Jesus FULLY satisfies. Jesus COMPLETELY loves. Jesus FREELY gives. Jesus GLADLY grants. Jesus OVERWHELMINGLY adores. Jesus PROVIDES rest. Jesus COVERS with grace. Jesus PENETRATES my soul.

I want the Gospel to change me. I want it refine me. I want to truly understand the POWER of the Cross and let that flow into EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life. It was said to me that once we truly understand what God has done for us, and that Jesus loves us: our suffering will never be the same. We will have no choice other than to rejoice, our only option will be praising the Lord, and the first thing our hearts will say is I trust YOU Jesus.

As I rest in Him I long to get to that place...

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."

I`ve used this quote before, but I feel as though it’s PERFECT for what I am feeling right now.

WHO AM I? AM YOURS!