Restless

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in Spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I’ve been exhausting myself. Salvation can’t be earned. No matter what I do, even if I gave the ABSOLUTE best that I had to offer to God, it still wouldn’t be NEAR enough. The reality is that there isn’t anything I could possibly do on my own to make God love me more.

I’ve been trying to satisfy myself and have not been allowing the comfort of God to flow over me. I try to earn grace. Though I say with my head I believe God gives grace, it is incomprehensible to me that grace is a free gift. And I find time and time again that I exhaust myself trying to do whatever I can do earn it.

It is these simple truths that I have skewed and told myself that for everyone else they work like that. But for me I have to earn it. For me I have to be a good person. For me it’s different. I feel like there is hope in the distance, but it’s not close enough to reach. I feel like God grants rest, but what have I done to deserve it? I feel that God loves unconditionally, but who am I that He will love me? God gives peace that surpasses all knowledge, but what are my problems that I should need relief?

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You`ve done.
Not because of what I`ve done.
But because of who You are...

But over this week I've been learning to let go of these things. It's been a slow process, and I still don't fully feel as though I've let go completely. But I know that it's a start. Realizing that these thoughts, hurts and pains aren't what define who I am. Jesus defines me. Jesus' blood is what I am covered by, not by lies. Jesus' love is what I want to live by, not the distorted truth I've let myself believe. I can't be satisfied with the feeling of emptiness when God longs to FILL me daily! It can no longer be adequate for me to only long and desire for all of these half truths anymore, because now that I’ve realized how much more of God there is and that I have discovered how many of His characteristics I haven’t fully grasped in regards to my own life. It changing something in my soul, to no longer be satisfied with anything less than all of Jesus.

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

I was quickly pushed past the point of humbleness to worthlessness. God has truly BLESSED beyond BLESSED me with the most WONDERFUL people I`ve ever known who speak into my life. They bless me and remind me of who exactly I am in Him and what exactly I mean to Him.

Now we need to apply the blood of Christ around the door of our heart or else deal with the consequences.

Now that I’ve tasted and seen the REAL Jesus I am confident that as I DECLARE these flaws I have to Him. Now that I understand that I’ve believed these lies as truth. Now that I realize I haven’t been living in the light. I can CHANGE. I can TRANSFORM. I can OVERCOME the darkness. Because that is who Jesus TRULY is. Jesus FULLY satisfies. Jesus COMPLETELY loves. Jesus FREELY gives. Jesus GLADLY grants. Jesus OVERWHELMINGLY adores. Jesus PROVIDES rest. Jesus COVERS with grace. Jesus PENETRATES my soul.

I want the Gospel to change me. I want it refine me. I want to truly understand the POWER of the Cross and let that flow into EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life. It was said to me that once we truly understand what God has done for us, and that Jesus loves us: our suffering will never be the same. We will have no choice other than to rejoice, our only option will be praising the Lord, and the first thing our hearts will say is I trust YOU Jesus.

As I rest in Him I long to get to that place...

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."

I`ve used this quote before, but I feel as though it’s PERFECT for what I am feeling right now.

WHO AM I? AM YOURS!