Trusting..

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on you own understanding, in all your ways sumbit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting in Him tonight. Praying for guidance, and believing in His plan.

New Year, New Motivations

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions.

The start of a new year always brings out new goals, new dreams and new motivations.

I spent the last six months feeling like I've been placed onto the second string team; that I had to wait until I felt better to be able to make a difference. I not only lost my drive, but my hopes, dreams and desires shifted to healing and myself.

As this New Year begins I start it with a shifted focus, once again back onto the things that have been engraved on my heart; working with children, helping those around me. These things still matter to me and these things are still the things God desires of me. They are still engraved on my heart and are still some of the things that define me as a person. I haven't been placed on the second string, but I have been lead down the road Jesus has called me to be on at this moment. And as much as I don't like it right now, I can say with confidence that I know that this is where I am meant to be.

I choose light; as much as it would be easier for me to choose to quit. I choose to believe that He is with me always, which means even in the pain. I choose to trust that my life, no matter the outcome, no matter how bad the pain gets, that no matter how much I don’t feel like getting up once again, will be lived out fully for Jesus which means getting up every single time. My strength is no longer coming from within myself, it’s coming from Jesus. I’m learning to depend on HIM for EVERYTHING. I can no longer get through the day without Him. I keep trying and it doesn’t work. I attempt to get up and find my own way to get through the day, as my pride gets in the way. I don’t like being dependent and it doesn't come natural to me, that I am unable do something for myself.

And all this has turned into a battle within me, what my mind tells me that I should be able to fix and what my heart tells me to let go and allow God's will to run freely within my life. As I dig into God's word, and press into the Truths I have learned I am reminded that God could have chosen to heal me by now, but He has CHOSEN not to. He has the power to do it in an instant, but has decided to allow it. As much as I don't like hearing that and every time someone has tried to say something along those lines I have resisted and claimed that it wasn't fair. I could have chosen not to go to Africa, but I did. I can say that it’s not my fault that I was in an accident, so why do I have to live with all the consequences? I can choose to have a bad attitude about it and continue feeling sorry for myself but that doesn’t get me anywhere. But the truth plain and simply is this: His ways are higher than my ways, and the plans that He has made are good and true.

I was unable to sing worship songs because I didn’t believe in what the words were saying, because there was no way a good God would allow this, there wasn’t any way a God of healing would allow such pain, there was no way a just God could allow something so unfair to happen. It took a lot of pain, anger and misunderstandings to get me to this point. It took a friend listening to these frustrations to make me realize where my heart was focused and how my eyes had been gazing not into the eyes of Jesus, but into this hole I had created around me.

So as I turn this next corner completely focused on Jesus I am able to once again listen to worship music and believe the words they say, I am able once again to believe that I am a loved daughter of Christ. Because when all that is within me is living for Christ and all my being is completely determined to bring glory to God, my pain changes. My pain becomes just another item that I can check off overcoming with the help of a magnificent Saviour. My pain is no longer considered my pain... It’s left at the foot of the cross.