His purpose.

But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.

Exodus 9:16

Proclaiming His promise of a purpose for my life today. Understanding that I am part of a plan that He has personally laid out before me.Trusting in His will, and that He has assured me that He will make my path straight. Today I am declaring that I no longer want to control my life, because that obviously hasn't worked. I desire for Him to take over complete control of my life once again, for all the shots to be called by Him, every decision based on His Word and all thoughts centred on Him.

He is calling me.

So turn around, you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late, you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the One who's strong, can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears, dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl.

Overwhelmed.

It was one of those days today.

One of those days where I had, had enough. Where my pain had become overwhelming. I knew that He promised that He wouldn't give me more than I could handle... but He must have made a mistake: because there was no way I could handle the pain that I was in today.

Most days I can cope. I can look beyond my pain and see Jesus. I see Him suffering and realize that my pain had already been paid for. I can push the pain aside and continue on with normal life.

Today I couldn't. I was hurting. My entire back was throbbing and my headache was unbearable. I couldn't look past my own pain, I couldn't focus on anything else but it. It became all consuming and I lost sight of the Lord.

At church tonight, I kept saying No. I didn't want to be open to the Holy Spirit. I wasn't ready to be filled once again. I resisted the love that I knew that was being showered down all around me. I stood back from the worship of the good and mighty God... But it didn't work. He overwhelmed me. He overwhelmed me with a love that cannot be described. A flood came pouring over me and filled every single crack that had formed within me. I felt Him touch me, love me and tell me that He cared so much about me. He told me that my pain wasn't my pain, that He wanted it, that He was taking it, and as a matter of fact, He had already dealt with it.

It had been one of those overwhelming days, but it ended with overwhelming love.

Trust.

Asking God to change your circumstances? He may be using your circumstances to change you.

Trusting in the Lord today.

Trusting He knows what is right.

Trusting He understands my struggles, pains and situations.

Trusting in His Sovereignty.

Trusting in his unending grace and unconditional love.

Trusting He'll get me through it.

Trusting in His strength.

Trusting that He is ABLE!

"O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me."

Pslam 25:2

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."

Pslam 37:5

A Beautiful Picture.

Don't try to hide your scars, they're stories for a hurting world of wounds only Jesus can heal.

Yesterday I broke through that wall of justification I had built for my actions and watched it collapse around me. I saw that imaginary sense of what I was doing being okay, fly straight through the door. I fell and I fell hard. Last night all I could focus on was my failings and that knot that had built up in my stomach, which was there from the people that I had hurt. It had taken over my entire thought process. I saw the ruins around me. I saw the mess around me and myself in the middle of the shambles. I witnessed the mountains of lies I had convinced myself of. I looked down into the valleys of shame that I had allowed myself to dive into. I gazed upon the dark clouds of shame that were looming over me. The waves of the vast ocean full of the flaws of my life were splashing over me. The destruction around me was unbearable.

The eyes of my heart had been opened. But they had failed to notice the most important feature of this picture. The Figure walking triumphantly towards me. Something Marvellous that was leaving behind a vibrant streak of colour behind Him, ever since the first moment He had entered into the picture. As He walked towards me the mountains of lies violently came crashing down and the valleys turned into luscious green pastures. The skies gloriously opened up. Flowers sprouted and celebrated the arrival of the King.My eyes had never seen anything so brilliant in my life. Though He was still off in the distance His Glory was too much for me to handle: I was thrown to my knees in adoration.

I saw His face. It was that same welcoming face that had welcomed me back again and again before. He gently picked me up off of my knees. Wiped the tears from my eyes and brushed off the dirt and filth off my body. He grabbed ahold of me and embraced me like I've never been hugged before. In a moment that seemed to last for eternity, I saw The Cross, I saw Him say "It is finished," I saw my sin dissolve and fade away to nothing. I felt the waves of grace washing over me, and not only did I feel grace I accepted the grace that He had given to me. I then heard Him whisper ever so gently, but with all the authority of heaven and earth, into my ear: "Nikita, you are Mine. You are insanely beautiful and I treasure you more than ANYTHING in this world."

In that instant, I knew that I had fallen away, but I had finally grasped the fact that Jesus had been there the entire time. Calling out to me, longing once again to be joined in this beautiful embrace as we finally were once again. He ached for me; that I would just turn ever so slightly and notice Him there yearning for me to return to Him. I was more than my hurts and pains that I was going through, I was a beloved daughter of His. No matter what I had done, it was nothing in the shadow of the cross. It had been dealt with and it was gone, my only job was to accept it.

Falling...

"Lord, You know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them."

Psalm 10:17

I messed up. I have finally come to realize that. I have been living a life that I had justified in my own eyes.

I have been too closely wrapped up in life around me. I've had extreme tunnel vision. My vision has been of a life where only I mattered. Where what I wanted came first, and what I wanted to do was more important than the foundations that I've built my life upon. Who I hurt didn't matter, because I only did what brought me the most pleasure. I have been selfish and didn't care about consequences, because I thought to myself... I could be doing worse. My morals and my entire worldview shifted. First in my mind was no longer what would Jesus have me do, but it was what can I do next to make myself happy?

I fell flat on my face. I finally found the strength to pick myself up and go to church. I opened my eyes and looked around me. There was nothing. I looked up and realized how deep down into the hole I was. My eyes and heart were opened to the damage I've caused myself. I saw my relationship with the Lord growing more and more distant and my relationship with the world becoming more and more intimate.

That is where I am left at this moment. At the bottom of a hole, completely vulnerable. Opening up and screaming from the bottom saying I NEED HELP. I NEED THE LORD MORE THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. Feeling scared, because I didn't even realize how deep down I was in this hole. I feel helpless: stuck at the bottom of a hole with the walls slowly caving in.

But my heart clings onto the promise of this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who spirits are crushed."

Psalm 34:18