Yesterday I broke through that wall of justification I had built for my actions and watched it collapse around me. I saw that imaginary sense of what I was doing being okay, fly straight through the door. I fell and I fell hard. Last night all I could focus on was my failings and that knot that had built up in my stomach, which was there from the people that I had hurt. It had taken over my entire thought process. I saw the ruins around me. I saw the mess around me and myself in the middle of the shambles. I witnessed the mountains of lies I had convinced myself of. I looked down into the valleys of shame that I had allowed myself to dive into. I gazed upon the dark clouds of shame that were looming over me. The waves of the vast ocean full of the flaws of my life were splashing over me. The destruction around me was unbearable.
The eyes of my heart had been opened. But they had failed to notice the most important feature of this picture. The Figure walking triumphantly towards me. Something Marvellous that was leaving behind a vibrant streak of colour behind Him, ever since the first moment He had entered into the picture. As He walked towards me the mountains of lies violently came crashing down and the valleys turned into luscious green pastures. The skies gloriously opened up. Flowers sprouted and celebrated the arrival of the King.My eyes had never seen anything so brilliant in my life. Though He was still off in the distance His Glory was too much for me to handle: I was thrown to my knees in adoration.
I saw His face. It was that same welcoming face that had welcomed me back again and again before. He gently picked me up off of my knees. Wiped the tears from my eyes and brushed off the dirt and filth off my body. He grabbed ahold of me and embraced me like I've never been hugged before. In a moment that seemed to last for eternity, I saw The Cross, I saw Him say "It is finished," I saw my sin dissolve and fade away to nothing. I felt the waves of grace washing over me, and not only did I feel grace I accepted the grace that He had given to me. I then heard Him whisper ever so gently, but with all the authority of heaven and earth, into my ear: "Nikita, you are Mine. You are insanely beautiful and I treasure you more than ANYTHING in this world."
In that instant, I knew that I had fallen away, but I had finally grasped the fact that Jesus had been there the entire time. Calling out to me, longing once again to be joined in this beautiful embrace as we finally were once again. He ached for me; that I would just turn ever so slightly and notice Him there yearning for me to return to Him. I was more than my hurts and pains that I was going through, I was a beloved daughter of His. No matter what I had done, it was nothing in the shadow of the cross. It had been dealt with and it was gone, my only job was to accept it.
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