Unhindered.

"The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life."
James L. Christensen

A lot of thinking and transforming... means a lot of blogging this week. I feel like this is the ONLY way to get these millions of CRAZY ideas out of my head and to make a little bit of sense...

God is moving. That is what I can start off with. He is doing incredible things in my life right now. They're subtle, and they're not so obvious from the outside. But within the depths of my heart God has been working overtime. My heart is beginning to come together once again. The pieces that I thought could never be mended and were fragmented beyond being rebuilt are starting to mesh together and become repaired. As I allow His love to penetrate through me not just on the surface level, I have realized that though In have understood who God is and all of His AMAZING characteristics, I am finally able to allow it to saturate into my soul... and it's an indescribable feeling.

As these walls come down around me I have never felt so vulnerable. I feel like I want to crawl back into my shell but at the same time I feel ready to take on the world. As I come to the Lord unhindered by phony strength, fake dreams and artificial love He reveals His true strength to me. It makes me realize how weak I am. It make me understand how much more of Him I need. And how good it feels to pour out because I WILL be refilled and refreshed again tomorrow.

I can't pretend to understand this change that is going through me. It's completely opposite of everything that I have ever been. It makes me nervous, but I have been ruined for the ordinary time and time again. So as I continue to learn how to surrender up my entire being DAILY I am thankful He reminds me of His LOVE every step of the way.

This is the day that I have boldness to tell the Lord that I want to be physically HEALED. I have the confidence that He will just do that. I LONG to dance, run, jump, play and live life unhindered.

"He PROCLAIMED the Kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ -- with all BOLDNESS without hindrance." Acts 28:31

My days dedicated to the Lord...

I have had a FABULOUS past two days. As I desire to be transformed by our LOVING Father I dedicated two days completely to Him. Putting aside EVERYTHING and focusing in on HIM without any distractions.

It was AMAZING and I don't know why I don't this more often. God met me exactly where I was... I mean it wasn't that much of a sacrifice: spending the days with my BEST FRIEND, my Father, my EVERYTHING.

I came out feeling convicted to an extent. Why don't I just do this every day? Why can't I pray and take captive every thought EVERYDAY? Why do I wait for special days to commit to God?

I meditated on the word ADORED. And it was AMAZING. I struggle with the fact that God will love me no matter what I am going through. I struggle with the fact that I am not adequate .I struggle with the fact that I am nobody, and who am I that I should be adored? Maybe I didn't get the answers, but I've never felt that LOVED in a LONG time. I didn't feel like I needed to pretend to be someone that I'm not. I didn't need to come with conviction because I am COVERED by grace. I didn’t need to pray something that I pretended was on my heart. I came as me. I came to Him as Nikita Caitlin Lalli: a twenty year old girl with a TON of baggage, some pretty CRAZY ideas, and HUGE unthinkable dreams. And that was the most FREEING feeling.

I've struggled a lot with freedom issues. If you asked me any time throughout these past years what I wanted most from God I'd tell you freedom. Freedom to live out my life unashamed, freedom from fear and freedom to be who I truly am.

It took me two days of trying to get to this place. It took two days just enjoying His presence instead of trying to impress Him with my strength and with my own abilities. I have realized how I have put on a front for the world and for God. I've felt as though I needed to prove to Him that I'm strong enough and that all these trials I have been going through they haven't affected me. I wanted to believe I was strong. But I’m not. I’m weak; I am but dust in His eyes. I have realized how He hasn’t placed these burdens on my back to cause me to stumble but to get me on my knees.

And that is where I was left once again. In God’s favourite position; on my knees with a humbled heart.

Fill Me Up God, Fill Me Up God, Fill Me Up God!

LOVE OF GOD OVERFLOW, PERMEATE ALL MY SOUL.

MY HONEST DECLARATION

“God allows the storm to prove He is the only shelter.”

I don't want these to just be words typed out onto a computer screen. I don't want these to be empty words I talk to people about. And I DON'T want these to be exhausted words that I pretend to declare.

These words truly come from my heart this evening....

I want, no I NEED to be SAVED by Jesus! I NEED Him in my life, I NEED Him to TRANSFORM my life. I am no longer satisfied from living a half life. Walking in partial freedom. Pretending that my head is held high.

Because I KNOW I'm too good for that. I KNOW that my God is stronger. I KNOW that my God has claimed VICTORY... so why except a loss?

I have come to realize throughout the years that this is a process that it isn't going to happen overnight. But tonight is the night I start living it out. I start to have God's goodness poured over me; I start soaking into His words and tonight is the night where the line becomes blurred of who I am and where Jesus begins. It is my heart's DESIRE for these things to become a reality.

Tonight I come to the feet of my Father willing to endure what He calls me to. Praying not for a lighter load but a stronger back. Accepting God’s plan as flawless.

This is my journey... It's been messy and I wish I could change a thing or two, but it's God's... which means it's PERFECTION.

“Patience is: trusting God to solve your problem, without setting a deadline for Him to do it.”

"Live simply, so that others can simply live."

“Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.”

I realize much of what I did in Africa has been overshadowed by the accident. First thing people want to know is everything about the crash and the aftermath of that. I think it's time to shed light on the WONDERFUL things we did before. I have this particular story to share today...

Growing up I always remember Mother Teresa being my hero. I remember reading books about her and saying that I wanted to change the world when I grew up. I remember reading about her ministry and how she chose to help the poorest of the poor.

We had the privilege of going to the Mother Teresa home in Addis Ababa. We got to witness there first hand children with disabilities, AIDS patients, TB patients, street women who had recently given birth that were given a place to stay for the first four months so that the babies at least had a chance to survive, we saw leprosy patients, the elderly who no one wanted to care for, and many lost and lonely people. We were able to visit the dying rooms and got to pray with people who only had a few days left to live. It was then I finally realized the true meaning of Mother Teresa’s ministry.

Her ministry wasn’t only to these people because they didn’t have anything. She understood their deepest issue. She distinguished their deepest need. She interpreted the greatest gift that she could give them. And that was LOVE. It was caring for them; it was accepting them for who they are; with their flaws and imperfections, with the smell and the tattered clothes, with poverty and with their untouchable diseases. It was loving them unconditionally with God’s heart which was such a contrast from the rest of the world. It was tending to their needs when society had said we want nothing to do with you. It was treasuring them; it was nurturing them like a loving mother. It was respecting them enough to take the time to notice them; to say “hello, how are you doing.” This was her greatest ministry: Loving the unloved.

I got to be a part of this great ministry. Though I was only there for a day, I got the opportunity to love these people. I got the chance to make a difference it someone’s life. We were able to go through this home and pray for people. To give them hugs and shake their hands and tell them that God loved them EXACTLY the way that they were. He fearfully and wonderfully created them EXACTLY the way they were. It was life changing. It was such an honour to be able to care about these people unconditionally.

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.”

Humbled. Loved. Adored. Cherished. Awed.

Dear God,

I have traveled around the world and back for You. Under Your name I have seen great and mighty things. I have seen magnificent wonders made both my man and the Hand of God. I have witnessed first hand what most people read about in books and see in movies. I have come to realize Your heart for this broken world and I see the soft spots that Your heart longs for and that Your soul aches for. My prayer today is that to the ends of the earth, to the highest nomad villages to the deepest underground churches that Your glory will be KNOWN, that Your majesty will REIGN and Your love will OVERFLOW. It is my prayer that as You have shown me and made me knowledgeable in things like starving children, brothels, homeless families, epidemics and all those lost and lonely people, that You will also show me how You desire to use me. That You will show me MY part in the solution. That You will bring to my mind how YOU intend fix this. That along the way You will remind me that You are ALMIGHTY and are able to redeem all things. I know that You're enough, that You're enough to REPAIR the broken no matter what we've been through. Please guide me and give me strength and abilities to fufill your will in my life.

I desire to be Your sample here on earth.

With GREAT love,

Your HUMBLED daughter.

Your ways are higher than my ways.

"Your ways are higher than our ways, and the plans you have made are good and true. If you call us to the fire, you will not withdraw your hand, we'll gaze into the flames and look for you."

I don't like to learn hard lessons. I don't like learning from my own mistakes. I don't like to learn from going through struggles.... But I know that they refine me. I know that they are what transform my bad habits and I know they teach me in a way that lasts.

At the end of the day I know whose throne I bow before, and whose feet I humbly kneel before. I know whose heart loves me unconditionally and whose hands I choose to place my own heart into. I know who knows MUCH more than I do and only has my best interests in mind.

"Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident." Psalm 27:3

Damaged at best.

"I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out., I'm falling apart... I'm barley breathing, with a broken heart, that is still beating. In the pain... is there healing? In your name, I find meaning."

I DECLARE I NEED His help!!

I came home tonight completely convicted, broken and my back THROBBING in pain.

I realize now, how I thought that I had confidence, confidence in what I believed, confidence that I could do it. Tonight I see how quickly this confidence has turned into arrogance.

Tonight I am on my knees, arms wide open. DECLARING I NEED HIS HELP! Declaring that I am completely broken. Declaring I am empty and NEED to be filled once again with Him. Declaring that I need to stop PRETENDING everything is alright and that I need to take DOWN these high, high walls I've built all around me.

I claim that I have done all that I can... and I CAN'T do it on my own... I've come to the end of everything that I've got. There isn't any of me left. My cracks are too wide for me to keep going the way that I've been going, they NEED to be repaired. They need to be filled with a incomprehensible love. My heart has been torn too many times that I can't revive it. It needs to be put into the overflowing hands of grace of my merciful Saviour. My soul has been exhausted and completely worn out. It needs to be rejuvenated by the Lord Almighty. And my hope needs to be replenished by the Hope of the Nations.

Tonight I realized how completely broken I am.

I'm damaged at best. And tonight I DECLARE that unashamed...

Tonight it is the honest cry of my humbled heart that God will just come down and REIGN in my life. That He will take CONTROL over my life, and that I'll be humble enough to allow HIM to do it!

Give me life again... because I just want to be whole.

"So I'm holding on, I'm barely holding onto you. I'm hanging on, another day, just to see what, you'll throw my way... I'm hanging on, to the words you say, you said that I will, I will be okay."