Falling...

"Lord, You know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them."

Psalm 10:17

I messed up. I have finally come to realize that. I have been living a life that I had justified in my own eyes.

I have been too closely wrapped up in life around me. I've had extreme tunnel vision. My vision has been of a life where only I mattered. Where what I wanted came first, and what I wanted to do was more important than the foundations that I've built my life upon. Who I hurt didn't matter, because I only did what brought me the most pleasure. I have been selfish and didn't care about consequences, because I thought to myself... I could be doing worse. My morals and my entire worldview shifted. First in my mind was no longer what would Jesus have me do, but it was what can I do next to make myself happy?

I fell flat on my face. I finally found the strength to pick myself up and go to church. I opened my eyes and looked around me. There was nothing. I looked up and realized how deep down into the hole I was. My eyes and heart were opened to the damage I've caused myself. I saw my relationship with the Lord growing more and more distant and my relationship with the world becoming more and more intimate.

That is where I am left at this moment. At the bottom of a hole, completely vulnerable. Opening up and screaming from the bottom saying I NEED HELP. I NEED THE LORD MORE THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. Feeling scared, because I didn't even realize how deep down I was in this hole. I feel helpless: stuck at the bottom of a hole with the walls slowly caving in.

But my heart clings onto the promise of this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who spirits are crushed."

Psalm 34:18