Feelings.

I haven't written a post in a really, really long time.

When asked why today by a friend, I couldn't answer why. There is no real good reason. I think it's been because I just can't seem to put into words exactly how I am feeling or exactly how I am processing the things that are happening in my life right now.

I'm completely fed up with being in pain, but I'm coping. I'm struggling with seeing God in the midst of all this, but I see Him doing wonders in my life. I don't understand why this has happened in my life, but I still believe without a doubt that God is with me every single step of the way. I feel like I don't have the strength to continue on, but I know that He provides strength for the day. I feel completely lost, but I also am able to get completely lost in His Word. He seems so far away, yet I am overwhelmed by His love for me. I lose sight of the fact that God is still good, even though my pain isn't good. I get frustrated that nobody understands my pain, but I have a Saviour who knows EXACTLY how I feel.

So, I come before the Lord once again. Completely humbled. Heart completely abandoned. Unable to express my feelings, but knowing that He knows. Coming to Him with my frustrations and hurts. Coming to Him with complete confidence in His promises. Wholly dependent on Him with everything that I have left.

Trusting..

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on you own understanding, in all your ways sumbit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting in Him tonight. Praying for guidance, and believing in His plan.

New Year, New Motivations

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions.

The start of a new year always brings out new goals, new dreams and new motivations.

I spent the last six months feeling like I've been placed onto the second string team; that I had to wait until I felt better to be able to make a difference. I not only lost my drive, but my hopes, dreams and desires shifted to healing and myself.

As this New Year begins I start it with a shifted focus, once again back onto the things that have been engraved on my heart; working with children, helping those around me. These things still matter to me and these things are still the things God desires of me. They are still engraved on my heart and are still some of the things that define me as a person. I haven't been placed on the second string, but I have been lead down the road Jesus has called me to be on at this moment. And as much as I don't like it right now, I can say with confidence that I know that this is where I am meant to be.

I choose light; as much as it would be easier for me to choose to quit. I choose to believe that He is with me always, which means even in the pain. I choose to trust that my life, no matter the outcome, no matter how bad the pain gets, that no matter how much I don’t feel like getting up once again, will be lived out fully for Jesus which means getting up every single time. My strength is no longer coming from within myself, it’s coming from Jesus. I’m learning to depend on HIM for EVERYTHING. I can no longer get through the day without Him. I keep trying and it doesn’t work. I attempt to get up and find my own way to get through the day, as my pride gets in the way. I don’t like being dependent and it doesn't come natural to me, that I am unable do something for myself.

And all this has turned into a battle within me, what my mind tells me that I should be able to fix and what my heart tells me to let go and allow God's will to run freely within my life. As I dig into God's word, and press into the Truths I have learned I am reminded that God could have chosen to heal me by now, but He has CHOSEN not to. He has the power to do it in an instant, but has decided to allow it. As much as I don't like hearing that and every time someone has tried to say something along those lines I have resisted and claimed that it wasn't fair. I could have chosen not to go to Africa, but I did. I can say that it’s not my fault that I was in an accident, so why do I have to live with all the consequences? I can choose to have a bad attitude about it and continue feeling sorry for myself but that doesn’t get me anywhere. But the truth plain and simply is this: His ways are higher than my ways, and the plans that He has made are good and true.

I was unable to sing worship songs because I didn’t believe in what the words were saying, because there was no way a good God would allow this, there wasn’t any way a God of healing would allow such pain, there was no way a just God could allow something so unfair to happen. It took a lot of pain, anger and misunderstandings to get me to this point. It took a friend listening to these frustrations to make me realize where my heart was focused and how my eyes had been gazing not into the eyes of Jesus, but into this hole I had created around me.

So as I turn this next corner completely focused on Jesus I am able to once again listen to worship music and believe the words they say, I am able once again to believe that I am a loved daughter of Christ. Because when all that is within me is living for Christ and all my being is completely determined to bring glory to God, my pain changes. My pain becomes just another item that I can check off overcoming with the help of a magnificent Saviour. My pain is no longer considered my pain... It’s left at the foot of the cross.

Pain.

It's been one of those weeks...

I have felt really drained lately... Just feeling sick of being tired and just plain tired of feeling sore. I thought that I would have been healed by now, but I'm not. I thought that my headaches would have lessened, but lately they seem worse. I thought that I could pretend that everything was alright, but it's not. I lately have lost the drive to get up and keep fighting every day. It seems as though the harder I try not to let this affect me the more it really has. I quickly lose sight of the miracle that happened that day. The fight that I've been fighting seems more and more un-winnable.

My pain isn't on the outside in the form of scars, bandages or broken limbs. I've quickly realized that also my strength isn't on the outside in the form of muscles, knowledge or abilities. As I pour all my energy into pretending I am alright, I realize that my energy needs to be focused on the One who really matters: God.

I’m running to your arms, I’m running to your arms.
The riches of your love will always be enough.
Nothing compares to your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

Into His arms once again I race. I am reminded that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. Though I am not particularly comfortable at the moment, I am still confident in His flawless plan and though I go through pain daily, I know I am LOVED beyond compare. And that is where I find my comfort.

“Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit ho has been given to us.”
Romans 5:2-5

I need to remember that I am adored by Him. I need to be reminded that I am cherished by Him. I need to keep in mind that I have been chosen by Him. I need to recognize that I am the apple of His eye. I need to understand that I am a daughter of light. I need to acknowledge that I am of VALUE to Him.

Unconditional Love

You are my shelter when strength is gone

You are my refuge when pain holds on

And my soul finds strength in You oh God.

I have been able to comprehend more and more every day that God is indeed my refuge, He without a doubt is my shelter and in Him alone my soul is satisfied.

As I relinquish my rights and continue on this daily process of dying to myself, I have renewed confidence that once something is brought to the foot of the Cross, it is no longer my burden, and it rests completely in the hands of our loving father. I am encouraged by His example that we indeed are able to overcome the sufferings of this world and we WILL be given the strength to do so in His name.

A communist officer told a Christian he was beating, "I am almighty, as you claim your God to be. I can kill you." The Christian answered, "The power is all on my side. I can love you while you torture me to death."

These are the examples that go before us. The example of Christ Himself... taking the weight of our sins upon Himself. The example of a fellow believer who completely understood what the love of Christ is. And also the example of countless others who truly lived their lives in submission to Christ, who completely understood the meaning of loving others the way we ourselves have been loved.

I am challenged this evening to do the same. First of all, to actually allow His love to surround me, become me and overflow within me. And secondly that I'd be able to pour that love back out to others: no matter who, no matter what the situation.

This is my prayer tonight, to become like Jesus, and do as He did. My prayer is that I will truly understand the meaning of unconditional love.

Simply do it.

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

I realize how I've lived my life in differently in different situations. It's easy for me to live out a life of love to my friends, it's easy for me to have a servant heart when I am overseas. When I am overseas it is effortless for me to understand what it means to pray without ceasing. It is clear for me to grasp that I need to ask God constantly throughout the day who He wants me to talk to and what exactly He wants me to do.

I didn't do things because I wanted recognition. I did them simply because God wanted me to. I didn't care if people noticed that I had just done the dishes for three hours by myself, I knew that God had called me there to be a servant and it was treasures in Heaven that I was working towards. It was pretty straightforward that when God said do something I did it for Him as a shining light, and I did it to the best of my ability.

And I feel my heart being tugged to do the same thing here. And I am feeling challenged to do without a fuss, and without complaining that it is too hard. But just to simply do it.

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the World of Truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

I humbly accept what God's will is for my life today. I respectfully ask for the strength to do it. I pray that my eyes don't leave Him, even for a moment so that His Kingdom may be furthered.

God Raises the Level of Impossible..

It's been five months today.

"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told. "
Habakkuk 1:5

"My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." John 17:15

"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;let them ever sing for joy,and spread your protection over them,that those who love your name may exult you." Psalm 5:11

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes." Ephesians 6:11

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

There were so many things that could have gone wrong in the accident. The Almighty God preserved my life. He declared that he had a specific purpose for my life and He wasn't finished with me quite yet.

God's calling was clear. His plan remains flawless. And my love toward Him deepens.

Look at these:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:24

"Learn to do good; seek justice. Correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." Isaiah 1:17

Look at this smile... it was COMPLETELY worth it!!

"I want you to know brothers, what has happened to me has really served to advance the Gospel." Philippians 1:12