MY HONEST DECLARATION

“God allows the storm to prove He is the only shelter.”

I don't want these to just be words typed out onto a computer screen. I don't want these to be empty words I talk to people about. And I DON'T want these to be exhausted words that I pretend to declare.

These words truly come from my heart this evening....

I want, no I NEED to be SAVED by Jesus! I NEED Him in my life, I NEED Him to TRANSFORM my life. I am no longer satisfied from living a half life. Walking in partial freedom. Pretending that my head is held high.

Because I KNOW I'm too good for that. I KNOW that my God is stronger. I KNOW that my God has claimed VICTORY... so why except a loss?

I have come to realize throughout the years that this is a process that it isn't going to happen overnight. But tonight is the night I start living it out. I start to have God's goodness poured over me; I start soaking into His words and tonight is the night where the line becomes blurred of who I am and where Jesus begins. It is my heart's DESIRE for these things to become a reality.

Tonight I come to the feet of my Father willing to endure what He calls me to. Praying not for a lighter load but a stronger back. Accepting God’s plan as flawless.

This is my journey... It's been messy and I wish I could change a thing or two, but it's God's... which means it's PERFECTION.

“Patience is: trusting God to solve your problem, without setting a deadline for Him to do it.”

"Live simply, so that others can simply live."

“Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.”

I realize much of what I did in Africa has been overshadowed by the accident. First thing people want to know is everything about the crash and the aftermath of that. I think it's time to shed light on the WONDERFUL things we did before. I have this particular story to share today...

Growing up I always remember Mother Teresa being my hero. I remember reading books about her and saying that I wanted to change the world when I grew up. I remember reading about her ministry and how she chose to help the poorest of the poor.

We had the privilege of going to the Mother Teresa home in Addis Ababa. We got to witness there first hand children with disabilities, AIDS patients, TB patients, street women who had recently given birth that were given a place to stay for the first four months so that the babies at least had a chance to survive, we saw leprosy patients, the elderly who no one wanted to care for, and many lost and lonely people. We were able to visit the dying rooms and got to pray with people who only had a few days left to live. It was then I finally realized the true meaning of Mother Teresa’s ministry.

Her ministry wasn’t only to these people because they didn’t have anything. She understood their deepest issue. She distinguished their deepest need. She interpreted the greatest gift that she could give them. And that was LOVE. It was caring for them; it was accepting them for who they are; with their flaws and imperfections, with the smell and the tattered clothes, with poverty and with their untouchable diseases. It was loving them unconditionally with God’s heart which was such a contrast from the rest of the world. It was tending to their needs when society had said we want nothing to do with you. It was treasuring them; it was nurturing them like a loving mother. It was respecting them enough to take the time to notice them; to say “hello, how are you doing.” This was her greatest ministry: Loving the unloved.

I got to be a part of this great ministry. Though I was only there for a day, I got the opportunity to love these people. I got the chance to make a difference it someone’s life. We were able to go through this home and pray for people. To give them hugs and shake their hands and tell them that God loved them EXACTLY the way that they were. He fearfully and wonderfully created them EXACTLY the way they were. It was life changing. It was such an honour to be able to care about these people unconditionally.

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.”

Humbled. Loved. Adored. Cherished. Awed.

Dear God,

I have traveled around the world and back for You. Under Your name I have seen great and mighty things. I have seen magnificent wonders made both my man and the Hand of God. I have witnessed first hand what most people read about in books and see in movies. I have come to realize Your heart for this broken world and I see the soft spots that Your heart longs for and that Your soul aches for. My prayer today is that to the ends of the earth, to the highest nomad villages to the deepest underground churches that Your glory will be KNOWN, that Your majesty will REIGN and Your love will OVERFLOW. It is my prayer that as You have shown me and made me knowledgeable in things like starving children, brothels, homeless families, epidemics and all those lost and lonely people, that You will also show me how You desire to use me. That You will show me MY part in the solution. That You will bring to my mind how YOU intend fix this. That along the way You will remind me that You are ALMIGHTY and are able to redeem all things. I know that You're enough, that You're enough to REPAIR the broken no matter what we've been through. Please guide me and give me strength and abilities to fufill your will in my life.

I desire to be Your sample here on earth.

With GREAT love,

Your HUMBLED daughter.

Your ways are higher than my ways.

"Your ways are higher than our ways, and the plans you have made are good and true. If you call us to the fire, you will not withdraw your hand, we'll gaze into the flames and look for you."

I don't like to learn hard lessons. I don't like learning from my own mistakes. I don't like to learn from going through struggles.... But I know that they refine me. I know that they are what transform my bad habits and I know they teach me in a way that lasts.

At the end of the day I know whose throne I bow before, and whose feet I humbly kneel before. I know whose heart loves me unconditionally and whose hands I choose to place my own heart into. I know who knows MUCH more than I do and only has my best interests in mind.

"Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident." Psalm 27:3

Damaged at best.

"I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out., I'm falling apart... I'm barley breathing, with a broken heart, that is still beating. In the pain... is there healing? In your name, I find meaning."

I DECLARE I NEED His help!!

I came home tonight completely convicted, broken and my back THROBBING in pain.

I realize now, how I thought that I had confidence, confidence in what I believed, confidence that I could do it. Tonight I see how quickly this confidence has turned into arrogance.

Tonight I am on my knees, arms wide open. DECLARING I NEED HIS HELP! Declaring that I am completely broken. Declaring I am empty and NEED to be filled once again with Him. Declaring that I need to stop PRETENDING everything is alright and that I need to take DOWN these high, high walls I've built all around me.

I claim that I have done all that I can... and I CAN'T do it on my own... I've come to the end of everything that I've got. There isn't any of me left. My cracks are too wide for me to keep going the way that I've been going, they NEED to be repaired. They need to be filled with a incomprehensible love. My heart has been torn too many times that I can't revive it. It needs to be put into the overflowing hands of grace of my merciful Saviour. My soul has been exhausted and completely worn out. It needs to be rejuvenated by the Lord Almighty. And my hope needs to be replenished by the Hope of the Nations.

Tonight I realized how completely broken I am.

I'm damaged at best. And tonight I DECLARE that unashamed...

Tonight it is the honest cry of my humbled heart that God will just come down and REIGN in my life. That He will take CONTROL over my life, and that I'll be humble enough to allow HIM to do it!

Give me life again... because I just want to be whole.

"So I'm holding on, I'm barely holding onto you. I'm hanging on, another day, just to see what, you'll throw my way... I'm hanging on, to the words you say, you said that I will, I will be okay."

Proclaiming Confidence.

These past weeks have been a little overwhelming for me. I've started a new chapter in my life and not only am I in an entire new situation but I've felt as though I've started off on the wrong foot.

During this time though, I've learned how to cry out to Jesus. To make known to Him my hurts, my pains, my struggles. I realize that He UNDERSTANDS my struggles, He is able to DISCERN my feelings and He can RECOGNIZE what needs to change.

It makes it a lot easier on me. It's load off of when I know that someone else understands exactly what I'm going through. And not only does He understand what I am going through but He KNOWS the solution. He knows how to get my hopes up once again and He knows EXACTLY how to bring my eyes onto Him again. I have been VERY grateful that when those thoughts creep in that I'm not good enough He PROCLAIMS that I am. He DECLARES to me that His blood was enough.

It's time that I walk in that once again. Stop walking with my head down, saying the world has beaten me. I am a loser, but not in that way. I have lost my life in order to gain it. I am a winner, I don't need anything of this world and pain in this world can no longer hold me down. I will SHOW you that Christ's blood is enough. I will walk in CONFIDENCE that I truly do BELIEVE these things not only in my head but in my heart.

Today is the day! Today is the day I remember to hold my head high because my Father has conquered the grave and beaten death.

"For the LORD is your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught."

Proverbs 6:26

That`s what faith can do.

Jesus NEVER changes.

His love remains throughout the ages.

Though I have such pain,

I am confident it won`t remain

I declare Jesus blood is enough

Even when though the times get rough.

No matter what happens in my life

His word touches me as a knife.

I will remain faithful to you

In absolutely everything I do

Through all this pretending

I trust you no matter what the ending

As I shift my focus back to you

I am confident you`ll carry me through.

As I look around at this mess

I’m reminded of your faithfulness.

I cast onto you all my sorrow

And will do so again tomorrow.

In awe of you I stand still

Knowing I`m in the center of your will. ‘

I look around and notice the sun

Once again into your arms I run

I lost sight of how much you loved me

And how your blood has set me free.

Your love is completely abundant

And everything else becomes redundant.

Jesus you are worthy to be praised

And the reason today my head is raised.