Remember This.

Working on this tonight.

Believing in these promises.

Allowing them to sink deep into my heart.

Praying that they'll become TRUTH in my life.

And that I'll be able to live out my life accordingly.

Venting.

I don't know how I'm feeling...

How about we start there?

I just want to scream, cry... just shout out my struggles, my pains, my hurts, my heartaches, my questions, my deepest desires, my thoughts, my anxieties, my innermost secrets, my grief, my burdens, my joys, my anger and just everything that I've held onto for so long.

My insides are bursting out with everything that I haven't been able to verbalize. With all of these jumbled up, and cramped up emotions. My head has been swirling for far too long.

I don't even know where I stand right now.

There are moments where I feel like I'm standing hand in hand with God completely in sync with Him and there are moments where I feel like I'm in the deepest parts of the ocean, the thickest parts of the forest so far away, just left alone to deal with the weight of the world that rests upon my shoulders.

I go through extremes way to fast. From being completely content to completely overwhelmed.

I have decisions to make, but I can't even decide how I am feeling right now. I have big things to accomplish, but I can't even accomplish simple tasks because I'm so overwhelmed with life. Life is happening all around me, but I feel like I'm stuck, stuck in this point of middle ground. Ready to move, but unsure of where to even begin.

I don't know where to begin. With so much going on in my life, I don't know where to start. I try to pray, and get overwhelmed by God. I try to do my devotionals and I get overwhelmed by His ability to pierce my heart. I try to attempt to explain my struggles with a friend but I get overwhelmed with not being able to explain this huge burden I am carrying with me.

I just need someone to understand.

Maybe I just need to grasp the understanding of God.

I need to embrace Jesus.

But I don't know how...

I'm stuck in this place between, and I don't know how to get out. I know that how I've been living isn't enough, it's not what God's called me to do. I've got more potential than this.

But I'm stuck.

I need the love and grace of God to wash over me.

"But let him to boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:24

I need someone to care.

I need someone to tell me that I can get through this.

I need help getting out of this middle ground.

I need to feel wanted.

I need to be embraced.

I need encouragement.

I need to be loved unconditionally.

I need to feel adored.

I know God won't relent until He has it all. So I continue on this journey. On yet another tough path but through all this confusion still knowing that He is Lord.

Jesus is my everything.

Former things.

Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon her; she will bring fourth justice to the nations. She will not cry aloud or lift up her voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed she will not break, and a faintly burning wick she will not quench; she will faithfully bring forth justice. She will not grow faint or be discouraged until she has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for her law. Thus says God, the Lord, who created the heavens and stretched them out, Who spread out the earth and whatcomes from it, Who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it:"I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the Lord; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols. Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them."

Isaiah 42:1-9

Lord I am here humbled before you once more. I again have nothing to give, but offer up everything that I have left. You have designed every single aspect of my life and you know exactly when healing comes, you know exactly the moment it begins. Keep hold of my hand as you have promised. Take me along for this journey ahead of me. I am willing, I am wanting, I am ready. I desire to be a light for the nations. I am declaring with you Lord that the old things have come to past. I feel ready again Lord to take on the world under your name. I feel inspired to live up to your expectations once again. Thank you for your love that you have provided so abundantly.

Weakness.

I hope you will find out that we have not failed the test. But we pray to God that you may not do wrong-- not that we may appear to have met the test, but that you may do what is right, though we may seem to have failed. For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for."

2 Corinthians 13:6-9

Praying for restoration in my life and asking for a change in my heart regarding weakness. Because though I am weak He is STRONG. I needed to be reminded of that today.

His purpose.

But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.

Exodus 9:16

Proclaiming His promise of a purpose for my life today. Understanding that I am part of a plan that He has personally laid out before me.Trusting in His will, and that He has assured me that He will make my path straight. Today I am declaring that I no longer want to control my life, because that obviously hasn't worked. I desire for Him to take over complete control of my life once again, for all the shots to be called by Him, every decision based on His Word and all thoughts centred on Him.

He is calling me.

So turn around, you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late, you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the One who's strong, can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears, dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl.

Overwhelmed.

It was one of those days today.

One of those days where I had, had enough. Where my pain had become overwhelming. I knew that He promised that He wouldn't give me more than I could handle... but He must have made a mistake: because there was no way I could handle the pain that I was in today.

Most days I can cope. I can look beyond my pain and see Jesus. I see Him suffering and realize that my pain had already been paid for. I can push the pain aside and continue on with normal life.

Today I couldn't. I was hurting. My entire back was throbbing and my headache was unbearable. I couldn't look past my own pain, I couldn't focus on anything else but it. It became all consuming and I lost sight of the Lord.

At church tonight, I kept saying No. I didn't want to be open to the Holy Spirit. I wasn't ready to be filled once again. I resisted the love that I knew that was being showered down all around me. I stood back from the worship of the good and mighty God... But it didn't work. He overwhelmed me. He overwhelmed me with a love that cannot be described. A flood came pouring over me and filled every single crack that had formed within me. I felt Him touch me, love me and tell me that He cared so much about me. He told me that my pain wasn't my pain, that He wanted it, that He was taking it, and as a matter of fact, He had already dealt with it.

It had been one of those overwhelming days, but it ended with overwhelming love.