Trust.

Asking God to change your circumstances? He may be using your circumstances to change you.

Trusting in the Lord today.

Trusting He knows what is right.

Trusting He understands my struggles, pains and situations.

Trusting in His Sovereignty.

Trusting in his unending grace and unconditional love.

Trusting He'll get me through it.

Trusting in His strength.

Trusting that He is ABLE!

"O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me."

Pslam 25:2

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."

Pslam 37:5

A Beautiful Picture.

Don't try to hide your scars, they're stories for a hurting world of wounds only Jesus can heal.

Yesterday I broke through that wall of justification I had built for my actions and watched it collapse around me. I saw that imaginary sense of what I was doing being okay, fly straight through the door. I fell and I fell hard. Last night all I could focus on was my failings and that knot that had built up in my stomach, which was there from the people that I had hurt. It had taken over my entire thought process. I saw the ruins around me. I saw the mess around me and myself in the middle of the shambles. I witnessed the mountains of lies I had convinced myself of. I looked down into the valleys of shame that I had allowed myself to dive into. I gazed upon the dark clouds of shame that were looming over me. The waves of the vast ocean full of the flaws of my life were splashing over me. The destruction around me was unbearable.

The eyes of my heart had been opened. But they had failed to notice the most important feature of this picture. The Figure walking triumphantly towards me. Something Marvellous that was leaving behind a vibrant streak of colour behind Him, ever since the first moment He had entered into the picture. As He walked towards me the mountains of lies violently came crashing down and the valleys turned into luscious green pastures. The skies gloriously opened up. Flowers sprouted and celebrated the arrival of the King.My eyes had never seen anything so brilliant in my life. Though He was still off in the distance His Glory was too much for me to handle: I was thrown to my knees in adoration.

I saw His face. It was that same welcoming face that had welcomed me back again and again before. He gently picked me up off of my knees. Wiped the tears from my eyes and brushed off the dirt and filth off my body. He grabbed ahold of me and embraced me like I've never been hugged before. In a moment that seemed to last for eternity, I saw The Cross, I saw Him say "It is finished," I saw my sin dissolve and fade away to nothing. I felt the waves of grace washing over me, and not only did I feel grace I accepted the grace that He had given to me. I then heard Him whisper ever so gently, but with all the authority of heaven and earth, into my ear: "Nikita, you are Mine. You are insanely beautiful and I treasure you more than ANYTHING in this world."

In that instant, I knew that I had fallen away, but I had finally grasped the fact that Jesus had been there the entire time. Calling out to me, longing once again to be joined in this beautiful embrace as we finally were once again. He ached for me; that I would just turn ever so slightly and notice Him there yearning for me to return to Him. I was more than my hurts and pains that I was going through, I was a beloved daughter of His. No matter what I had done, it was nothing in the shadow of the cross. It had been dealt with and it was gone, my only job was to accept it.

Falling...

"Lord, You know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them."

Psalm 10:17

I messed up. I have finally come to realize that. I have been living a life that I had justified in my own eyes.

I have been too closely wrapped up in life around me. I've had extreme tunnel vision. My vision has been of a life where only I mattered. Where what I wanted came first, and what I wanted to do was more important than the foundations that I've built my life upon. Who I hurt didn't matter, because I only did what brought me the most pleasure. I have been selfish and didn't care about consequences, because I thought to myself... I could be doing worse. My morals and my entire worldview shifted. First in my mind was no longer what would Jesus have me do, but it was what can I do next to make myself happy?

I fell flat on my face. I finally found the strength to pick myself up and go to church. I opened my eyes and looked around me. There was nothing. I looked up and realized how deep down into the hole I was. My eyes and heart were opened to the damage I've caused myself. I saw my relationship with the Lord growing more and more distant and my relationship with the world becoming more and more intimate.

That is where I am left at this moment. At the bottom of a hole, completely vulnerable. Opening up and screaming from the bottom saying I NEED HELP. I NEED THE LORD MORE THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. Feeling scared, because I didn't even realize how deep down I was in this hole. I feel helpless: stuck at the bottom of a hole with the walls slowly caving in.

But my heart clings onto the promise of this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who spirits are crushed."

Psalm 34:18

One Year

A year ago today my life was changed forever. It was one of those moments that define you, that put your true character to the test. I was in what the world would consider an accident. But today one year after the event I am able to say that this was no accident, it was an event that happened under complete control of the hands of God.

Today I am looking past the pain that I feel. The emotional impact the accident had on me and going to the Source and simply saying thank-you for Your grace and mercy and thank-you for Your unending love.

My life truly did change a year ago, when once again a storm was brought into my life and God was there calling to me: I am your shelter the One you can take refuge in.

Feelings.

I haven't written a post in a really, really long time.

When asked why today by a friend, I couldn't answer why. There is no real good reason. I think it's been because I just can't seem to put into words exactly how I am feeling or exactly how I am processing the things that are happening in my life right now.

I'm completely fed up with being in pain, but I'm coping. I'm struggling with seeing God in the midst of all this, but I see Him doing wonders in my life. I don't understand why this has happened in my life, but I still believe without a doubt that God is with me every single step of the way. I feel like I don't have the strength to continue on, but I know that He provides strength for the day. I feel completely lost, but I also am able to get completely lost in His Word. He seems so far away, yet I am overwhelmed by His love for me. I lose sight of the fact that God is still good, even though my pain isn't good. I get frustrated that nobody understands my pain, but I have a Saviour who knows EXACTLY how I feel.

So, I come before the Lord once again. Completely humbled. Heart completely abandoned. Unable to express my feelings, but knowing that He knows. Coming to Him with my frustrations and hurts. Coming to Him with complete confidence in His promises. Wholly dependent on Him with everything that I have left.

Trusting..

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on you own understanding, in all your ways sumbit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting in Him tonight. Praying for guidance, and believing in His plan.

New Year, New Motivations

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions.

The start of a new year always brings out new goals, new dreams and new motivations.

I spent the last six months feeling like I've been placed onto the second string team; that I had to wait until I felt better to be able to make a difference. I not only lost my drive, but my hopes, dreams and desires shifted to healing and myself.

As this New Year begins I start it with a shifted focus, once again back onto the things that have been engraved on my heart; working with children, helping those around me. These things still matter to me and these things are still the things God desires of me. They are still engraved on my heart and are still some of the things that define me as a person. I haven't been placed on the second string, but I have been lead down the road Jesus has called me to be on at this moment. And as much as I don't like it right now, I can say with confidence that I know that this is where I am meant to be.

I choose light; as much as it would be easier for me to choose to quit. I choose to believe that He is with me always, which means even in the pain. I choose to trust that my life, no matter the outcome, no matter how bad the pain gets, that no matter how much I don’t feel like getting up once again, will be lived out fully for Jesus which means getting up every single time. My strength is no longer coming from within myself, it’s coming from Jesus. I’m learning to depend on HIM for EVERYTHING. I can no longer get through the day without Him. I keep trying and it doesn’t work. I attempt to get up and find my own way to get through the day, as my pride gets in the way. I don’t like being dependent and it doesn't come natural to me, that I am unable do something for myself.

And all this has turned into a battle within me, what my mind tells me that I should be able to fix and what my heart tells me to let go and allow God's will to run freely within my life. As I dig into God's word, and press into the Truths I have learned I am reminded that God could have chosen to heal me by now, but He has CHOSEN not to. He has the power to do it in an instant, but has decided to allow it. As much as I don't like hearing that and every time someone has tried to say something along those lines I have resisted and claimed that it wasn't fair. I could have chosen not to go to Africa, but I did. I can say that it’s not my fault that I was in an accident, so why do I have to live with all the consequences? I can choose to have a bad attitude about it and continue feeling sorry for myself but that doesn’t get me anywhere. But the truth plain and simply is this: His ways are higher than my ways, and the plans that He has made are good and true.

I was unable to sing worship songs because I didn’t believe in what the words were saying, because there was no way a good God would allow this, there wasn’t any way a God of healing would allow such pain, there was no way a just God could allow something so unfair to happen. It took a lot of pain, anger and misunderstandings to get me to this point. It took a friend listening to these frustrations to make me realize where my heart was focused and how my eyes had been gazing not into the eyes of Jesus, but into this hole I had created around me.

So as I turn this next corner completely focused on Jesus I am able to once again listen to worship music and believe the words they say, I am able once again to believe that I am a loved daughter of Christ. Because when all that is within me is living for Christ and all my being is completely determined to bring glory to God, my pain changes. My pain becomes just another item that I can check off overcoming with the help of a magnificent Saviour. My pain is no longer considered my pain... It’s left at the foot of the cross.