Clouds.

"And provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendour."

Isaiah 61:3

Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty. 

I was driving today. It was early in the morning and I wasn't looking forward to the day ahead. As I looked out; I saw the pain my day was to be filled with. I contemplated the stresses of the day and I focused on the heartache and trouble that just were laying in wait for me.  

Then my eyes caught a glimpse of something. It wasn't the sunshine but the clouds that caught my eye. Splendorous, magnificent colours radiating from and around the clouds. Vibrant blues and glorious purples. The glory rays shone down making the reaching hand of God visible to the naked eye. I caught a peak of heaven. Nothing that can be described except for a landscape painted by the very had of God. 

In this moment I got a glance into the mind of God. For a brief second I took in the very breathe of God and had complete clarity. An instant flash where time stood still and life made perfect sense. I saw clearly the picture He had broadcasted in the skies for me on this humble morning. 

Without those clouds, without those dark spots in the sky there would be no way to show off the majesty of the heavens. A clear blue sky wouldn't have reflected the colours of God that brilliantly. Without those blemishes in the flawless blue skies the beauty wouldn't have been showcasing the magnificence that God was fully capable of declaring. 

God revealed to me the picture of my own life. The vibrant colours of red, green, pink and purple. The spectacular shades of orange and splashes of yellow. An image too wonderful for my own eyes. A display that even the angels stopped to view its brilliance. 

He zoomed into the dazzling display. I saw moments of my life presented as fabulous colours and miraculous shapes. The twinkles that shimmered the brightest, where the most glory was blazing from caught my attention. It wasn't the times were I was the happiest nor even when I felt the most loved. It was those moments where God seemed the furthest, but I cried out for Him the loudest. The times where I was hurting beyond compare but still searched for His face. The sleepless nights when the last thing I wanted to do was trust in His almighty plan, but did so anyway. It was the moments in the story where I praised Him in the storm that gleamed the brightest in this panoramic manifestation of my life.  

It was in this brief moment of clarity where my life was made complete, where I felt alive and whole. I realized that those moments that I had considered black marks; that I wished to erase, those were the moments where the heavens sang along with me. I noticed that the times that I seemed so lost and confused, demanding comfort from the Lord is when the angels came in a helped paint the picture. It was those whispers of faith and trust in my scariest moments that popped from the painting. It was those times where I said Lord I want to give up because I have nothing left, but I will come before Your throne one last time that shimmered so intensely with colour I knew that the Father Himself must have done His finest work to paint it.

It changed me. It refined me. I gave me a new outlook on the picture of my life that I thought I knew so well. I got the immense privilege to see it through the eyes of the Lord and it wrecked me. Wrecked me from my old way of thinking; my prideful ways of despising the dark shadowy moments of my life. I saw these moments how God viewed them: a battle valiantly fought in the heavenlies. A victory over Satan and a conqueror under Jesus' name. I realized finally, that God noticed the fight I was fighting. Not only did He notice it, but He was proud of the warrior I had become. 

My entire story written in the heavens, exposed for the world to see and His voice proclaiming that He was well pleased in His daughter is what I saw today. I say once again, thank you Lord for opening my eyes and ears it is a privilege to call you my Father. 

"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the House of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple."

Psalm 27:4

"Splendour and majesty are before him; strength and beauty are in his sanctuary."

Psalm 96:6

You Deserve Praise

Pass me not, oh gentle Saviour

Lord and hear my humble prayer

'Cause all that I have ever wanted

was a Father Who'd attend to me because He cares

You called me out of the dark

You called me into Your arms

Lord I will walk

Lord I will run

Lord I will hold to the heart of my God

See I'm standing tall

And I lift You up

I'm standing firm in the grip of my God

Lord, and I'm giving You all that I've got

You deserve my praise

Every gift You give is goodness

Lord Your mercy's new each day

So I have come to praise the one and only Father

I am captivated by Your ways

Words.

God take these words and remove them from me. Replace these words, these wounds. Break these strongholds. Take them away, wash me white again, cover me in Your blood. 

Pain, emptiness, misunderstanding, hurt, rejection, delusion, distrust, wounds, hatred, disunity, frustration, brokenness, lies, heartache, death, mistakes, cuts, confusion, terror, anxiety, depression, loneliness, worry, scars, damage, tears. 

Fill in the gaps and my cracks with these words. Place me on the foundations of these. Allow the truth of these words seep through my soul. That I will not just hear these words, but they will be believed in my heart. Satisfy my thirst with these words. Make them my everything. 

Wholeness, love, trust, unity, awakening, peace, affection, direction, purpose, understanding, kindness, renewal, strength, witness, recovery, victory, adoration, majesty, devotion, friendship, reconciliation, covenant, safety, revival, strong tower, holy, child of God, promise, rescue, courage, complete. 

Promise me that You'll continually speak them over me for eternity. 

Overcome.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"No in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37

His Arms Wrapped Around Me.

I sat during worship. 

Feeling like I was unloved. Not feeling that sense of purpose and life that I once did. I sat there in the middle of people surrendered, people shouting praises, people feeling the tangible love of Christ. I sat there not feeling like joining in on the singing. I sat there not feeling the satisfaction that I felt like I deserved feeling. I sat there not even feeling like being there. I sat there feeling alone and abandoned by everyone. I sat there completely empty. 

And then He touched me. The Holy Spirit. I told Him that if He wanted this sense of hopelessness to fade that something needed to be done and it needed to be done in a big way. And He kindly responded when I wanted it the least. 

I felt His arms wrap around me tightly. I felt the warmth of His touch. It angered me. I had asked for this touch for so many days, so many weeks and so many months, but He had withheld it from me. I had begged for this touch, this feeling, this comfort for hours on end, during sleepless nights, hopeless moments of insanity and numerous other desperate flashes of time. But He had kept it from me. He had concealed it. 

But there I sat with His arms wrapped tightly around me. 

I sat there empty and those arms just kept holding me tighter. Anger turned into frustration. I didn't want this anymore. I didn't ask for this to happen at this moment. I had longed for it before, but today, today I was content with the distance. I had ached with my entirety for this feeling before, but now I told myself-- told my heart and my soul that I had given up hope. I had renounced my title as a Daughter of the King and held up high my white flag of surrender. The battle was over, the battle wasn't going to be fought anymore. I didn't care. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want this so called privilege of suffering. I had given up completely with no strength of expectation, no thought of ambition to achieve anything further, no faith or confidence in anything. 

But still, those arms wrapped around me. 

Frustration turned into begging. I SCREAMED out to Him. I shouted for Him to release me from His hands. Cried for Him to just let me give up, let me stop fighting, JUST LET ME GIVE UP. I cried over and over and over again still, PLEASE just let me give up. 

Yet still, those arms wrapped around me. 

They didn't even let up for a second with all my shouting and feelings of hatred. No matter how much louder I screamed, how much more I resented the hands that were holding me. He remained steadfast. He could take it. He could withstand my insecurities. He could bear my true feelings without getting His own hurt. He could endure the weight of my heavy heart's deepest feelings. 

He kept His arms wrapped around me. 

All That I Can Say

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

Lord didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right no
I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

A moment.

"There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain and no more fears. There will be a day, when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we'll hold onto You always. I know the journey seems so long and you feel you've walked out on your own. But there has never been a step where you've walked out all alone. Troubled soul don't lose your heart, cause the joy and peace He brings and beauty that's in store outweighs the hurt of life's sting. But I hold onto this hope and the promise that He brings that there will be a place with no more suffering."


There are moments in your life in which you can't quite explain. A moment of stillness where you have a glimpse into the future and have unyielding peace. A moment of simply being, where God meets you exactly where you are and you have the ultimate sense of comfort. It's a moment where you can feel the Father's arms wrapped tightly around you. A moment of feeling something greater than yourself, that you are a part of something that matters. These are the moments we thrive off of; the moments that define our intimate relationship with God.


Today I had one of these moments. Where my soul just connected with the Lord and it cried out God's holy name. Where for the first time in a very long time I yearned for God with my entire being. When I reached out for more of God, as if that was all I would ever need. That His Presence was completely enough and It truly did satisfy my every need. My worries, problems and anxieties seemed to fade and in the shadow of the cross I was given complete relief from them. I was a new person. I was who Christ wanted me to be. I saw myself living wholly and free from the chains that I have been dragging around with me. I was able to breathe Him in without hesitation. I grasped the full victory that was waiting for me  that God had destined me for. I was confident for the first time that I could once again become the person God created me to be. 


It only takes a moment: a very real moment, a very small moment, a moment of clarity among the chaos of battle. This time it came the moment I decided to give up the battle, that it wasn't worth it. I had already lost everything. There was no longer a point of fighting. After yet another long sleepless night... God spoke, His presence was with me, His comfort was tangible and His warmth surrounded me. It gave me a renewed passion. It reminded me to put on my armour and stand strong because He has called me victorious. It gave me a renewed passion for life and rekindled the dreams that God has placed within me. That burning fire that He placed within me was ignited once again and I was reminded of all the incredible things that we had been through together. Of His saving grace in my life, of Him being my strong tower throughout everything I've gone through these past five years. Of the countless times He has been my refuge and my shelter. The moments of complete fear that I never thought that I'd make it through. He has remained faithful to me. His love has been unwavering. His power has been constant. His grace is steadfast. He has been the most dependable and faithful Presence in my life and He's proved these qualities to me again and again. 


I am in humbled awe when I am reminded of this unchanging presence that I have failed to see these past several months. My eyes have been opened and my heart released to not see the hurt, pains and struggles of my life, but to see the incredible presence of Jesus in my life. Today I see myself, in full amour, picking up my sword and marching head raised victoriously into battle, into the light that God has called me to and there I will remain until the end of my days. 

Hope.

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Or: a feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment.

Today is a new day. I was encouraged in a way that I haven't been in months. Hope became a relevant word in my life. Hope didn't seem like some far off promise that I would never actually be able to attain. It was something that had been waiting for me in Christ, I just needed to see it. 

Fighting a battle that you feel like you will never be able to win is draining on a person. It pushes you further into a hole. People become disappointed in you and no longer focus on the small victories but the larger war and your downward spiral. They become worried about you and their worry is all you see. They become concerned and you take their concern and turn it into anger that you've in a way failed them. 

This battle that I have been fighting seemed like any other. I thought that I could do it on my own. I thought that I could do it without the help of others. I thought it was like the other battles that I've fought through. This one was different. I didn't care about the outcome. I didn't care that I was hurting myself. I didn't care that I was failing and once I started failing I lost sight that I was actually a winner. I only saw failure and I went into battle without armour because I didn't think that it actually mattered. I knew I was going to fail, I didn't see any other outcome. 

So daily for the past few weeks I started battle off as a loser. I started off thinking of failure instead of the goal ahead. I didn't think of achieving anything, but simply getting through the day. I didn't have confidence in myself but had confidence in the enemy. Fighting was just a waste of energy. Fighting was a waste of time. It was pointless. I was exhausted and had lost all sight of hope. 


I thought that my life had become pointless. That the ministry that God had called me to, the friends, the people, the purpose God had set out before me could no longer be accomplished and these things were no longer relevant to my life. I thought that because I was continually getting into the pattern of being a loser, of being a failure of being worthless that my life had lost all meaning. 


But I am wrong. God has called me to something greater. God has called me to be something greater. To be honest, I don't know if I completely believe it right now. But I have hope. I believe that these events will turn out for the best. That as I overcome my circumstances as I claim victory one step at a time, that this time in my life is a big part of God's redeeming power in my life. That these giants I am facing in my life today will be part of my testimony of God's faithfulness, of God's comfort, of God's strength, of God's unending love, and of God's power in my life. 


I choose today to believe the truth that God has promised me in His word. To say NO to the lies that I have believed as truth. I look to His word and find HOPE and hope is enough. I will make it through this time in my life I truly do believe that now, because I have hope in the One who has overcome the world. 

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him my salvation and my God." 

-Psalm 42:5

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Do not make me the score of the fool!" 

-Psalm 39:7-8

"My soul longs for Your salvation; I hope in Your word. My eyes long for Your promise; I ask, 'When will You comfort me?'"

-Psalm 119:81

"Are you not He, O Lord our God? We set our hope on you, for you do all these things." 

-Jeremiah 14:22

"More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." 

-Romans 5:3-5

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

"Though we speak in this way, yet is your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things--things that belong to salvation. For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for His name in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." 

-Hebrews 6:9-12

One tough day.

Today has been an extremely hard day for me. 


I am faced with yet another defining moment. For the second time in my life I am left in this country while a plane full of my peers leave on an adventure to a far away country that I was supposed to be a part of. 


In many ways I feel like a failure. This is the second time. I was once again not strong enough to fight through my current circumstances and was seen as too weak to get on a plane. A lot of emotions well up inside of me: failure, disappointment and defeat topping the list. The many times where I have seemed to fail are brought to the front of my mind and I ask myself, have I ever been a winner? I ask myself have I not learned from my past mistakes? How did I let myself fall so astray again, when I promised myself last time this happened that it would NEVER happen again? 


I sat ashamed. I sat with my head hanging. I cried. I cried out to the Lord that how could His daughter have become such a failure? I cried for myself and for the decisions that I have made in my life. I mourned what seemed like yet another loss. I grieved embarrassed of what everyone else was going to think. 


As I sought the Lord for His angry words toward me. As I went before Him ready to receive the shame that He would surly give to me. As I dragged myself before Him I was shocked. He was there rejoicing over me. He called me brave. He proclaimed me victorious. He called me His daughter in whom He was well pleased. 


To the contrary to what I believed that I had just done, He was there waiting to congratulate me saying that I had made a step in the RIGHT direction. I had shifted my stance toward Him instead of running from Him. I made a decision for myself, instead of what others had expected from me. I had declared that He was most important, not mere earthly plans that I had created for myself. 


Today I claimed that I am a fighter. That I was going to stay and face my problems instead of shying away from them and taking the easy route out. Today I declared that I am choosing to listen to the Lord and what He has in store for me and TRUSTING that it is FAR BETTER than anything that I could come with for my own life. 


And though this may not make the next few weeks easier, my hope is renewed in the Lord. My urge to fight the good fight is refreshed. I will get up and fight tomorrow morning and the morning after that. My life means something and it's time that I start believing that. My life has value and a purpose its time that I start living that way. 

My plea to the Lord.

Lord, my heart aches. My soul thirsts for You and my body cries out with the little strength it has left and says, 'please God come down to where I am." I don't even know where to begin. I truly have never felt so lost before, so hidden from Your presence and withdrawn from Your love. I strive to feel You in those moments, but instead get lost in the touch of the world. I can't hear Your whispers of reassurance and love, but only the shouts of negativity tearing me down. I cannot feel You near me or even close enough to comfort me, but only feel the cushion of affection and flattery filling my emptiness.

Lord I come to You to search for relief in Your presence. I am praying for Your warmth to fill me from the inside out. I am not sure where I am anymore Lord, not sure of where I stand or what I am doing with my life. In this confusion I have turned away from You and ran as fast as I could into the arms of the world.

Lord, You know how desperately I need You in my life in this moment. Take a hold of me and promise me You'll never let me go. My heart aches. It knows You're there. It feels the love You have given me before. It remembers the way You've held it before and it is reminded of the gentleness of Your touch. The tender way You have come to me again and again without fail to comfort me in my affliction. It is reminded of how You've come and carried me when I am weak and how You've been my strength when I have had nothing left.

Though nothing I have done these past months have made me feel close to You. I am here before You now in realization that I am still Your daughter and am aware that, that means something. I am here asking You to help me. I want to come to You first. I want to, want more of You instead of running even further away. I am here now today asking to You to help me live above my circumstances. I am telling You that I choose You over this world, Lord, You are my one and only choice. I lay here shouting for Your presence to fill my life, I don't know how to set the fire again, or raise the passion that I know lies within my being. But I know that You've just been standing there, pleading, begging and patiently waiting for this moment where I simply ask for You to take the reins of my life once again.

I bring to You my heartache, shame, embarrassment, agony, struggles, guilt, confusion, anger, and the many other things I carry with me. I lay them before you and bare all my soul before You. I ask Lord for an open heart. I don't want to live another second without You, or in a life that does not glorify You in every single way.

But I realize how much of Your help I need. I need Your support as well as those around me Lord. I honestly just want so much of You. I need You to overwhelm me with Your presence so that I know that I can make it up the hill that is set before me. Remind me that I can do this over and over again and then a couple more times after that.

Lord tell me how You see me. Tell me how beautiful You think I am. Remind my heart how precious I am to you. Sing over me the love song You have written for me. Whisper the plans You have for me. Tell me that I am Yours forever and always, yes Lord, tell me I am Yours and remind me that, that is all that matters.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

more beautiful you.

Little girl twenty one.

The things that you've already done.

Anything to get ahead.

You say you've got a man.

But he's got another plan.

Only wants what you will do instead.

Well, little girl twenty one.

You never thought that this would come.

You starve yourself to play the part.

But I can promise you.

There's a man whose love is true.

And he'll treat you like the jewel you are.

There could never be a more beautiful you.

Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops.

They make you jump through.

You were made to fill a purpose.

That only you could do.

So there could never be.

A more beautiful you.

God, please speak this over me again and again and again. Wash it over me and cleanse me. Release my mind from being afraid to hear what You truly think of me. Softly sing over me the love song You have ever so carefully chosen for me. Dance over me rejoicing in the purpose You've created me for. Remind me over and over again and never let me forget it. Embrace me, hold me and promise me You'll always be there. Gently lift my head and tell me I'm beautiful. Take hold of my hand and assure me You'll never let go. Grab my soul and protect it within Your Spirit. Cradle my heart and whisper to me all that You have destined it for. God, simply love me unconditionally and teach me how to do the same.

I am a fighter.

Sometimes I feel like I've been given too much. I pile every up that's going on around me and it overwhelms me.

But I have lost sight of something so crucial; something God told me when I first became a Christian. That I am a FIGHTER. I was built to fight the good fight. I was created by God to be a fighter.

From the first moment I became a Christian I was forced to fight. I didn't understand it back then, I thought that it was normal what I was going through; nightmares, voices and visions. I thought my struggles were something that everyone went through. God's way of teaching me to rely on Him completely. I only knew to trust Him with my childlike faith. I didn't realize how He was making me a fighter.

It was then in Thailand that I learnt that the fight was worth it. I learned that I truly did have a destiny and a passion that God had placed inside of me. That the joy I got serving Him made those sleepless nights, all those things that terrified me daily seem so small compared to this new found joy. It made me want to actually fight, the fight wasn't just for my own survival it was for these children I met and the many more around the world that needed me.

Then later TREK came along. It was going to be a time of refreshment for me. A time when God was going to intervene and I wasn't going to have to fight so hard. Where He'd truly teach me His ways and I'd mature enough in my faith that fighting would become easy. I thought that the knowledge that I would gain during TREK would mean that the fighting was done by God, and all I'd have to do is sit back and allow Him to do it. That wasn't the case. I fought harder than I've ever fought in my life. There was a war for my soul, that was in the height of battle. I fought harder than I ever thought possible and even through that, I was no where near winning. All the fighting that I had done and I was no where near thriving; I was simply surviving.

After TREK training I moved to the downtown Eastside. I thought that the fight would lessen. I was exhausted from the year before. It had been exactly a year since becoming a Christian and in all honestly I was weak. The battle had drained me. But I found life. I found the joy of the Lord in the streets of Vancouver. It gave me drive. It gave me that push that I needed to say YES Lord, you are WORTHY. Yes Lord, I want to remain fighting this battle and I want more than anything to continue serving you in Brasil.

Then it had seemed like I lost the ultimate battle in the war. My team flew off to Brasil without me. I wasn't strong enough to fight after this one. I spent the next weeks in tears. I had fought as hard as I could. There wasn't even an ounce of fight left in me. I had given absolutely everything, I had done exactly what God had asked of me. I surrendered and swallowed my pride and asked for help from others. I did exactly what my leaders asked. I poured my heart and soul into reading His word, memorizing it, declaring it, letting it soak into my heart. And that hadn't been enough. I told God I quit. The fight was over.

My body had quit on me. Exhausted from a year of no sleep and a year filled with such terror that the lines between nightmares and reality are so blurred I can't remember what was a dream and what was real. But my heart beat on. My heart had fallen so passionately in love with God that it wouldn't let my body quit, not when my calling was so great. My heart told me that I needed to move on. That, that destiny that I learnt about in Thailand was real that that passion that I felt on the streets of Vancouver wasn't about to go away anytime soon.

So I fought on. I picked myself up, lifted up my head and raised my banner high. I let my passion lead me. I fought against my family's wishes and applied to YWAM. I fought through many friend's questions if this was really God's timing. I fought my own doubts, anxieties, fears, hesitations and uncertainty. But God told me to keep fighting for Him, to keep fighting for what I was passionate about, to keep fighting for my destiny. I fought up until the moment I landed in Belize.

Finally, it was going to be THIS time: where the fight would cease, and my faith would be simpler. I knew what intense faith training like this entailed, I knew the things that God was going to teach me this time, I knew the struggles I would face so I was more than prepared for this period of easiness in my life. I deserved it and it was finally here. The storm finally was going to be calm. And it couldn't have came at a better time. I had seriously used that last oomph that I had fighting my way to Belize.

But of course, simply said: God has called me to be a fighter. DTS was so much different than TREK training. I was more open, more vulnerable. I let my guard down and surrendered once again. Looking back now it seems that every time I surrendered Satan wanted nothing to do with it and the fight became more intense. My nightmares and voices peaked. But I kept fighting. I knew that it was God's plan, I knew that there could be no other way. I was trapped on this little boat and God had called me to fight.

Then something happened. It was beyond traumatizing, my darkest hour. Had it been my fault? And if it wasn't, then how could a loving God allow this to happen? Especially since I had been fighting so incredibly hard. After that I couldn't fight on, it was debilitating. The shock, the sting, the grief overwhelmed me, and still does to this very day. It wasn't fair. I had been fighting SO hard, I had been making progress, I was on a mission under His name. It just wasn't fair. How could I fight when this had been done to me?The ground that I had conquered in my fight was lost, I was once again brought to the beginning of the battle. I lost faith and gave up the fight once again.

I didn't recover for a long time, I didn't believe that I was meant to fight. Maybe God had called me to fight for a time, but surely there was no way that He could expect me to fight after what happened. I was defeated. But outreach came along. I knew that I was going to have to fight, I'd have no choice. I was no longer in the safety of the bubble of the boats. I prepared myself, not that I really knew what I was doing, but I prepared myself for battle once again. I was built to be a fighter.

Outreach was indeed a fight; filled with tears, heartbreak, loss, exhilaration, passion and joy. Once again the reason behind the fight was revealed. God was my true source and if He asked me to fight, that's exactly what I would do, no questions asked. He asked me to trust Him, I'd simply do it. Things that seemed to difficult to grasp during lecture phase came so easily. The characteristics of God became knowledge in my heart, not just my mind. He encouraged me to keep fighting the good fight.

Outreach was followed by a time of waiting, waiting for His perfect timing. As much as you'd think that this was another time of calm in the storm that I had much needed, it was difficult. Everyone told me to get going, questioned the reasoning behind me still being here. I had to fight for what I knew, I knew that God was in control. So I fought mine and everyone else's doubts and got to India.

The fight was once again heightened during my time in India. I fought thoughts of loneliness and isolation. This was supposed to be like all my times of serving God. Where the passion came easily and the willingness to fight was abundant. It didn't come. It was a conscience decision to get up every single day and fight to stay connected to God so that I could simply face the daily tasks that I was supposed to perform during my time there. I had to learn to fight even when I knew I was in the centre of God's will and it was supposed to be easy.

My time in India came to a close and I craved a time of rest. A moment of peace between battles. I knew that I'd have to fight hard to actually get myself to Africa and once I was there there fight wouldn't cease but just increase. So the war waged on and the fighting continued.

Then the accident happened: I fell off a cliff. It was yet another life changing moment. I faced the type of battle that I hadn't fought before: chronic pain. I felt helpless. There wasn't anything I could do, in that moment I couldn't even move my own body, how did God expect me to fight through this one? But I knew one thing for sure, my life should have been taken that afternoon, but God's mighty hand saved me from death. I would have to fight, I couldn't give up on Him, not after what He just did. Not after He declared that my life absolutely meant something to Him. So I decided that I was going to fight. I was going to fight through the pain. I didn't know how I'd do it. The pain was overwhelming; every single bruise, cut and muscle in my body ached and burned. But my heart felt the burning of God's love for me. So I declared to Him that I would be a fighter.

The following year, of course, I was forced to fight. Fight to simply get up in the morning and fight to fall asleep at night knowing that I'd have to face the pain all over again the next morning. The fight became wearing, it became all encompassing. I had to learn to fight for every single little thing, because it seemed that every little thing that I did was difficult. The fight slowly became more and more draining until I was completely drained. Unable to fight past the constant pain and unable to find a reason to keep fighting. The days dragged on and nothing seemed to change. I decided I didn't want to fight anymore. Maybe I wasn't a fighter.

And yet another year came. I was forced to renounce my title as a fighter. I hadn't done anything special. I was simply surviving. But I remember so clearly, one defeated day, God whispered to me: 'Nikita, I have created you to fight the good fight. I am so proud of you for what you have done so far. But now, I need you to lift up your chin, take My hand and let's continue fighting.' And in an instant I was once again a fighter.

The war has now brought me to Mexico: running away from the draining fight of similar unproductive days that dragged on day after day. God called me to fight here in Mexico. Fight for my identity, fight for my purity, fight to stand for what I believe in.

As I spent my day today thinking of the journey that God has brought me on I can't even deny a little bit that I am not only a fighter, but a conquerer in Christ. I have fought my way through battles that at the moment I thought I couldn't even begin to imagine that I'd get out of. Why is what I am facing today any different?

I am a fighter, so I am going to stand in Christ and fight.

Tears.

“...you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.”
― Lemony Snicket

Maybe that was true today. I hope the tears shed today bring healing tomorrow. I pray for renewed outlook on my circumstances Lord. I pray that I'll feel your arms wrapped around me tight. I need you in this moment.

You Are More--Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Mexico... A new beginning.

We were driving…Simply driving to my new home here in Mexico for the next two months. My thoughts were set upon lounging poolside and walking on the magnificent beaches. My concentration was on how tanned I could become in two months and how many new friends I would make. But then we started driving. My eyes saw the streets of Mexico. They saw the poor beautiful lady who sat on the corner making her living by selling clothing. They saw the men hard at work just to provide the simple necessities for their families. And most moving of all, the children; smiling from ear to ear simply enjoying life.

My heart was ignited. My heart burned with a passion, it burned with a desire, it burned with a burden and a weight that God has set upon it. There was no way that I could just sit the the car and not feel my heart burn with the intensity that God had created in me years ago. My heart was leaping out of my chest as I was reminded once again that I have been ruined for the ordinary. I no longer can live a normal life, ignoring other people as though they don't matter to me. All the selfishness that I had built up in my life, and all the concentration that I had put on myself these past months vanished. I have come to the realization of the greater purpose God has put into motion for my life. A life centred on not my own needs, but the need I feel in the depth of my being to help this world.

For some time now, I haven't felt the passion as I did today in the car. Somehow, I'm not exactly sure how, but somehow it was lost along my journey. Where I mattered most in the world, my pain trumped the burdens that God had placed on my heart. My heartaches trumped the aches that He had placed on my heart for this world. It became natural to satisfy my own needs, rather than the needs of those Jesus has called me too.

If His purpose for me wasn't evident when it first appeared when I was little, growing up Mother Teresa was my idol, for if it wasn't enough when God confirmed that calling in Thailand for the very first time or however many hundreds of more times as I travelled the world under His name. It was confirmed right then and there. He confirmed it when I was least expecting it. On a vacation, a trip which was of course dedicated to Him, but not necessarily completely focused on His work. The purpose for my life was once again revealed to me in an overwhelming way. A purpose to serve those who need to comprehend love, comfort those who are in pain, love those who feel abandoned, cherish those who have nobody, give hope to those who have lost much and reveal the almighty characteristics of a wonderful God to those who God has placed before me.

My heart once again beats in sync with the Lords and it is ablaze to serve Him wholeheartedly while down here in Mexico. I pray for opportunity and I surrender my entire vacation, my entire being and my entire life to fulfilling His purpose He has for my life.