Nikita's Grand Adventure.

I am a fighter.

2012-01-26T17:26:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I've been given too much. I pile every up that's going on around me and it overwhelms me.

But I have lost sight of something so crucial; something God told me when I first became a Christian. That I am a FIGHTER. I was built to fight the good fight. I was created by God to be a fighter.

From the first moment I became a Christian I was forced to fight. I didn't understand it back then, I thought that it was normal what I was going through; nightmares, voices and visions. I thought my struggles were something that everyone went through. God's way of teaching me to rely on Him completely. I only knew to trust Him with my childlike faith. I didn't realize how He was making me a fighter.

It was then in Thailand that I learnt that the fight was worth it. I learned that I truly did have a destiny and a passion that God had placed inside of me. That the joy I got serving Him made those sleepless nights, all those things that terrified me daily seem so small compared to this new found joy. It made me want to actually fight, the fight wasn't just for my own survival it was for these children I met and the many more around the world that needed me.

Then later TREK came along. It was going to be a time of refreshment for me. A time when God was going to intervene and I wasn't going to have to fight so hard. Where He'd truly teach me His ways and I'd mature enough in my faith that fighting would become easy. I thought that the knowledge that I would gain during TREK would mean that the fighting was done by God, and all I'd have to do is sit back and allow Him to do it. That wasn't the case. I fought harder than I've ever fought in my life. There was a war for my soul, that was in the height of battle. I fought harder than I ever thought possible and even through that, I was no where near winning. All the fighting that I had done and I was no where near thriving; I was simply surviving.

After TREK training I moved to the downtown Eastside. I thought that the fight would lessen. I was exhausted from the year before. It had been exactly a year since becoming a Christian and in all honestly I was weak. The battle had drained me. But I found life. I found the joy of the Lord in the streets of Vancouver. It gave me drive. It gave me that push that I needed to say YES Lord, you are WORTHY. Yes Lord, I want to remain fighting this battle and I want more than anything to continue serving you in Brasil.

Then it had seemed like I lost the ultimate battle in the war. My team flew off to Brasil without me. I wasn't strong enough to fight after this one. I spent the next weeks in tears. I had fought as hard as I could. There wasn't even an ounce of fight left in me. I had given absolutely everything, I had done exactly what God had asked of me. I surrendered and swallowed my pride and asked for help from others. I did exactly what my leaders asked. I poured my heart and soul into reading His word, memorizing it, declaring it, letting it soak into my heart. And that hadn't been enough. I told God I quit. The fight was over.

My body had quit on me. Exhausted from a year of no sleep and a year filled with such terror that the lines between nightmares and reality are so blurred I can't remember what was a dream and what was real. But my heart beat on. My heart had fallen so passionately in love with God that it wouldn't let my body quit, not when my calling was so great. My heart told me that I needed to move on. That, that destiny that I learnt about in Thailand was real that that passion that I felt on the streets of Vancouver wasn't about to go away anytime soon.

So I fought on. I picked myself up, lifted up my head and raised my banner high. I let my passion lead me. I fought against my family's wishes and applied to YWAM. I fought through many friend's questions if this was really God's timing. I fought my own doubts, anxieties, fears, hesitations and uncertainty. But God told me to keep fighting for Him, to keep fighting for what I was passionate about, to keep fighting for my destiny. I fought up until the moment I landed in Belize.

Finally, it was going to be THIS time: where the fight would cease, and my faith would be simpler. I knew what intense faith training like this entailed, I knew the things that God was going to teach me this time, I knew the struggles I would face so I was more than prepared for this period of easiness in my life. I deserved it and it was finally here. The storm finally was going to be calm. And it couldn't have came at a better time. I had seriously used that last oomph that I had fighting my way to Belize.

But of course, simply said: God has called me to be a fighter. DTS was so much different than TREK training. I was more open, more vulnerable. I let my guard down and surrendered once again. Looking back now it seems that every time I surrendered Satan wanted nothing to do with it and the fight became more intense. My nightmares and voices peaked. But I kept fighting. I knew that it was God's plan, I knew that there could be no other way. I was trapped on this little boat and God had called me to fight.

Then something happened. It was beyond traumatizing, my darkest hour. Had it been my fault? And if it wasn't, then how could a loving God allow this to happen? Especially since I had been fighting so incredibly hard. After that I couldn't fight on, it was debilitating. The shock, the sting, the grief overwhelmed me, and still does to this very day. It wasn't fair. I had been fighting SO hard, I had been making progress, I was on a mission under His name. It just wasn't fair. How could I fight when this had been done to me?The ground that I had conquered in my fight was lost, I was once again brought to the beginning of the battle. I lost faith and gave up the fight once again.

I didn't recover for a long time, I didn't believe that I was meant to fight. Maybe God had called me to fight for a time, but surely there was no way that He could expect me to fight after what happened. I was defeated. But outreach came along. I knew that I was going to have to fight, I'd have no choice. I was no longer in the safety of the bubble of the boats. I prepared myself, not that I really knew what I was doing, but I prepared myself for battle once again. I was built to be a fighter.

Outreach was indeed a fight; filled with tears, heartbreak, loss, exhilaration, passion and joy. Once again the reason behind the fight was revealed. God was my true source and if He asked me to fight, that's exactly what I would do, no questions asked. He asked me to trust Him, I'd simply do it. Things that seemed to difficult to grasp during lecture phase came so easily. The characteristics of God became knowledge in my heart, not just my mind. He encouraged me to keep fighting the good fight.

Outreach was followed by a time of waiting, waiting for His perfect timing. As much as you'd think that this was another time of calm in the storm that I had much needed, it was difficult. Everyone told me to get going, questioned the reasoning behind me still being here. I had to fight for what I knew, I knew that God was in control. So I fought mine and everyone else's doubts and got to India.

The fight was once again heightened during my time in India. I fought thoughts of loneliness and isolation. This was supposed to be like all my times of serving God. Where the passion came easily and the willingness to fight was abundant. It didn't come. It was a conscience decision to get up every single day and fight to stay connected to God so that I could simply face the daily tasks that I was supposed to perform during my time there. I had to learn to fight even when I knew I was in the centre of God's will and it was supposed to be easy.

My time in India came to a close and I craved a time of rest. A moment of peace between battles. I knew that I'd have to fight hard to actually get myself to Africa and once I was there there fight wouldn't cease but just increase. So the war waged on and the fighting continued.

Then the accident happened: I fell off a cliff. It was yet another life changing moment. I faced the type of battle that I hadn't fought before: chronic pain. I felt helpless. There wasn't anything I could do, in that moment I couldn't even move my own body, how did God expect me to fight through this one? But I knew one thing for sure, my life should have been taken that afternoon, but God's mighty hand saved me from death. I would have to fight, I couldn't give up on Him, not after what He just did. Not after He declared that my life absolutely meant something to Him. So I decided that I was going to fight. I was going to fight through the pain. I didn't know how I'd do it. The pain was overwhelming; every single bruise, cut and muscle in my body ached and burned. But my heart felt the burning of God's love for me. So I declared to Him that I would be a fighter.

The following year, of course, I was forced to fight. Fight to simply get up in the morning and fight to fall asleep at night knowing that I'd have to face the pain all over again the next morning. The fight became wearing, it became all encompassing. I had to learn to fight for every single little thing, because it seemed that every little thing that I did was difficult. The fight slowly became more and more draining until I was completely drained. Unable to fight past the constant pain and unable to find a reason to keep fighting. The days dragged on and nothing seemed to change. I decided I didn't want to fight anymore. Maybe I wasn't a fighter.

And yet another year came. I was forced to renounce my title as a fighter. I hadn't done anything special. I was simply surviving. But I remember so clearly, one defeated day, God whispered to me: 'Nikita, I have created you to fight the good fight. I am so proud of you for what you have done so far. But now, I need you to lift up your chin, take My hand and let's continue fighting.' And in an instant I was once again a fighter.

The war has now brought me to Mexico: running away from the draining fight of similar unproductive days that dragged on day after day. God called me to fight here in Mexico. Fight for my identity, fight for my purity, fight to stand for what I believe in.

As I spent my day today thinking of the journey that God has brought me on I can't even deny a little bit that I am not only a fighter, but a conquerer in Christ. I have fought my way through battles that at the moment I thought I couldn't even begin to imagine that I'd get out of. Why is what I am facing today any different?

I am a fighter, so I am going to stand in Christ and fight.

Tears.

2012-01-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

“...you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.”
― Lemony Snicket

Maybe that was true today. I hope the tears shed today bring healing tomorrow. I pray for renewed outlook on my circumstances Lord. I pray that I'll feel your arms wrapped around me tight. I need you in this moment.

You Are More--Tenth Avenue North

2012-01-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Mexico... A new beginning.

2012-01-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

We were driving…Simply driving to my new home here in Mexico for the next two months. My thoughts were set upon lounging poolside and walking on the magnificent beaches. My concentration was on how tanned I could become in two months and how many new friends I would make. But then we started driving. My eyes saw the streets of Mexico. They saw the poor beautiful lady who sat on the corner making her living by selling clothing. They saw the men hard at work just to provide the simple necessities for their families. And most moving of all, the children; smiling from ear to ear simply enjoying life.

My heart was ignited. My heart burned with a passion, it burned with a desire, it burned with a burden and a weight that God has set upon it. There was no way that I could just sit the the car and not feel my heart burn with the intensity that God had created in me years ago. My heart was leaping out of my chest as I was reminded once again that I have been ruined for the ordinary. I no longer can live a normal life, ignoring other people as though they don't matter to me. All the selfishness that I had built up in my life, and all the concentration that I had put on myself these past months vanished. I have come to the realization of the greater purpose God has put into motion for my life. A life centred on not my own needs, but the need I feel in the depth of my being to help this world.

For some time now, I haven't felt the passion as I did today in the car. Somehow, I'm not exactly sure how, but somehow it was lost along my journey. Where I mattered most in the world, my pain trumped the burdens that God had placed on my heart. My heartaches trumped the aches that He had placed on my heart for this world. It became natural to satisfy my own needs, rather than the needs of those Jesus has called me too.

If His purpose for me wasn't evident when it first appeared when I was little, growing up Mother Teresa was my idol, for if it wasn't enough when God confirmed that calling in Thailand for the very first time or however many hundreds of more times as I travelled the world under His name. It was confirmed right then and there. He confirmed it when I was least expecting it. On a vacation, a trip which was of course dedicated to Him, but not necessarily completely focused on His work. The purpose for my life was once again revealed to me in an overwhelming way. A purpose to serve those who need to comprehend love, comfort those who are in pain, love those who feel abandoned, cherish those who have nobody, give hope to those who have lost much and reveal the almighty characteristics of a wonderful God to those who God has placed before me.

My heart once again beats in sync with the Lords and it is ablaze to serve Him wholeheartedly while down here in Mexico. I pray for opportunity and I surrender my entire vacation, my entire being and my entire life to fulfilling His purpose He has for my life.

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [5]

2011-12-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

Day Five: Five Golden Rings.

Objective: Pray for five marriages.

Reflection: Today was good, prayed for my parents and four other couples. I also prayed for myself and other single people that I know of. Straight forward and good.

Today I was also reminded of hope, faith and love. Still need to work on them, on believing them in my heart. But today my head was lifted. For all the times that I wished that these situations that I've gone through haven't happened, for all the times that I wished this pain would be taken away and for all the times where I just haven't understood the purpose behind all the effort I put into just getting through the day. I took it all back. I completely trusted in the plan that He had for me. I realized that it was part of a greater purpose. I realized how my character was was being refined. I realized how I am learning what endurance means, and what it takes to run a race with endurance. I realized that this was at where I was closest with God. I depend on Him for every single moment, every single thing and rely on His strength to simply make it through another day.

I had lost sight that all these things are worth it. Are worth the pain and everything else that I've given up or lost. God is WORTH IT and I have had a new understanding that He is ENOUGH. Getting through the day which seemed impossible with His help, makes Him rejoice over me. Putting my physical pain aside to study and do other things makes Him exclaim in joy. Choosing Him and His help to get through a tough day His strength is amplified within me. It's not even the prize at the end that motivated me today, it wasn't the promise of Him using this time because sometime in the future it was going to be used for the greater good of His purpose. Today it was simply, because He has called me to it, I will bear it under His name. It was simply because He loved me, and I trusted in that fact. I trusted in His promise that He knows what's best for me.

I'm thankful for Him this evening. I am thankful for this new revelation He has given me. I pray that it'll be here to stay. That these truths will resound in my heart for the rest of my life and I will have unwavering confidence to walk this path that the Lord has chosen for me.

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [4]

2011-12-16T20:50:00.001-08:00

Day Four: Four Calling Birds. Represent the four gospels.

Objective: Think of what the Gospels are all about. Reflect about the life Christ lived and ask for new revelation of Jesus in your life.

Reflection: I read most of Mark today. I reflected on the lief that Jesus lived: the miracles, the example, the stories and the blameless life. I pray for continued revelation every single day as I continue to focus to Him and use His life as an example .

"And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36

Lord, today I pray that your will be done in my life. I wish that this cup be removed from me, but your will, not mine.

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [3]

2011-12-13T23:13:00.001-08:00

Day Three: Three French Hens. Stand for Faith, Hope & Love.

Objective: Pray for more of it in your life and pray to show it to others around you.

Reflection: Hope, a four letter word, that has been a very hard concept for me to grasp today. Love another four letter word that I feel that I know how to give freely, but receiving is another story. Faith a word that describes the root of my being. Meditating on these three words today has been good. I've needed a focus of where my thoughts are lately and this prayer challenge has been good. It's been a way to keep focused on God for me, instead of just trying to take on an overwhelming amount of God at a time. Still need to do a lot of praying and meditating on these words. But It's coming. My hope is in the Lord, I love the Lord and my faith is rooted in the Lord.

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge [2]

2011-12-12T22:09:00.001-08:00

Day Two: Two Turtle Doves. Symbolize the Old & New Testaments. Sign of sacrifice.

Objective: Meditate on the fact that his sacrifice fulfilled every requirement of the law, for me.

Reflection:

I felt SO loved. Like I haven't in months. I sacrificed Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and TV. I focused on God instead of filling my life with other things, I filled it with the presence of God. I continually asked for His thoughts of me, His feelings, His words He wanted to speak over me. I realized how I've been walking around defeated once again. I've felt more alone these past couple months than I ever have. Felt like I've been left behind by everyone I know, and left alone to deal with all my issues. I realized finally today, that I am never alone. Though I may not always feel Him so near, or realize that He's holding me so tight, I am beginning to believe that He is, no matter the situation. And as I go through the day, I ask him where He is, and He reveals Himself to me. He shows me that He's there, all I have to do is ask and receive that He there. God is good, and as I reflect on His sacrifice, I realize the immense love that His sacrifice represents and when those thoughts of doubt come into my mind, I remember that Christ gave His life for me, and THAT'S HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.

Verses the lord speaks over me today:

"Praise the Lord, I tell myself; with my whole heart, I will praise His Holy name. Praise the Lord, I tell myself, and never forget the good things He does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He ransoms me from death and surrounds me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's. The Lord gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly." Psalm 103:1-6

'For this Good News--that God has prepared a place of rest-- has been announced to us just as it was to them. But it did them no good because they didn't believe what God told them. For only we who believe can enter his place of rest." Hebrews 4:2-3

"Since He Himself has gone through suffering and temptation, He is able to help us when we are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

"He personally carried away our sins in His own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and lie for what is right. You have been healed by His wounds." 1 Peter 2:24

"Be careful. Watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for some victim to devour. Take a firm stand against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are." 1 Peter 5:8-9

"I have loved you, My people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn you to Myself." Jeremiah 31:3

"Yes, says the Lord, I will do mighty miracles for you, like those I did when I rescued you from slavery in Egypt. All the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the Lord will do for you. They will be embarrassed that their power is so insignificant. They will stand in silent awe, deaf to everything around them." Micah 7:15-16

"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will drink deeply from the fountain of salvation. In that wonderful day you will sing: Thank the Lord. Praise His name. Tell the world what He has done. Oh, how mighty He is. Sing to the Lord, for He has done wonderful things. Make known His praise around the world." Isaiah 12:2-5

Twelve Day Christmas Prayer Challenge

2011-12-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

Day One: Partridge in a Pear Tree. The tree is Jesus.

Objective: Focus on Him and see Him in others around you.

Reflection: God, I see you all around me. I struggle with this, but I truly do see you working all around me. I pray that You will continue to open my eyes to the things around me, and to the things that You're doing. Open my heart as well, to the magnificent thoughts You have of me. Open my ears to hear what those around me need prayer for, and also to listen to give praise and thanks alongside my fellow believers. I want to stay focused on You this Christmas season, and I want You to be the centre of all my days. Jesus You are the tree, which root's run deep. I long to be a branch in your divine plan Lord. A branch that produce wonderful fruit for Your name, that is my greatest desire. You are with me, I believe that, every single step of the way. I truly see you within others around me. Their smiles, their words of encouragement, I see you in them, and I receive what they have to say. As I set my mind upon You, I pray that You will be glorified in my life and I will be able to see your glory shine through me and the people around me. I love you Lord.

Remember This.

2011-12-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

Working on this tonight.

Believing in these promises.

Allowing them to sink deep into my heart.

Praying that they'll become TRUTH in my life.

And that I'll be able to live out my life accordingly.

Venting.

2011-11-25T01:16:00.000-08:00

I don't know how I'm feeling...

How about we start there?

I just want to scream, cry... just shout out my struggles, my pains, my hurts, my heartaches, my questions, my deepest desires, my thoughts, my anxieties, my innermost secrets, my grief, my burdens, my joys, my anger and just everything that I've held onto for so long.

My insides are bursting out with everything that I haven't been able to verbalize. With all of these jumbled up, and cramped up emotions. My head has been swirling for far too long.

I don't even know where I stand right now.

There are moments where I feel like I'm standing hand in hand with God completely in sync with Him and there are moments where I feel like I'm in the deepest parts of the ocean, the thickest parts of the forest so far away, just left alone to deal with the weight of the world that rests upon my shoulders.

I go through extremes way to fast. From being completely content to completely overwhelmed.

I have decisions to make, but I can't even decide how I am feeling right now. I have big things to accomplish, but I can't even accomplish simple tasks because I'm so overwhelmed with life. Life is happening all around me, but I feel like I'm stuck, stuck in this point of middle ground. Ready to move, but unsure of where to even begin.

I don't know where to begin. With so much going on in my life, I don't know where to start. I try to pray, and get overwhelmed by God. I try to do my devotionals and I get overwhelmed by His ability to pierce my heart. I try to attempt to explain my struggles with a friend but I get overwhelmed with not being able to explain this huge burden I am carrying with me.

I just need someone to understand.

Maybe I just need to grasp the understanding of God.

I need to embrace Jesus.

But I don't know how...

I'm stuck in this place between, and I don't know how to get out. I know that how I've been living isn't enough, it's not what God's called me to do. I've got more potential than this.

But I'm stuck.

I need the love and grace of God to wash over me.

"But let him to boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:24

I need someone to care.

I need someone to tell me that I can get through this.

I need help getting out of this middle ground.

I need to feel wanted.

I need to be embraced.

I need encouragement.

I need to be loved unconditionally.

I need to feel adored.

I know God won't relent until He has it all. So I continue on this journey. On yet another tough path but through all this confusion still knowing that He is Lord.

Jesus is my everything.

Former things.

2011-11-19T14:11:00.000-08:00

Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon her; she will bring fourth justice to the nations. She will not cry aloud or lift up her voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed she will not break, and a faintly burning wick she will not quench; she will faithfully bring forth justice. She will not grow faint or be discouraged until she has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for her law. Thus says God, the Lord, who created the heavens and stretched them out, Who spread out the earth and whatcomes from it, Who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it:"I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. I am the Lord; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols. Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them."

Isaiah 42:1-9

Lord I am here humbled before you once more. I again have nothing to give, but offer up everything that I have left. You have designed every single aspect of my life and you know exactly when healing comes, you know exactly the moment it begins. Keep hold of my hand as you have promised. Take me along for this journey ahead of me. I am willing, I am wanting, I am ready. I desire to be a light for the nations. I am declaring with you Lord that the old things have come to past. I feel ready again Lord to take on the world under your name. I feel inspired to live up to your expectations once again. Thank you for your love that you have provided so abundantly.

Weakness.

2011-11-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

I hope you will find out that we have not failed the test. But we pray to God that you may not do wrong-- not that we may appear to have met the test, but that you may do what is right, though we may seem to have failed. For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for."

2 Corinthians 13:6-9

Praying for restoration in my life and asking for a change in my heart regarding weakness. Because though I am weak He is STRONG. I needed to be reminded of that today.

His purpose.

2011-10-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.

Exodus 9:16

Proclaiming His promise of a purpose for my life today. Understanding that I am part of a plan that He has personally laid out before me.Trusting in His will, and that He has assured me that He will make my path straight. Today I am declaring that I no longer want to control my life, because that obviously hasn't worked. I desire for Him to take over complete control of my life once again, for all the shots to be called by Him, every decision based on His Word and all thoughts centred on Him.

He is calling me.

2011-10-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

So turn around, you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late, you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the One who's strong, can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears, dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl.

Overwhelmed.

2011-10-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

It was one of those days today.

One of those days where I had, had enough. Where my pain had become overwhelming. I knew that He promised that He wouldn't give me more than I could handle... but He must have made a mistake: because there was no way I could handle the pain that I was in today.

Most days I can cope. I can look beyond my pain and see Jesus. I see Him suffering and realize that my pain had already been paid for. I can push the pain aside and continue on with normal life.

Today I couldn't. I was hurting. My entire back was throbbing and my headache was unbearable. I couldn't look past my own pain, I couldn't focus on anything else but it. It became all consuming and I lost sight of the Lord.

At church tonight, I kept saying No. I didn't want to be open to the Holy Spirit. I wasn't ready to be filled once again. I resisted the love that I knew that was being showered down all around me. I stood back from the worship of the good and mighty God... But it didn't work. He overwhelmed me. He overwhelmed me with a love that cannot be described. A flood came pouring over me and filled every single crack that had formed within me. I felt Him touch me, love me and tell me that He cared so much about me. He told me that my pain wasn't my pain, that He wanted it, that He was taking it, and as a matter of fact, He had already dealt with it.

It had been one of those overwhelming days, but it ended with overwhelming love.

Trust.

2011-10-20T15:43:00.001-07:00

Asking God to change your circumstances? He may be using your circumstances to change you.

Trusting in the Lord today.

Trusting He knows what is right.

Trusting He understands my struggles, pains and situations.

Trusting in His Sovereignty.

Trusting in his unending grace and unconditional love.

Trusting He'll get me through it.

Trusting in His strength.

Trusting that He is ABLE!

"O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me."

Pslam 25:2

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."

Pslam 37:5

A Beautiful Picture.

2011-10-06T10:44:00.001-07:00

Don't try to hide your scars, they're stories for a hurting world of wounds only Jesus can heal.

Yesterday I broke through that wall of justification I had built for my actions and watched it collapse around me. I saw that imaginary sense of what I was doing being okay, fly straight through the door. I fell and I fell hard. Last night all I could focus on was my failings and that knot that had built up in my stomach, which was there from the people that I had hurt. It had taken over my entire thought process. I saw the ruins around me. I saw the mess around me and myself in the middle of the shambles. I witnessed the mountains of lies I had convinced myself of. I looked down into the valleys of shame that I had allowed myself to dive into. I gazed upon the dark clouds of shame that were looming over me. The waves of the vast ocean full of the flaws of my life were splashing over me. The destruction around me was unbearable.

The eyes of my heart had been opened. But they had failed to notice the most important feature of this picture. The Figure walking triumphantly towards me. Something Marvellous that was leaving behind a vibrant streak of colour behind Him, ever since the first moment He had entered into the picture. As He walked towards me the mountains of lies violently came crashing down and the valleys turned into luscious green pastures. The skies gloriously opened up. Flowers sprouted and celebrated the arrival of the King.My eyes had never seen anything so brilliant in my life. Though He was still off in the distance His Glory was too much for me to handle: I was thrown to my knees in adoration.

I saw His face. It was that same welcoming face that had welcomed me back again and again before. He gently picked me up off of my knees. Wiped the tears from my eyes and brushed off the dirt and filth off my body. He grabbed ahold of me and embraced me like I've never been hugged before. In a moment that seemed to last for eternity, I saw The Cross, I saw Him say "It is finished," I saw my sin dissolve and fade away to nothing. I felt the waves of grace washing over me, and not only did I feel grace I accepted the grace that He had given to me. I then heard Him whisper ever so gently, but with all the authority of heaven and earth, into my ear: "Nikita, you are Mine. You are insanely beautiful and I treasure you more than ANYTHING in this world."

In that instant, I knew that I had fallen away, but I had finally grasped the fact that Jesus had been there the entire time. Calling out to me, longing once again to be joined in this beautiful embrace as we finally were once again. He ached for me; that I would just turn ever so slightly and notice Him there yearning for me to return to Him. I was more than my hurts and pains that I was going through, I was a beloved daughter of His. No matter what I had done, it was nothing in the shadow of the cross. It had been dealt with and it was gone, my only job was to accept it.

Falling...

2011-10-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

"Lord, You know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them."

Psalm 10:17

I messed up. I have finally come to realize that. I have been living a life that I had justified in my own eyes.

I have been too closely wrapped up in life around me. I've had extreme tunnel vision. My vision has been of a life where only I mattered. Where what I wanted came first, and what I wanted to do was more important than the foundations that I've built my life upon. Who I hurt didn't matter, because I only did what brought me the most pleasure. I have been selfish and didn't care about consequences, because I thought to myself... I could be doing worse. My morals and my entire worldview shifted. First in my mind was no longer what would Jesus have me do, but it was what can I do next to make myself happy?

I fell flat on my face. I finally found the strength to pick myself up and go to church. I opened my eyes and looked around me. There was nothing. I looked up and realized how deep down into the hole I was. My eyes and heart were opened to the damage I've caused myself. I saw my relationship with the Lord growing more and more distant and my relationship with the world becoming more and more intimate.

That is where I am left at this moment. At the bottom of a hole, completely vulnerable. Opening up and screaming from the bottom saying I NEED HELP. I NEED THE LORD MORE THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. Feeling scared, because I didn't even realize how deep down I was in this hole. I feel helpless: stuck at the bottom of a hole with the walls slowly caving in.

But my heart clings onto the promise of this:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who spirits are crushed."

Psalm 34:18

One Year

2011-07-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

A year ago today my life was changed forever. It was one of those moments that define you, that put your true character to the test. I was in what the world would consider an accident. But today one year after the event I am able to say that this was no accident, it was an event that happened under complete control of the hands of God.

Today I am looking past the pain that I feel. The emotional impact the accident had on me and going to the Source and simply saying thank-you for Your grace and mercy and thank-you for Your unending love.

My life truly did change a year ago, when once again a storm was brought into my life and God was there calling to me: I am your shelter the One you can take refuge in.

Feelings.

2011-05-05T15:29:00.001-07:00

I haven't written a post in a really, really long time.

When asked why today by a friend, I couldn't answer why. There is no real good reason. I think it's been because I just can't seem to put into words exactly how I am feeling or exactly how I am processing the things that are happening in my life right now.

I'm completely fed up with being in pain, but I'm coping. I'm struggling with seeing God in the midst of all this, but I see Him doing wonders in my life. I don't understand why this has happened in my life, but I still believe without a doubt that God is with me every single step of the way. I feel like I don't have the strength to continue on, but I know that He provides strength for the day. I feel completely lost, but I also am able to get completely lost in His Word. He seems so far away, yet I am overwhelmed by His love for me. I lose sight of the fact that God is still good, even though my pain isn't good. I get frustrated that nobody understands my pain, but I have a Saviour who knows EXACTLY how I feel.

So, I come before the Lord once again. Completely humbled. Heart completely abandoned. Unable to express my feelings, but knowing that He knows. Coming to Him with my frustrations and hurts. Coming to Him with complete confidence in His promises. Wholly dependent on Him with everything that I have left.

Trusting..

2011-01-29T18:31:00.001-08:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on you own understanding, in all your ways sumbit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting in Him tonight. Praying for guidance, and believing in His plan.

New Year, New Motivations

2011-01-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions.

The start of a new year always brings out new goals, new dreams and new motivations.

I spent the last six months feeling like I've been placed onto the second string team; that I had to wait until I felt better to be able to make a difference. I not only lost my drive, but my hopes, dreams and desires shifted to healing and myself.

As this New Year begins I start it with a shifted focus, once again back onto the things that have been engraved on my heart; working with children, helping those around me. These things still matter to me and these things are still the things God desires of me. They are still engraved on my heart and are still some of the things that define me as a person. I haven't been placed on the second string, but I have been lead down the road Jesus has called me to be on at this moment. And as much as I don't like it right now, I can say with confidence that I know that this is where I am meant to be.

I choose light; as much as it would be easier for me to choose to quit. I choose to believe that He is with me always, which means even in the pain. I choose to trust that my life, no matter the outcome, no matter how bad the pain gets, that no matter how much I don’t feel like getting up once again, will be lived out fully for Jesus which means getting up every single time. My strength is no longer coming from within myself, it’s coming from Jesus. I’m learning to depend on HIM for EVERYTHING. I can no longer get through the day without Him. I keep trying and it doesn’t work. I attempt to get up and find my own way to get through the day, as my pride gets in the way. I don’t like being dependent and it doesn't come natural to me, that I am unable do something for myself.

And all this has turned into a battle within me, what my mind tells me that I should be able to fix and what my heart tells me to let go and allow God's will to run freely within my life. As I dig into God's word, and press into the Truths I have learned I am reminded that God could have chosen to heal me by now, but He has CHOSEN not to. He has the power to do it in an instant, but has decided to allow it. As much as I don't like hearing that and every time someone has tried to say something along those lines I have resisted and claimed that it wasn't fair. I could have chosen not to go to Africa, but I did. I can say that it’s not my fault that I was in an accident, so why do I have to live with all the consequences? I can choose to have a bad attitude about it and continue feeling sorry for myself but that doesn’t get me anywhere. But the truth plain and simply is this: His ways are higher than my ways, and the plans that He has made are good and true.

I was unable to sing worship songs because I didn’t believe in what the words were saying, because there was no way a good God would allow this, there wasn’t any way a God of healing would allow such pain, there was no way a just God could allow something so unfair to happen. It took a lot of pain, anger and misunderstandings to get me to this point. It took a friend listening to these frustrations to make me realize where my heart was focused and how my eyes had been gazing not into the eyes of Jesus, but into this hole I had created around me.

So as I turn this next corner completely focused on Jesus I am able to once again listen to worship music and believe the words they say, I am able once again to believe that I am a loved daughter of Christ. Because when all that is within me is living for Christ and all my being is completely determined to bring glory to God, my pain changes. My pain becomes just another item that I can check off overcoming with the help of a magnificent Saviour. My pain is no longer considered my pain... It’s left at the foot of the cross.

Pain.

2010-12-19T23:35:00.000-08:00

It's been one of those weeks...

I have felt really drained lately... Just feeling sick of being tired and just plain tired of feeling sore. I thought that I would have been healed by now, but I'm not. I thought that my headaches would have lessened, but lately they seem worse. I thought that I could pretend that everything was alright, but it's not. I lately have lost the drive to get up and keep fighting every day. It seems as though the harder I try not to let this affect me the more it really has. I quickly lose sight of the miracle that happened that day. The fight that I've been fighting seems more and more un-winnable.

My pain isn't on the outside in the form of scars, bandages or broken limbs. I've quickly realized that also my strength isn't on the outside in the form of muscles, knowledge or abilities. As I pour all my energy into pretending I am alright, I realize that my energy needs to be focused on the One who really matters: God.

I’m running to your arms, I’m running to your arms.
The riches of your love will always be enough.
Nothing compares to your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

Into His arms once again I race. I am reminded that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. Though I am not particularly comfortable at the moment, I am still confident in His flawless plan and though I go through pain daily, I know I am LOVED beyond compare. And that is where I find my comfort.

“Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit ho has been given to us.”
Romans 5:2-5

I need to remember that I am adored by Him. I need to be reminded that I am cherished by Him. I need to keep in mind that I have been chosen by Him. I need to recognize that I am the apple of His eye. I need to understand that I am a daughter of light. I need to acknowledge that I am of VALUE to Him.

Unconditional Love

2010-12-16T23:36:00.000-08:00

You are my shelter when strength is gone

You are my refuge when pain holds on

And my soul finds strength in You oh God.

I have been able to comprehend more and more every day that God is indeed my refuge, He without a doubt is my shelter and in Him alone my soul is satisfied.

As I relinquish my rights and continue on this daily process of dying to myself, I have renewed confidence that once something is brought to the foot of the Cross, it is no longer my burden, and it rests completely in the hands of our loving father. I am encouraged by His example that we indeed are able to overcome the sufferings of this world and we WILL be given the strength to do so in His name.

A communist officer told a Christian he was beating, "I am almighty, as you claim your God to be. I can kill you." The Christian answered, "The power is all on my side. I can love you while you torture me to death."

These are the examples that go before us. The example of Christ Himself... taking the weight of our sins upon Himself. The example of a fellow believer who completely understood what the love of Christ is. And also the example of countless others who truly lived their lives in submission to Christ, who completely understood the meaning of loving others the way we ourselves have been loved.

I am challenged this evening to do the same. First of all, to actually allow His love to surround me, become me and overflow within me. And secondly that I'd be able to pour that love back out to others: no matter who, no matter what the situation.

This is my prayer tonight, to become like Jesus, and do as He did. My prayer is that I will truly understand the meaning of unconditional love.

Simply do it.

2010-12-07T11:20:00.001-08:00

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

I realize how I've lived my life in differently in different situations. It's easy for me to live out a life of love to my friends, it's easy for me to have a servant heart when I am overseas. When I am overseas it is effortless for me to understand what it means to pray without ceasing. It is clear for me to grasp that I need to ask God constantly throughout the day who He wants me to talk to and what exactly He wants me to do.

I didn't do things because I wanted recognition. I did them simply because God wanted me to. I didn't care if people noticed that I had just done the dishes for three hours by myself, I knew that God had called me there to be a servant and it was treasures in Heaven that I was working towards. It was pretty straightforward that when God said do something I did it for Him as a shining light, and I did it to the best of my ability.

And I feel my heart being tugged to do the same thing here. And I am feeling challenged to do without a fuss, and without complaining that it is too hard. But just to simply do it.

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the World of Truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

I humbly accept what God's will is for my life today. I respectfully ask for the strength to do it. I pray that my eyes don't leave Him, even for a moment so that His Kingdom may be furthered.

God Raises the Level of Impossible..

2010-12-02T09:29:00.000-08:00

It's been five months today.

"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told. "
Habakkuk 1:5

"My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." John 17:15

"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;let them ever sing for joy,and spread your protection over them,that those who love your name may exult you." Psalm 5:11

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes." Ephesians 6:11

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

There were so many things that could have gone wrong in the accident. The Almighty God preserved my life. He declared that he had a specific purpose for my life and He wasn't finished with me quite yet.

God's calling was clear. His plan remains flawless. And my love toward Him deepens.

Look at these:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:24

"Learn to do good; seek justice. Correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." Isaiah 1:17

Look at this smile... it was COMPLETELY worth it!!

"I want you to know brothers, what has happened to me has really served to advance the Gospel." Philippians 1:12

It begins now.

2010-11-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

God has placed me here for a specific reason. He has set aside this time in Abbotsford for a purpose. As I have softened my heart towards Him, and accepted that there isn't a time where I am "outreach" and when I am home. That He has called me to live in a missions field. That He has placed my family in my life so that I may be a LIGHT to them. That my life can't ONLY reflect Christ when I am overseas. That it's a DAILY conscious choice to live out exactly how I have been transformed.

I just want to declare that TODAY is the day of Salvation. TODAY is the day I start living as a changed believer of Christ. Today I start living outwardly this transformation.

It's no longer good enough to be changed from the inside. It's outwardly showing the transforming power of Christ to the WORLD; starting with my family. I HAVE been renewed! The POWER of Christ is ALIVE within me. Today I submit COMPLETELY to the task that I know God has been tugging my heart towards for a VERY long time.

Today is the start of something beautiful.

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

Fight The Good Fight.

2010-11-23T16:44:00.001-08:00

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way.
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand.

These past weeks have been hard. It's been a struggle within me: a battle between my head and the rest of my body. My mind has not comprehended or given into what my soul knows is right. It's been an ongoing battle...

Even as I write this I am brought to tears. I'm STRIVING for more of God, but I hold back. I confess with my mouth and heart that I want all of God, but I withdraw when He asks me to give all of myself back to Him. But the desire is there. The unrest within me has taken over.

You won't relent
until you have it all...
my heart is yours.

God is not allowing me to be satisfied with only half of Him. My spirit isn't resting because I know that there is TRUTH out there I still am not grasping. My heart is still overloaded because I do not comprehend the fullness of God. Everything inside me has been stirred to no longer be quenched with what I have been alright with before.

These struggles within me have exhausted me. COMPLETELY drained me. I've worn out EVERYTHING that I have. There is absolutely NOTHING left of me.

I've realized that what I've done during my time in YWAM... things that were confirmed in my heart, struggles that I had held onto that I was released from and freedoms that were gained in my life , STILL need to be DECLARED today, they still NEED to be CLAIMED TODAY!

He empties me because He is ABLE to fill me once again, but I haven’t allowed Him into to do that. It’s been a DAILY battle, a continuous conscious choice to choose LIGHT! I know I lose sight of the goal and after falling flat on my face again and again, the desire is gone to face the reality that it is happening for a purpose and get back up. It’s easier for me to stay down.

But I hear God calling out to me, saying I WILL REFRESH you. I see Him stretching His arms out and crying I will REPLENISH your spirit. I recognize He longs to RENEW within me the passion to be content in Him alone.

So, I come to the Lord tonight defeated wanting to be victorious. I come to the Lord tonight humbled to a place where I can honestly ask to be filled ONLY by Him. Tonight I am able to grasp that I’ve been suitably equipped for the battle that is ahead and I will be given ENOUGH for the day.

It’s the start of something wonderful. It’s the start of something deeper. It’s the start of something extraordinary.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rules, nor things present or things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:37-40

2010-11-15T23:13:00.000-08:00

There is hope for helpless.

Rest for the weary.

Love for the broken heart.

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing.

He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus.

Tonight I call on Jesus.

Tonight I pray for His arms to wrap around me.

Tonight I desire His tangible love.

Tonight I long for comfort beyond comprehension.

Tonight I ask for unconditional grace.

Tonight I proclaim I need Him more than ever.

Tonight I DECLARE His love has covered me.

Tonight I say that I'm no longer afraid.

Tonight I cry that out to Jesus.

Tonight I realize your love is all that matters.

Tonight I devote my entire self to You once again.

Tonight I understand the power of Your Blood.

Tonight I am no longer satisfied with half truths.

Tonight I acknowledge that there is a time for everything.

Tonight I know He is with me.

Tonight I rest in the TRUTH that I am HIS.

Tonight I stand adored by Him.

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together.

India

2010-11-08T12:17:00.000-08:00

India.

The place where my ancestors reside.

I am learning the language right now, I understand the culture, traditions and beliefs. Not only do I understand the people I AM one of the people.

Missions, India, Me... It makes perfect sense doesn't it?! I realize that anyone looking from the outside considers it a perfect situation. And I've heard it many times before.

I hear about the AMAZING things about what is happening in North India and how God is moving throughout the people there and the need they have for people to come alongside them and partner with them united under His name. My heart MOVES, my heart LEAPS out of my chest. It stirs within me, something so intense that I can barely contain my shout of SEND ME LORD... I know that it does every time I hear about missions. But at the same time I have this connection with India and as I saw the faces flash on the screen last night I saw the faces of my family, I saw myself.....

I have HUGE dreams that I keep deep down inside my heart, dreams that I know are crazy but I KNOW are possible for God. I want to have an orphanage. I want to have hundreds of kids inside of it with so much love that it is OVERWHELMING and you can tangibly feel it when you walk in. I desire for all children to understand that they are children of God and LIVE it out. I want my orphanage to reach out to the community and help families. I want it to be a place of refuge where the lost find hope, the broken become whole, the helpless feel needed, the lonely feel loved, the poor find their treasure in Heaven, the abandoned feel welcomed, unloved feel adored, the needy feel abundance, and BEST of all everyone finds JESUS.

I now realize that I TRULY don't care where I am serving God. The children have the same smiles and they have the same needs. So what if Thailand is beautiful? Africa sounds cooler? Or Central America has better beaches? Where He leads I will follow. I get into the car and then ask where the destination is. I am not going to wait to see what the destination and then decide to get in.

For the first time ever, I saw what other people saw so clearly. My calling may be to India, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is my ministry, what matters is the glory of His name, what matters most is that Jesus is going to do POWERFUL things. And I have the INDESCRIBABLE PRIVELEDGE of being a part of that.

Expect GREAT things from God, Attempt GREAT things for God.

Restless

2010-11-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in Spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I’ve been exhausting myself. Salvation can’t be earned. No matter what I do, even if I gave the ABSOLUTE best that I had to offer to God, it still wouldn’t be NEAR enough. The reality is that there isn’t anything I could possibly do on my own to make God love me more.

I’ve been trying to satisfy myself and have not been allowing the comfort of God to flow over me. I try to earn grace. Though I say with my head I believe God gives grace, it is incomprehensible to me that grace is a free gift. And I find time and time again that I exhaust myself trying to do whatever I can do earn it.

It is these simple truths that I have skewed and told myself that for everyone else they work like that. But for me I have to earn it. For me I have to be a good person. For me it’s different. I feel like there is hope in the distance, but it’s not close enough to reach. I feel like God grants rest, but what have I done to deserve it? I feel that God loves unconditionally, but who am I that He will love me? God gives peace that surpasses all knowledge, but what are my problems that I should need relief?

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You`ve done.
Not because of what I`ve done.
But because of who You are...

But over this week I've been learning to let go of these things. It's been a slow process, and I still don't fully feel as though I've let go completely. But I know that it's a start. Realizing that these thoughts, hurts and pains aren't what define who I am. Jesus defines me. Jesus' blood is what I am covered by, not by lies. Jesus' love is what I want to live by, not the distorted truth I've let myself believe. I can't be satisfied with the feeling of emptiness when God longs to FILL me daily! It can no longer be adequate for me to only long and desire for all of these half truths anymore, because now that I’ve realized how much more of God there is and that I have discovered how many of His characteristics I haven’t fully grasped in regards to my own life. It changing something in my soul, to no longer be satisfied with anything less than all of Jesus.

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

I was quickly pushed past the point of humbleness to worthlessness. God has truly BLESSED beyond BLESSED me with the most WONDERFUL people I`ve ever known who speak into my life. They bless me and remind me of who exactly I am in Him and what exactly I mean to Him.

Now we need to apply the blood of Christ around the door of our heart or else deal with the consequences.

Now that I’ve tasted and seen the REAL Jesus I am confident that as I DECLARE these flaws I have to Him. Now that I understand that I’ve believed these lies as truth. Now that I realize I haven’t been living in the light. I can CHANGE. I can TRANSFORM. I can OVERCOME the darkness. Because that is who Jesus TRULY is. Jesus FULLY satisfies. Jesus COMPLETELY loves. Jesus FREELY gives. Jesus GLADLY grants. Jesus OVERWHELMINGLY adores. Jesus PROVIDES rest. Jesus COVERS with grace. Jesus PENETRATES my soul.

I want the Gospel to change me. I want it refine me. I want to truly understand the POWER of the Cross and let that flow into EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life. It was said to me that once we truly understand what God has done for us, and that Jesus loves us: our suffering will never be the same. We will have no choice other than to rejoice, our only option will be praising the Lord, and the first thing our hearts will say is I trust YOU Jesus.

As I rest in Him I long to get to that place...

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."

I`ve used this quote before, but I feel as though it’s PERFECT for what I am feeling right now.

WHO AM I? AM YOURS!

Unhindered.

2010-10-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

"The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life."
James L. Christensen

A lot of thinking and transforming... means a lot of blogging this week. I feel like this is the ONLY way to get these millions of CRAZY ideas out of my head and to make a little bit of sense...

God is moving. That is what I can start off with. He is doing incredible things in my life right now. They're subtle, and they're not so obvious from the outside. But within the depths of my heart God has been working overtime. My heart is beginning to come together once again. The pieces that I thought could never be mended and were fragmented beyond being rebuilt are starting to mesh together and become repaired. As I allow His love to penetrate through me not just on the surface level, I have realized that though In have understood who God is and all of His AMAZING characteristics, I am finally able to allow it to saturate into my soul... and it's an indescribable feeling.

As these walls come down around me I have never felt so vulnerable. I feel like I want to crawl back into my shell but at the same time I feel ready to take on the world. As I come to the Lord unhindered by phony strength, fake dreams and artificial love He reveals His true strength to me. It makes me realize how weak I am. It make me understand how much more of Him I need. And how good it feels to pour out because I WILL be refilled and refreshed again tomorrow.

I can't pretend to understand this change that is going through me. It's completely opposite of everything that I have ever been. It makes me nervous, but I have been ruined for the ordinary time and time again. So as I continue to learn how to surrender up my entire being DAILY I am thankful He reminds me of His LOVE every step of the way.

This is the day that I have boldness to tell the Lord that I want to be physically HEALED. I have the confidence that He will just do that. I LONG to dance, run, jump, play and live life unhindered.

"He PROCLAIMED the Kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ -- with all BOLDNESS without hindrance." Acts 28:31

My days dedicated to the Lord...

2010-10-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have had a FABULOUS past two days. As I desire to be transformed by our LOVING Father I dedicated two days completely to Him. Putting aside EVERYTHING and focusing in on HIM without any distractions.

It was AMAZING and I don't know why I don't this more often. God met me exactly where I was... I mean it wasn't that much of a sacrifice: spending the days with my BEST FRIEND, my Father, my EVERYTHING.

I came out feeling convicted to an extent. Why don't I just do this every day? Why can't I pray and take captive every thought EVERYDAY? Why do I wait for special days to commit to God?

I meditated on the word ADORED. And it was AMAZING. I struggle with the fact that God will love me no matter what I am going through. I struggle with the fact that I am not adequate .I struggle with the fact that I am nobody, and who am I that I should be adored? Maybe I didn't get the answers, but I've never felt that LOVED in a LONG time. I didn't feel like I needed to pretend to be someone that I'm not. I didn't need to come with conviction because I am COVERED by grace. I didn’t need to pray something that I pretended was on my heart. I came as me. I came to Him as Nikita Caitlin Lalli: a twenty year old girl with a TON of baggage, some pretty CRAZY ideas, and HUGE unthinkable dreams. And that was the most FREEING feeling.

I've struggled a lot with freedom issues. If you asked me any time throughout these past years what I wanted most from God I'd tell you freedom. Freedom to live out my life unashamed, freedom from fear and freedom to be who I truly am.

It took me two days of trying to get to this place. It took two days just enjoying His presence instead of trying to impress Him with my strength and with my own abilities. I have realized how I have put on a front for the world and for God. I've felt as though I needed to prove to Him that I'm strong enough and that all these trials I have been going through they haven't affected me. I wanted to believe I was strong. But I’m not. I’m weak; I am but dust in His eyes. I have realized how He hasn’t placed these burdens on my back to cause me to stumble but to get me on my knees.

And that is where I was left once again. In God’s favourite position; on my knees with a humbled heart.

Fill Me Up God, Fill Me Up God, Fill Me Up God!

LOVE OF GOD OVERFLOW, PERMEATE ALL MY SOUL.

MY HONEST DECLARATION

2010-10-24T21:02:00.001-07:00

“God allows the storm to prove He is the only shelter.”

I don't want these to just be words typed out onto a computer screen. I don't want these to be empty words I talk to people about. And I DON'T want these to be exhausted words that I pretend to declare.

These words truly come from my heart this evening....

I want, no I NEED to be SAVED by Jesus! I NEED Him in my life, I NEED Him to TRANSFORM my life. I am no longer satisfied from living a half life. Walking in partial freedom. Pretending that my head is held high.

Because I KNOW I'm too good for that. I KNOW that my God is stronger. I KNOW that my God has claimed VICTORY... so why except a loss?

I have come to realize throughout the years that this is a process that it isn't going to happen overnight. But tonight is the night I start living it out. I start to have God's goodness poured over me; I start soaking into His words and tonight is the night where the line becomes blurred of who I am and where Jesus begins. It is my heart's DESIRE for these things to become a reality.

Tonight I come to the feet of my Father willing to endure what He calls me to. Praying not for a lighter load but a stronger back. Accepting God’s plan as flawless.

This is my journey... It's been messy and I wish I could change a thing or two, but it's God's... which means it's PERFECTION.

“Patience is: trusting God to solve your problem, without setting a deadline for Him to do it.”

"Live simply, so that others can simply live."

2010-10-19T15:04:00.001-07:00

“Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.”

I realize much of what I did in Africa has been overshadowed by the accident. First thing people want to know is everything about the crash and the aftermath of that. I think it's time to shed light on the WONDERFUL things we did before. I have this particular story to share today...

Growing up I always remember Mother Teresa being my hero. I remember reading books about her and saying that I wanted to change the world when I grew up. I remember reading about her ministry and how she chose to help the poorest of the poor.

We had the privilege of going to the Mother Teresa home in Addis Ababa. We got to witness there first hand children with disabilities, AIDS patients, TB patients, street women who had recently given birth that were given a place to stay for the first four months so that the babies at least had a chance to survive, we saw leprosy patients, the elderly who no one wanted to care for, and many lost and lonely people. We were able to visit the dying rooms and got to pray with people who only had a few days left to live. It was then I finally realized the true meaning of Mother Teresa’s ministry.

Her ministry wasn’t only to these people because they didn’t have anything. She understood their deepest issue. She distinguished their deepest need. She interpreted the greatest gift that she could give them. And that was LOVE. It was caring for them; it was accepting them for who they are; with their flaws and imperfections, with the smell and the tattered clothes, with poverty and with their untouchable diseases. It was loving them unconditionally with God’s heart which was such a contrast from the rest of the world. It was tending to their needs when society had said we want nothing to do with you. It was treasuring them; it was nurturing them like a loving mother. It was respecting them enough to take the time to notice them; to say “hello, how are you doing.” This was her greatest ministry: Loving the unloved.

I got to be a part of this great ministry. Though I was only there for a day, I got the opportunity to love these people. I got the chance to make a difference it someone’s life. We were able to go through this home and pray for people. To give them hugs and shake their hands and tell them that God loved them EXACTLY the way that they were. He fearfully and wonderfully created them EXACTLY the way they were. It was life changing. It was such an honour to be able to care about these people unconditionally.

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.”

Humbled. Loved. Adored. Cherished. Awed.

2010-10-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I have traveled around the world and back for You. Under Your name I have seen great and mighty things. I have seen magnificent wonders made both my man and the Hand of God. I have witnessed first hand what most people read about in books and see in movies. I have come to realize Your heart for this broken world and I see the soft spots that Your heart longs for and that Your soul aches for. My prayer today is that to the ends of the earth, to the highest nomad villages to the deepest underground churches that Your glory will be KNOWN, that Your majesty will REIGN and Your love will OVERFLOW. It is my prayer that as You have shown me and made me knowledgeable in things like starving children, brothels, homeless families, epidemics and all those lost and lonely people, that You will also show me how You desire to use me. That You will show me MY part in the solution. That You will bring to my mind how YOU intend fix this. That along the way You will remind me that You are ALMIGHTY and are able to redeem all things. I know that You're enough, that You're enough to REPAIR the broken no matter what we've been through. Please guide me and give me strength and abilities to fufill your will in my life.

I desire to be Your sample here on earth.

With GREAT love,

Your HUMBLED daughter.

Your ways are higher than my ways.

2010-10-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

"Your ways are higher than our ways, and the plans you have made are good and true. If you call us to the fire, you will not withdraw your hand, we'll gaze into the flames and look for you."

I don't like to learn hard lessons. I don't like learning from my own mistakes. I don't like to learn from going through struggles.... But I know that they refine me. I know that they are what transform my bad habits and I know they teach me in a way that lasts.

At the end of the day I know whose throne I bow before, and whose feet I humbly kneel before. I know whose heart loves me unconditionally and whose hands I choose to place my own heart into. I know who knows MUCH more than I do and only has my best interests in mind.

"Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident." Psalm 27:3

Damaged at best.

2010-10-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

"I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out., I'm falling apart... I'm barley breathing, with a broken heart, that is still beating. In the pain... is there healing? In your name, I find meaning."

I DECLARE I NEED His help!!

I came home tonight completely convicted, broken and my back THROBBING in pain.

I realize now, how I thought that I had confidence, confidence in what I believed, confidence that I could do it. Tonight I see how quickly this confidence has turned into arrogance.

Tonight I am on my knees, arms wide open. DECLARING I NEED HIS HELP! Declaring that I am completely broken. Declaring I am empty and NEED to be filled once again with Him. Declaring that I need to stop PRETENDING everything is alright and that I need to take DOWN these high, high walls I've built all around me.

I claim that I have done all that I can... and I CAN'T do it on my own... I've come to the end of everything that I've got. There isn't any of me left. My cracks are too wide for me to keep going the way that I've been going, they NEED to be repaired. They need to be filled with a incomprehensible love. My heart has been torn too many times that I can't revive it. It needs to be put into the overflowing hands of grace of my merciful Saviour. My soul has been exhausted and completely worn out. It needs to be rejuvenated by the Lord Almighty. And my hope needs to be replenished by the Hope of the Nations.

Tonight I realized how completely broken I am.

I'm damaged at best. And tonight I DECLARE that unashamed...

Tonight it is the honest cry of my humbled heart that God will just come down and REIGN in my life. That He will take CONTROL over my life, and that I'll be humble enough to allow HIM to do it!

Give me life again... because I just want to be whole.

"So I'm holding on, I'm barely holding onto you. I'm hanging on, another day, just to see what, you'll throw my way... I'm hanging on, to the words you say, you said that I will, I will be okay."

Proclaiming Confidence.

2010-09-30T13:07:00.001-07:00

These past weeks have been a little overwhelming for me. I've started a new chapter in my life and not only am I in an entire new situation but I've felt as though I've started off on the wrong foot.

During this time though, I've learned how to cry out to Jesus. To make known to Him my hurts, my pains, my struggles. I realize that He UNDERSTANDS my struggles, He is able to DISCERN my feelings and He can RECOGNIZE what needs to change.

It makes it a lot easier on me. It's load off of when I know that someone else understands exactly what I'm going through. And not only does He understand what I am going through but He KNOWS the solution. He knows how to get my hopes up once again and He knows EXACTLY how to bring my eyes onto Him again. I have been VERY grateful that when those thoughts creep in that I'm not good enough He PROCLAIMS that I am. He DECLARES to me that His blood was enough.

It's time that I walk in that once again. Stop walking with my head down, saying the world has beaten me. I am a loser, but not in that way. I have lost my life in order to gain it. I am a winner, I don't need anything of this world and pain in this world can no longer hold me down. I will SHOW you that Christ's blood is enough. I will walk in CONFIDENCE that I truly do BELIEVE these things not only in my head but in my heart.

Today is the day! Today is the day I remember to hold my head high because my Father has conquered the grave and beaten death.

"For the LORD is your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught."

Proverbs 6:26

That`s what faith can do.

2010-09-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

Jesus NEVER changes.

His love remains throughout the ages.

Though I have such pain,

I am confident it won`t remain

I declare Jesus blood is enough

Even when though the times get rough.

No matter what happens in my life

His word touches me as a knife.

I will remain faithful to you

In absolutely everything I do

Through all this pretending

I trust you no matter what the ending

As I shift my focus back to you

I am confident you`ll carry me through.

As I look around at this mess

I’m reminded of your faithfulness.

I cast onto you all my sorrow

And will do so again tomorrow.

In awe of you I stand still

Knowing I`m in the center of your will. ‘

I look around and notice the sun

Once again into your arms I run

I lost sight of how much you loved me

And how your blood has set me free.

Your love is completely abundant

And everything else becomes redundant.

Jesus you are worthy to be praised

And the reason today my head is raised.

Trusting in His plan.

2010-08-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and they way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." Matthew 7:-13-14

This week has been about trust. As I continue on this journey and as I continue looking at my options, trying to figure out the path God has laid out before me. I have come to realize that my options are many, the potential is great, and the world is available.

As I make major decisions, I look back on my heroes; my role models. Amazing men and woman who have lived out my dreams, done things that I can only imagine and who have radically lived lives full of faith, love and passion. I look back at the humble beginnings of Mother Teresa. I look back at the testimony of a woman, who spent over sixty years overseas on three different continents blazing boldly with the fire of the Holy Spirit. I look at the people I admire greatly who work "normal" 9 to 5 jobs, but whose unceasing love has spread not only to me, but every single person they come into contact with.

As I visualize these people, their lives, and how God has used them, I see the things I value, I see what I treasure and cherish. I see the path God laid out before them. I saw their commitment to a faithful God. I've come to see the that this narrow gate we strive towards on this narrow path of righteousness is broader than I thought before. With the full strength of an all-powerful God calling the shots, I have no limits nor do I have any boundaries.

I see God telling me that these people didn't know or realize when they were my age that they were going to have such an impact on my life, nor do I know the impact that I will one day have on someone else's life. As I make decisions now I see that my commitment to God, my trust in Him, my confidence that He will take me where He wants me, by allowing His conviction into my life, and relying on Him with my everything and my faith that "He who began a good work within [me] will carry it on to completion" is what will take me to my full potential and all that God has in store for me and I don't need to worry about the details between.

Challenged.

2010-08-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart ♥ May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done."

At church today the Holy Spirit hit me.

I have come to realize when I hear God best, it's when He hits me in the face with His truth and reveals His heart and His passions for my life. It's then time to take a step back and review my life, get back onto that path that He's set out before me and align myself once again with His vision and THEN move forward again.

I sometimes am challenged when I pray SO long and hard for something to happen, and it just doesn't. I start to question God, I go back and look over those truths that I knew to be true and ask why?

I was reminded today to adjust my focus. To put the focus not onto the things that God isn't doing, but to my own actions. Have I made the proactive step of living a Christ-like life? Have I taken a step outside my comfort zone to encourage these dreams? I was humbled when I realized I was just sitting back and waiting for God to do it all. I recognized that I was blind to see that it was me who was hindering these prayers.

Instead of being on the front lines of battle, I was hanging back and waiting for God to do all the work. I lost sight of the meaning of FRIENDSHIP: A TWO way relationship. I saw that a mighty, powerful, omnipotent God wanted me to fight alongside Him. I saw a God that could do it Himself but cared enough to not want me to sit back, He knew I'm ready, He knew I'd find the strength and knew that I believed I'm covered with His grace.

I was encouraged today to follow my dreams. To chase after what I know God has called me to do. Not to sit back and watch the world go on around me, but to be PART of the world as I lead the way. To make the world sit back and watch as I work for the Glory of His kingdom, as I battle on the front lines and as together as the body of Christ we spread our light throughout the nations.

2010-08-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

"If the devil were wise enough and would stand by in silence and let the Gospel be preached, he would suffer harm. For when there is no battle for the Gospel is rusts and it finds no cause and no occasion to show its vigour and power. Therefore, nothing better can befall the Gospel than that the world should fight it with force and cunning."
Martin Luther

Time is LOVE

2010-03-01T00:17:00.000-08:00

I was just visiting my grandmother up at the North of India! And it was FANTASTIC!!!!

But what did I experience? What did I do? Most importantly what have I learned? ... SO MUCH! I think that once you get into the mindset of EVERY SINGLE person that you meet, there's SOMETHING you can learn from them... it changes you, it changes how you see people, it invites relationship into your life.

I've been raised in a society that's taught me "time is money." Coming into a place of religion and rituals that people from birth are taught. Where tradition is fufilled by all and has it's place throughout daily life. Coming into a society of laid back people. It's a change.

Here I've come to a new conclusion "time is love." Time means that you care, time represents respect, time shows someone that they mean something to you.. What more could anyone ask for?

Here in Punjab this has become quite clear, EVERYSINGLE house we visited; whether they were among the wealthiest of India, to the poorest one room houses, they would ALL insist on tea, sweets and roti.

I know that when I am at home, if I'm just going to someone's house to visit, I make sure I've eaten before heading out: not wanting to be a burden to anyone. Here it's the opposite since you just KNOW that you'll have tea and sweets, and there will be multiple offers of more food. It teaches you something about hospitality. It's a good representation of what we should become.

When you are with the people here; they're ENTIRE focus is with you. They're not worried about later plans, stay as long as you want. If they don't have want you want they'll send out for it. Their attention their time, is yours. They might not have very much, but that hour they spent with you for the day means more than anything they could have given you.

I've learned that here children spell love T I M E. When people hear about a orphanage in India with street kids, most people respond the same as many of you did. What can I send? What do they need? What can I buy for them? Spending two months here; I've realized that, though I may have nothing to give them, it's the time that I spend with them. It's that I am here when they have a nightmare in the middle of the night, I am here when they fall down and hurt themselves and I am here when they don't understand their math homework. Though I don't have anything, I have love, I have compassion, I have a heart for these children.

What do you do when a child is crying? You realize that someone has to care....

There was a lady by the name of Agnes who died over ten years ago. She had a heart beyond hearts for the poor of the world. She was a humble single woman that changed the face of the planet. She came from a middle class family. To the world's standard she meant nothing. Many today know her now as Mother Teresa. It wasn't just what she did while here on earth, it was was she put into motion. It's the inspiration that it's possible to reach the poor, it's possible to change the lives of many, and when work together it's possible to reach the world for Christ!

Here I am; the same humble beginnings as Mother Teresa. To the world I mean nothing. But for these next six weeks to these children I mean the world. I may not end up being the next Mother Teresa, and I am okay with that. If I effect a single child's life here in India; that's generations saved, it's a renewed opportunity that, that child has at life. They say "Those CRAZY enough to THINK they can change the world, usually do."

I'm ready for what God has in store for me. I'm excited to see what's around the corner. This God we follow keeps me on the edge of my seat; and I'm thankful for that! :)

Much love from India!!!

What a BIG God!

2010-01-23T21:53:00.000-08:00

God isn't confined by brick walls. He isn't defined by mud huts. He resides within the tent shacks. He flows throughout the bamboo homes. He drapes Himself over the garbage mounds. His scent is evident even through the exhaust and smog. He is alive alongside the millions and millions of different people that call Chennai home.

God is bigger than we can comprehend. He knows my dreams. He understands my desires. He created my passions, and lit the flame to my heart that blazes for Him. My plans are big, and with revelation from God rightfully should be. My hopes are go beyond even what I can imagine. My vision is nothing less than moving mountains in His name.

All these things are gifts from God. Though my dreams may seem bigger than me, and even though my vision may seem impossible GOD IS MIGHTY! God is HUGE! He created the universe with one breath. And with one Man He conquered death. He's big enough to accomplish my dreams. I am just thankful He has chosen me to go along for the journey.

It was hard being here without a team. But I have started to realize what pray without ceasing truly means. I've been talking to Jesus CONSTANTLY since being here. Since He is the ONLY one that understands me fully, He is the one that KNOWS where I come from. He's the one that knows my culture. Heck He made me! SO that's been really comforting to realize. Since I don't know anyone here I've been forced (in a good way) to get to know everyone here a lot better, and it's good to be COMPLETLY immersed in the culture. I really do get to live as the Indians do here. I'm thankful for that.

But it's becoming habit to talk to Him so regularly, and constantly I'm really THANKFUL for that!!!!! Its crazy how much He has to say to us; as long as we take the time to ask, talk and LISTEN!! What a good God we serve!!

What a GREAT God.

2010-01-18T04:59:00.000-08:00

I think about the countless times I've begged God saying "I will go," or "here am I Lord, send me!" and how here I sit, in Chennai, blessed to be given this chance to serve God overseas. I think of how wonderful our God is, how He remains faithful to us. He knew the desires of my heart, and in His sovereign knowledge and timing He's given me this time. This time to give back a VERY tiny bit that I can, since He has given me nothing less than eternity.

"Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see, everything that I keep missing. Give me your love your humanity. Give me your arms for the broken hearted the ones that are far beyond my reach. Give me your heart for the ones forgotten. Give me your eyes so I can see." Brandon Heath.

This is where I have started; asking Him for His eyes and His heart. Humbly asking if He will grant me the honor of being His hands and feet. And in reverence asking for His love, and for that love to extend through me.

I know and realize for my time here to be a success all these things will have to become reality. What am I without Christ's love? What will the children gain from me without me becoming an extension of Him? If my heart doesn't ache with theirs what benefit will there be? The answer is nothing. By His grace He has brought me here and through His grace He will grant me the knowledge, strength and wisdom to accomplish these things.

I am at an orphanage with fourty-four children. And they're absolutely beautiful!!! I can't even begin to describe their beauty to you. They're beyond talented, and just exude joy! Their vibrant smiles brighten up my days and laughter fills the building. We play games, have meals together, bible studies, and mostly enjoy life together.

I can't beleive how much I have to learn from these children! Their knowledge in the simplicity of life astounds me! Just how they go about their lives every single day with such greatfulness through they come from such brokeness. The power of Christ is so evident in their lives, a single glance from them leaves me awestruck.

Being here for over two weeks now, it amazes me how much I have already felt God begin to change me. Not the surface level change, but from the depths of me, those untoched places that I before never would have allowed Him into. They're transforming. They're softening. They're moulding into what a perfect God wants them to be. I've been blessed with His abundant love that is constantly showering over me; and how that I've taken a step back to realize this, it's altering the way I think, changing how I talk, changing my interactions with others for the better and above all transforming the way I live my life: with God in the center, God on the sides, and God flowing through EVERY SINGLE aspect of me.

I sit here today with just one prayer: that I won't get in the way of God's transformations. But instead, open my heart to it, welcome Him into my life with open arms, and for what I feel to become so contagious that it'll come to effect the people around me.

I thank-you for your prayers!!!

It has Begun!

2010-01-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

And the story begins. It begins with a girl listening, desiring and responding to God's call of the Gospel. A girl with no clue what she is doing, but is relying moment to moment on God's faithfulness, unceasing love and compassion. Where God leads I will follow....

And here we go!There is just something so amazing, so touching, and just so enlightening about bilingual prayer. I don't know what it is; but it moves me, it makes me want to pray harder. Something about the body of Christ coming together as one to worship and petition on behalf of an Almighty God takes my breath away. It excites me and readys me for what is to come. That as I have come here from around the world, not bringing God to these people but have come to share in God together as brothers and sisters in Christ. God has reminded me of that early on here in India! And I am humbled and thankful for that. I am here to yes; bring people to Christ, and further The Kingdom, but also to do life with these people; share in their joy, ache with their broken hearts, mourn in their loss, marvel in their triumps, and to be a part of what a magnificent God is doing on the streets of India.

So this is where my journey begins... on my knees listening to Gods voice, praying for His leading while down here in India, seeking His wisdom in my every move, in my heart declaring for Thy will to be done not mine, and soaking in His glorious presence.

I invite you along for this amazing journey He has set out before me. The goal: for God's love to refine me, for it to become what defines me.

He turns my darkness into Light!

2009-12-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light.
2 Samuel 22:29

Theres something I've come to learn that is completely authentic, always dependable and utterly undeniable; and it's that God's characteristics NEVER change. No matter what is happening with my life, no matter the hardship, no matter the love that I feel, it is constant.

You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
Psalm 18:28

The love that I feel coming out of church, is the same love that He gives and shows me when I lose someone that I love. The grace that He showers over me when I'm sitting here is just the same as while I'm living in sin. The compassion He exudes is unending. The power of salvation CONSTANTLY covers my head. His holy presence abundantly flows encompassing my entire life. His comfort is plentiful not only during the easy times, but throughout the tough times. My trust in Him overflows daily. And I pray that my knowledge of Him deepens with every breath.

When His lamp shone upon my head and by His light I walked through darkness!
Job 29:3

I understand from my past that when darkness strikes alongside there is ALWAYS light. Though it may be small nevertheless it is ALWAYS there. It may be hard to see in the current situation but again it never ceases to be there. I realize it is hard to see God against all situations, but He NEVER fails to grab onto our hand and reveal to us His Majesty. I know that it is easy to focus all our attention towards the tough times, but continuously God pulls our minds from it, and there we are left gazing into His magnificent eyes.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16

And that is where I kneel today, before a Savior who completes me. Arms completely stretched and hands completely open. Comforted in the knowledge that every tear is caught in his hands. Gazing into a majestic God, who a hundred times over will save me, a thousand times over will fight on behalf of me, and a million times over will remind me of this AMAZING love He has for me; as a father beaming down at His precious daughter.

Savior Please.

2009-12-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

"Savior, please take my hand .

I work so hard, I live so fast.

This life begins, then it ends.

And then I do the best that I can,

but I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough,

but I'm just not strong enough.

I can't do this alone, God I need you

to hold on to me.

I try to be good enough,

but I'm nothing without your love.

Savior, please keep saving me.

Savior, please help me stand.

I fall so hard, I fade so fast.

Will you begin right where I end?

And be the God of all I am because you're all I have.

Hallelujah!

Everything you are to me

is everything I'll ever need.

and i am learning to believe

cause you're the one who's saving me"

"Savior Please."

By Josh Wilson

Isaiah 60:20

2009-12-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

It's one of those nights...

A night where everyone seems so distant. A night when the tears keep flowing. A night when unceasing prayer is the ONLY solution. A night where a tangible love is all you need. A night where the world seems to be put on pause and aches alongside you.

"Your sun shall no more go down, nor your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days if mourning shall be ended." Isaiah 60:20

Trials.

2009-12-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

I've gotten a TINY taste of what it's like to suffer these past few years. But along with that I've gotten a TINY taste of a magnificent Savior these past few years.

Through the years if you asked anyone who was there along for the ride during those tough times it wasn't pretty. There wasn't anything glamorous about my life it was a battle between light and darkness; an encounter between good and evil; a black and white picture.

This dry, and dreary picture throughout the past months has had colour burst and explode from it. Something beautiful has erupted from the center and is becoming more and more breathtaking every single day.

It's when God uses your trials, the situations where you've come out standing instead of face down to help others who are going through similar situations is when colour starts leaking through the picture and when these beautiful images show up and cover old scars and old hurts it's something so enthralling so captivating it motivates us to move ahead and bring about greater change.

I was able to help out a friend this week who is struggling with something similar to what I've been struggling with these past years. I was able to help her, give her verses and come alongside her. It was the most amazing feeling, and everything seemed so right. It dimmed down memories, it highlighted what Christ has done for us.

When Christ was here on Earth, He suffered beyond compare. Now when we call upon His name He knows how to comfort us, He knows what we're going through, and best of all He knows how to turn our heads towards the right path, to move us towards the perfection He wants us to obtain.

I'm thankful for Christ's sufferings and what an affect they've made in my life. And I am also thankful that my trials have been used to help others.

775 Years.

2009-11-27T11:25:00.000-08:00

Seven hundred and seventy five.

The amount of years spent by about twenty fearless woman of God who served overseas as long-term missionaries.

I was privileged enough to sit down and have a meal with them. To hear some of their AMAZING stories, to realize my hopes, dreams and desires have been fulfilled by these incredible women. That a life of complete service to the Lord is necessary.

These woman’s calls were quite clear, they knew that they needed nothing less than the faith that Christ would provide and the knowledge of how big the God we serve is.

My Heart.

2009-11-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

"Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed." Joshua 23:14

I sometimes feel disappointed that I am still here, that somehow I have taken a step off of the path that God has put before me, and in some way have managed to put my own personal wants, and desires in front of the will of God. And that what God has told me these months before, these promises, I might not be strong enough to complete the task set before me.

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

I am then reminded that my life is worth nothing, unless I am on this path towards a beautiful, loving God. Towards perfection that took the form of a human, that gave His everything for me. When I think of these things, I think that I have been so privileged to be a chosen daughter of Christ. To have been appointed to not just live my life, but live it with a purpose. To live my life with the ambition of preaching the Gospel to those who have not yet heard. To live my life with the desire of striving to do nothing less than please God. To live my life with the intent of having God's flawless qualities flow through my every moment.To live my life with the final destination being the total exultation of Christ.

The expectation is high, and rightfully should be. There is a flawless God working through me; a God who is nothing less than perfection. The expectation is excellence with every breathe. It is my duty to do the unimaginable for God, to do the things I get laughed at for, for the things that people don't understand, to do the things that my family may think is a waste of time. It my my duty at this time is to go to India for a God that I'd give my life for.

It may be discouraging along the way, where there are bumps in the road, where there are obstacles in the way of getting you to what's expected of you. But theres inspiration! Theres a tangible love that Christ shows, there is the history of a God who lived a sinless life even as the sins of the world were thrown at Him. It could be done! That in itself gives me the desire to strive for nothing less in my life. "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12 Wow!!! Such a bold statement made by Christ. A statement that I'm ready to base my life on. A statement that will make me bold in the times where I may have been timid.

A simple affirmation from Christ was all it took today, to set my hopes and desires once again on Him.

"For even if I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building you up rather than pulling you down, I will not be ashamed of it." 2 Corinthians 10:8

What He deserves.

2009-11-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

My heart beats for only the Lord. My thoughts are focused on Him alone. My hands move in His name. My words are spoken in reverence to an almighty God. My actions are centered on the will of God. My prayers exalt Jesus' name. My attitude distinguishes me as a Christian. Everything that I am strives for the exclusive glorification of Christ.

This is my prayer today. That the above statements would become true; and no matter what is happening in my life; I pray that my life, my EVERYTHING, would be in total exultation of a perfect God. That I'd devote myself to what I believe in even when things are tough. That I would live my life in worship to a God to who deserves nothing less.

After writing this I realize yet again what a magnificent God we serve. How radiant is His love in my life, how marvelous is His influence that reaches me at every single moment. I'm realizing how entwined I am and how far I am leaning onto God... and I adore Him for that.

"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1

The Cross

2009-11-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

Nine months ago on the first of the month, my world was turned upside down.

"But though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men." Lamentations 3:32-33

I've learned a lot of things these past nine months.

I think the biggest and most important thing that I've learned over these months have been my deepening understanding of the cross.

The knowledge and faith that once something has been brought to the foot of the cross it is no longer our burden.

The comprehension of the defeat of our sins by the blood.

The power to grasp the cleansing power of this blood.

The beauty of a Savior who in our place took on the agonies of Hell, and suffered beyond anything in our wildest imaginations.

The picture that was painted of a God who's unconditional love goes beyond the boundaries of death and reaches down to us individually.

The encouragement that He gives us being able to overcome sufferings of this world.

The compassion and grace that was shown to the children of God.

The majesty of a flawless God who choses to be my friend.

The more I think of it; the more things the cross means to me.

Seven hours Jesus spent on the cross. In seven long minutes my world shattered. In seven days the earth was created. And seven times more will I praise the Lord with my every breath.

"O Lord, my Lord, the strength of my salvation, you have covered my head in the day of battle."Psalm 140:7

What a beautiful Savior.

2009-10-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

This one is His.

I give it all to Him.

No matter what the cost.

I have already lost.

I can't do it alone.

I need Him by my side.

Hope cannot be found.

This far into the ground.

I have lifted up my sorrow.

It overfills His hands.

I had to look away.

It was not meant to stay.

My pain thus far remains

But in rememberence to Him.

Jesus paid the price.

The final sacrifice.

With this thought I'm lifted.

How could I've overlooked it?

Even though I'm hurting.

He stands there still alerting.

What a beautiful thing.

I simply do not comprehend.

What a beautiful Savior.

I say again:

What a beautiful Savior.

Relief.

2009-10-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

When Jesus died on the cross giving up His life in place for us he boldly stated "It is finished." (Luke 19:30) In the same way when we completely surrender something to Jesus and we declare for His will to be done not ours; it is finished. We have left it for Jesus to say yes, no or later.

These past weeks have been a struggle, so many things going on with my family, with India and with me. I am currently finishing the Old Testament and read in Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him." And I thought this was just AMAZING.

God doesn't get to know us better when everything is perfect, and when we are strong. He gets to know us better when we are in hard times, in the times where he comes alongside us and helps us through our troubles, through our hardships and through the time where we don't even know what way is up or down. God is there and by pressing into Him it allows us to become more aware of who our Father is, and who He still is through our hard times.

That was my week this week; crying out to God telling Him I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't see what was up and what was down. It took a couple days for me to stand up, take a step back and realize that no matter what is going on in my life that God is unchanging. What I thought of Him in the middle of Honduras, or not going to Brasil, and at a weekend service; His characteristics never change, He will always be my loving Father who is my refuge in times of need.

I gave up all my desires, all my dreams and all my plans for the future. It was harder than I thought it would be. It comes down to the fact that I trust God more than I trust myself. It comes down to the fact that God knows more about me than I know myself, He knows my desires and the best part of it all is that He's going to be there holding my hand, lifting my chin up in hard times, and when I need Him the most I'll be there wrapped in His arms and He'll be there comforting me reminding me that this is HIS will.

This has been a HUGE relief this week. It's in ALL in God's hands now!!

2009-10-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

"I know you've washed me white  Turned my darkness into light  I need your peace to get me through  To get me through this night  I can't live by what I feel  But by the truth your word reveals  I'm not holding on to you  But your holding on to me  Your holding on to me " Casting Crowns

It's been a few weeks of not knowing what lies ahead, of not knowing when I am going to leave. It's been a few weeks of trusting God that His timing is perfect.

Your Grace is Enough.

2009-09-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

Do we make plans and then ask God to prefect them?

Or do we ask God to direct our paths, direct our thoughts, actions and way of living?

Do we ask God in all His perfection what our next move should be?

Our omniscient God, does He take a back row when it comes to our life plans?

It's time that I take step back. It's time that I allow God and His flawless qualities to actually be put to use in my life. It's time that get back onto the path that God has set before me.

I don't get a say; I don't get to choose where He takes me; I don't get to make a request; I don't get to know where He will lead me; and I don't get to back out when times get rough.

I do get assurance, I do get my Creator choosing a perfect path for me, I do get a God that knows my deepest heart's desires; I do get a loving Father guiding His precious child's footsteps; I do get grace when it's needed, I do get strength for anything He brings towards me, and I do get a friendship that is worth every moment.

He's made it quite clear, it's written it out in plain English that this is what I need to do. That without doing this I'm not equip to go to India, I'm not ready to surrender my entire life. What I need to do today is trust. Trust that God is mighty to save, and trust that He's got my back. Trust in His timing and trust that His grace is enough.

As I get closer and closer to God; I'm getting closer and closer to what He has in store for me. Right now it's India. Right now it's the children that He's lost.

His grace is enough; and it's my prayer today that I will never forget that.

Jesus Freaks

2009-09-17T08:31:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel as though God should have chosen someone else; that I'm not strong enough to endure through the things that He's called me to do. That somehow He's made a mistake and I can't possibly be called to the middle of India. Sometimes I feel that it's just all too overwhelming and I have a great life here. Sometimes I think that there must be someone better suited to go into the depths of India to preach the Gospel.

"For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust." Psalm 103:14 I am reminded that it's true: I am not worthy, I am not fit for the task He's put ahead of me, and mostly I have been gifted with a gift which I do not deserve. But still God has chosen me; worth only as a spec of dust in His eyes, yet He's chosen me. He's chosen to work through me, to strengthen me, to give me a worth, to give me boldness in His name, and most importantly He's done what cost Him His son for me; He's given me eternity.

I'm leaving to India in two days. These thoughts ring in my mind over and over again. I've been truly blessed. God's given me a purpose and a desire to follow Him. He will be the one strengthening me and encouraging me in India. His mighty works will be displayed throughout India and I have the privilege of going along the ride with Him. And though there is no way that I'd be able to do this myself I have love of my life: my savior going alongside me.

I'm currently reading Jesus Freaks, a book about martyrs; a book about thousands of men, women and children giving their lives for the furtherance of the Gospel; a book about people that were burned at the stake, people who's fingernails got pulled off one by one, of people who's families were getting killed in front of their faces; a book where through all these circumstances these people prayed for their killers that they'd come to know Christ, and with their final breath glorified Jesus' name on high and praised Him for their sufferings.

I sit here today praying for just this; boldness to preach the Gospel with reverence and adoration; strength to endure whatever He puts before me; and when it comes time to choose Jesus or life I pray that with complete confidence that I will choose Jesus Christ.

"Sin loses its power over us when we lay our lives down for Christ--because our eyes are on Jesus."

dc Talk

Where you end I begin.

2009-09-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

"Where you end Nikita, I begin."

This is what I've been hearing from God A LOT lately; and I've found it QUITE true.

This whole India situation has been BEYOND CRAZY! Pushing the limits of my faith; where my EVERYTHING needs to be centered on the basis that I TRUST the Lord; and I BELIEVE that this is His will for my life.

I've finally come the the realization which gets sums up in John 3:30 "HE MUST INCREASE, BUT I MUST DECREASE."

In times where I feel like I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do in the middle of India by myself, to times where I think that I can't bare the fact that I'll be LEAVING my friends again. Mostly the times where there's nothing of me that keeps me going. That's when God steps in and holds me tight; telling me THIS is the time where I NEED to push past what people are telling me, that I NEED to continue to put all my trust in Him, I NEED to walk with confidence that the Lord is in control and most importantly that He's STRONG ENOUGH to get me through ANY situation.

That still whisper is what I hear "Where you end Nikita, that is where I begin." It is now my prayer from this day forward; that where I end and where He begins has no definite line. That God's FLAWLESS qualities will be in my life everyday in every moment. That I will continue to decrease so that Christ may be glorified in my life. That my thoughts and His thoughts, my plans and His plans, and above all my actions and His actions are aligned.

May my life be lived for the GLORIFICATION of Christ!

Hope. Rest. Love

2009-08-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

To everyone who's lost someone they love

Long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains

Keeping you back from your life

You believe that there's nothing and there is no one

Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on

They lost all of their faith and love

They've done all they can to make it right again

Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains

You try to give up but you come back again

Just remember that you're not alone in your shame

And your suffering

When your lonely

And it feels like the whole world is falling on you

You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone

Wiping the tears from her eyes

For the children around the world without a home

Say a prayer tonight

Lyrics by: Third Day

I will instruct you and teach you.

2009-08-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
Which much be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.
Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous,
and shout for joy, all you upright in heart.

Psalm 32:8-11

India is happening; I've just gotten the paperwork sorted out that I've been waiting for a month now.

There's no doubt in my mind that this entire process is God's leading; is God's teaching, is God's almighty plan. He's instructing me day by day; daily leading me closer and closer to India.

Today I sit here astounded by God's almighty power, in awe of the fact that He's worked every single situation out for this moment in my life. I sit here fascinated that though I know nothing of what lies ahead, I know without a doubt that it's God's perfect plan. I sit here mesmerized by His word and the relevance of it in my life. And sit here in complete confidence that God's hand is in my life; creating within me a servant heart willing to go where He leads me.

Though I don't know what this year is going to end up looking like. I know one thing is forsure. I am not going to be like that horse or mule without understanding. Because what I understand is that God is truth, God is holy, God is righteous, God is all knowing and all powerful, God is loving, God is sovereign, God is just, and God is wise. That's enough for me. For me to base my entire existance on Him, for me to follow Him to the end of this world and back.

My road to India.

2009-08-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

God is a CRAZY guy!!

He knows the desires of my heart; and knows how badly I want to serve Him in India. He'll take me there when I'm ready. He'll get all the finances in when it's the perfect timing. He's preparing my heart right now; I know that. He's moving within me right now.

He's doing something. So while I'm here I'm committed to serving Him fully. And fulfilling His will in my life. I know that I have this time at home for a reason; at first it was quite discouraging being here still and it being August. But I know I'm not running off of my time; it's God's timing.

I've been pouring myself into Him daily; and I'm completely confident that I am where I am because He wants me here. It's hard, not going to lie. I want to be serving Him on the streets of India with children. But I have been called for this moment of time to the people of Abbotsford. So I got to trust Him, and He's being doing AMAZING things around me here. It's actually CRAZY!! He's opened my eyes to the mission field here and the need here.

I am first of all His servant. He is my master. So where He leads me I will follow.

2009-01-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

The Lord is near to all who call on Him...

Psalm 145:18

Lord I trust your leading

I obey your comands

I hear your calling

I long for your voice

I see you here

I've never felt You so near

Guide my footsteps

That lead to salvation

Here we stand

Hand and Hand

Through highs and lows

I'll make it through

Because I have You

I hear you Lord

I feel you Lord

And this is how we'll stay.

May Your unfailing love be my comfort,
according to your promise to your servant.
Psalm 119:76

Breakaway

2009-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away

And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors

Swinging around revolving doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but

Gotta keep moving on, moving on

Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings

And I'll learn how to fly

Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye

I gotta take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget the place I come from

I gotta take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

=(

2008-12-27T11:04:00.000-08:00

What do you say when someone tells you that the absolute most important thing in your life is a complete waste of time??

I miss Team Brasil. <3

2008-12-23T19:27:00.001-08:00

I miss Team Brasil a lot more than usual today...

It's hard not to feel as though I let them down; Hard to not feel like a failure.

They were more than a team to me;

they were my family.

people who I went to when I needed help.

there to pray with me when I needed someone.

always supportive through everything.

people who could make me pee my pants laughing

people who could take a joke.

they put others before themselves

very strong christians.

people I could confide in.

I could ask questions without feeing dumb.

do the most ridiculous things.

say what was on my mind.

they were the ones that I trusted with everything

They became a part of me, became the people I depended on. They're MUCH more than a team to me; my very close brothers and sisters in Christ.

I MISS THEM!!

My God Dominates.

2008-12-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

"LORD, to whom would we go? You alone have the words that give eternal life. We believe them, and we know you are the Holy One of God."

I was shocked by what my friend had asked me the other day. She had asked me.. "Nikita you've been through SO much this past year. Why didn't you turn your back on the God you serve? And how could a God so good allow something like that to happen to you?" It caught me SO off guard. I don't know why.. It was something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. The only answer that I was able to reply to her was, "Well.. I trust my God with my everything and He knows what's best for me. I don't exactly understand it, but I know without a doubt that He's in control of my life."

My friend isn't a Christian, and she still didn't understand. She said that it didn't make sense me continuing to follow my God even though He's put me through SO much. And she told me that it just seemed as though He'd abandoned me. Why hadn't I just chosen to follow something else, something more fulfilling. By that point my only reply was; I love God, and He loves me and He's with me always, and He'd NEVER leave or fore sake me.

This was a couple days ago. And I've just been thinking a lot about it. My response was SO weak. I should have been able to just drop down a sermon, or just be able to explain to her a little more about what was going through my head. My friend and I have these types of talks often, and she's really actually help me grow in my faith. I was both amazed and in awe of her observations. She had noticed the way that I had taken in the situation. She had noticed that I was going through something very hard. She'd noticed more than some of my Christian friends. She had noticed that I had chosen God.

That verse in John says it all. There wasn't anyone else who could have helped me through everything this year. There wasn't anyone who could have comforted me the way God did. There wasn't ANYONE that could of orchestrated such an intricate incredible plan that worked together for the furtherance of the gospel (Philippians 1:12).

Choosing God wasn't the hard part. Running to Him in times of trouble wasn't the hard part. Receiving His comfort and love wasn't the hard part. The hard part was seeing Him within the difficulty. But once I saw Him... It was incredible. Seeing God within the difficulty blew me away. I saw Him at work; I saw His helping hand within the entire situation, and mostly I saw just how much He loved me. He hadn't just left me there to fend for myself. He had come along side me and bore the biggest burdens onto His shoulders. He was right there fighting the battle, as a strong and noble warrior. The creator of the entire universe was there fighting along side me!! God didn't abandon me during my struggles, He was right there in full out battle on my behalf.

It's something I can't describe in full, but it's something I hold onto. Something that reminds me of how great that God is that I serve. He's willing to suffer with me, in fact He has suffered for me. And it continually astounds me every single day!

My Loving Father.

2008-12-11T09:48:00.001-08:00

Someone once told me a long time ago before I became a Christian that for some reason I've always had in the back of my mind. She told me that we can never truly understand the depth and depend on God with our everything until He shakes up our world. We wouldn't fully understand His love, His grace, His compassion, His comfort, and His mercy. We couldn’t understand that He's all-knowing, all-powerful and Omni-present. That we wouldn't understand that He's sovereign, righteous, holy, wise and truth.

It has been something that I’ve always thought about throughout my Christian walk. I forgot about it; and thought to myself.. Well I understand and know that God is all of those things, and He hasn’t shaken up my world. I guess she was wrong. I know how to depend on God with EVERYTHING in my life. I understand His love and compassion. God had comforted me when I had failed that test. Obviously He’s all-powerful; that’s what I’ve been taught. I know that He would love me no matter what I did... But my life was going pretty well, so why should I think any differently about these things. My God that I served was all good.

Then about a year ago, my world started to get shaken up. Everything as I had known it went out the window. That absolutely perfect God that I had been serving had just turned on me. And my life was no longer as I had planned it, and it was no longer perfect in my eyes. And that’s when the questions came, that’s when all I wanted was answers. “All I want is a reasonable answer—then I will keep quite. Tell me, what have I done wrong?” Job 6:24. So then I figured in order to answer my questions I would need to search for them. I studied by bible like crazy, I asked teachers questions, and I’d pay attention in church.

It was then that I realized what that ladie had told me all those years ago was true. God shook up my world. I NEEDED Him to survive, I LONGED for Him with my everything and I CRIED out to Him constantly. “I earnestly search for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water.” Psalm 63:1. In return God showered me with his GRACE like never before, He was COMPASSIONATE beyond all compare, He SPOKE to me more clearly than I thought possible, and He LOVED me throughout it all. I was forced to trust Him, it was my only option. In order to take the high road, I needed to TRUST Him with my everything- every last bit of it and He in return would take my burden upon Himself. “I heard an unknown voice that said, ‘Now I will relieve your shoulder of its burden; I will free your hands from their heavy tasks. You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you; I answered out of the thundercloud.” Psalm 81:6-7a.

I realized that the way that my life was going before I didn’t need to trust God. I thought that I had control of my life. I thought that I didn’t need God’s grace, His comfort and I didn’t need to think anything about God’s sovereignty. I was able to trust on my own strength to get through all my little problems. I realized that I wasn’t holding onto God with every last ounce of my being. But when I did something changed, He was now My loving Father that I ran to in times of trouble to seek refuge, He wasn’t just my Daddy that gave me things when I asked. "The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7

What she told me was now a reality. My world was turned upside down. Life as I knew it was no longer, and it’s never going to be the same again. I now understand all those things, not only in my head but it’s all poured into my heart. I truly feel that not going to Brasil was part of that journey. It’s allowed me to grow in how much I trust God. I’ve entrusted God with my life... not just some of it, but the entire thing. And if it wasn’t His timing that I go to Brasil, then I trust Him.

The Plan.

2008-12-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

"God's secret plan has now been revealed to us; it is a plan centered on Christ, designed long ago according to His good pleasure. And this is His plan: At the right time He will bring everything together under the authority of Christ-- everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because of Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for He chose us from the beginning, and all things happen just as He decided long ago. God's purpose was that we who were the first to trust in Christ should praise our glorious God."

Ephesians 1:9-12

God promised long ago that He's going to bring everything together. EVERYTHING. That means me not going to Brasil, my best friend passing away, family not being Christians, and everything else that seems HOW THE HECK is that from God? But everything is going to come together. I think that I've already started to catch a very, very small glimpse of it all. I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today without every little thing that has happened in my life.
I realize that I wouldn't be able to trust God the way I do now.
I wouldn't have had to depend on Him like I do now.
I wouldn't be as strong as I am now.
I wouldn't have the faith that God changes.
I wouldn't understand that bad things work for the glory of God.

God's plan is better than anything I could EVER imagine. It was planned out a long time ago. And every little thing that has happened was planned. It didn't just happen by accident, and this was what God planned in His orginal plan. He didn't decided that I could no longer handle things and change His mind. God's purpose in my life was that I should praise Him. So that's what I'm going to do.

He loves me more than I can imagine. So I know, and trust with all my heart that something good is going to come out of this. It has to; because I serve a God that is only good.

God's plan.

2008-12-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

I see God.

I see God in this whole situation.

He's right here holding my hand, holding me tight.

He's going to get me through the pain

through the confusion

through the hurt

through that feeling of failure.

He's NEVER going to let me go.

Never turn His back on me

Never give me something I can't handle

Never let me go unloved

I will never blame God

Never turn away

Never try to understand why

Never fall away from my Savior

If God really wanted for me to be in Brasil, He would have brought me there. I have no doubt about that in my mind. As I am constantly reminded this isn't Plan B. This has been God's plan the whole time.

So today I am choosing God; not understanding. Because I know that if I choose understanding I won't always choose God.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.

Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;

therefore, I will hope in him!”

The Lord is good to those who depend on him,

to those who search for him.

So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

And it is good for people to submit at an early age
to the yoke of his discipline:
Let them sit alone in silence

beneath the Lord’s demands

Let them lie face down in the dust,
for there may be hope at last.

Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
and accept the insults of their enemies.
For no one is abandoned

by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
For he does not enjoy hurting people

or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations 3:22-33

God knows.... I don't.

2008-11-29T00:17:00.001-08:00

I don't understand right now God, but I trust you completly.

I know Your plan is FAR better than anything I could EVER imagine.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Freedom.

2008-11-23T21:42:00.000-08:00

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom

If you're tired and you are thirsty, there is freedom

Freedom Reings in this place

Showers of mercy and grace

Falling on every face

There is freedom

Jesus reings in this place

Showers of mercy and grace

Falling on every face

There is freedom

Freedom Reings in this place

Showers of mercy and grace

Falling on every face

There is freedom

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom

So we lift our eyes to Jesus, there is freedom

2 Corinthians 3:7
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

Galations 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Ephesians 3:12
In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

BAPTIZED!!!

2008-11-16T22:27:00.000-08:00

I got baptized yesterday!!! And it just feels absolutly incredible!!!!

It was more that just baptism. It was God confirming what He's been drilling into my head and heart over and over again these past few months. Just that He's proud of me...

He brought several people today to continually remind me how proud they were of me. And it was EXACTLY what I needed. And it was just incredible to see how many people were there to support me. And just how many people truly cared about me. It was amazing to see how many people were in this together with me on my journey. And just stories of people that have been praying for me for years.. that I had no idea were.

This week I've never felt more alone in my entire life. And yesterday was just an incredible reminder how I am not in this alone, and how I have a HUGE support system. And even though I don't nesessarily realize how much support I have. It's there. It's there abundantly. And I praise God for that. It's always been something that I've struggled with. Not having support that I needed at home and stuff about Spiritual matters with my family being non-believers. But yesterday I realized how loved I really am, and how much people truly care about me.

God continues to amaze me, and He continues to show me how much He loves me, and how proud He is of me. God is good, and I know as I have taken this next step to following Him things are going to get better. I am just ready to pursue the next step now. I'm just ready for more of God!!!!

Confusion.

2008-11-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

Romans 11:33-36
Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice?And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? For EVERYTHING comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.

Today I was reading Romans 11 & 12. And spent a lot of time reflecting on what's been going on this year. I think of all the loss, all the gain, all the good times, all those heartaches, all those times where I wondered where God was, all those times when God was SO close, all those tears I cried, all those laughs. I remembered how there was great loss this year. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about Chelsea or Kyle and the others <3.>

What hit me hard in Romans was the last verse. "For EVERYTHING comes from Him and exisits by his power." It's hard to believe that; especially this year. All of the heartache, the loss, the tears, the pain, the troubles I've dealt with and those times of complete sadness. How can a God that loves me completely still allow that to happen? How could those who were the closest to be not be here anymore? How could God in all this power allow that to come?

And then the second part of that verse "...and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen." I don't see how in any way that everything going on this year would be intended for his glory. I love this verse. And I love the meaning behind it. But applying it to my life it doesn't seem as though anything that happend. The lost of two of my best friends, seven friends, and add to that everything else that's been going on. How is that intended for His glory? Doesn't make sense to me. Sorry I am a downer today. I've overly tired.

Downtown Eastside.

2008-11-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

Well we've arrived in East Van. It's been interesting. We're living in the attic of a church. Which we had to do an Extreme Make-Over: Attic Edition. It's taken a little while to get used to. Yesterday we met some of the Youth, and had gelato together. It was nice getting to know them; they're a wild bunch, that come from very broken homes. But I love them. My heart has already broken for them. They have really hit my heart. They we're wild and out of control and the day was complete chaos. But I loved them so much. And I just want the best for them; I want them to understand the compassion, grace and freedom that there is in Christ.

This is where we're sleeping. We still need to clean it out a bit more. And we have to move our stuff out every single morning so we don't die of Dust mites. It makes Team Germ's old living conditions look like a resort.

"After testifying and preaching the word of the Lord in Samaria, Peter and John returned to Jerusalem. And they stopped in many Samaritan villages along the way to preach the Good News." Acts 8:25

As a team yesterday we were reading through Acts 8. And those who think that God doesn't speak as clearly as did in biblical times. I'd like to say that's not true. Our team has continued to read through the books of Acts. And every single time it just seems to be written directly to us. It's crazy. That verse above. I just thought was absolutly perfect. It's our team in a nutshell. Peter and John wanted to go back to Jerusalem. Same as our team wants to get to Brasil. But on their journey they stopped in various places preaching and telling people about the Good News. I tottaly related that to our team. We started out in Abbotsford, and now in East Van. We have just stopped in a few places to spread Christ's love. It's all part of our team's journey to our final destination: Brasil.